The Post I Never Wanted to Write {AKA: One Year's Proof I Don't Lose Weight}

*Apologies in advance for the many fuzzy photos in the post, but they are what I have to share at this time. Thanks for understanding. 

Officially, it has been one year since I've lost any weight. There have been a couple of e-mails recently from readers who have been following my journey, wondering when I would update my weight loss page. The harsh reality is that it is updated, despite the fact that there hasn't been a log in many, many months. At the beginning of October 2012, I had lost 60 pounds and it remains at that point today. I know what many are likely thinking... What does any of this have to do with bikes? Frankly, nothing... and yet, everything. On a personal note it obviously affects me, but the reality is that there are others going through similar situations too. The fact remains that if I were carrying less weight, it would simply be easier to pedal a bike making me more efficient, and some would argue (though I could debate this) faster. Because I started this journey with a blog post, it only makes sense that I would update regarding how things have been going, even if that update isn't what I'd hoped it would be at this point.

This is roughly where I started...Sam and I had rode with a group to Boulder before this lifestyle shift. I remember how mad I was that someone was taking a photo while I was eating, which just perpetuated (in my mind) the myth that fat people never stop eating. In truth, I hardly ate on this afternoon, but the image of the plate full of food in front of me, fork headed to mouth, still haunts me.

As I was saying, one year ago I was making plans to lose another 10 pounds by the end of 2012. Little did I know at the time that my body had other plans (If you aren't aware of my personal struggle, you can read back through posts during summer of last year - starting with the first check in - and see that I had set goals to lose weight). Things were moving along so I had no reason to think my weight loss would stop. It hadn't been particularly speedy, and I was proceeding in a manner that I saw as maintainable for life (as I will continue to do), but over the course of not only those next couple of months, but the last year, it has been proven that my body seems to be some oddity of nature.

Some face shots of the pre-lifestyle change.

To all those who choose to bash, shame, joke about, make a mockery of, and so on, let me be an example of those who try so hard and yet still see little to no results. I can illustrate that in fact it is possible to spend a good chunk of time working out, eating properly, and still not see the results in the form of pounds lost on the scale. I stated above that I am an "oddity of nature," but let me say this, I know I am not alone in my current reality. I know others, of all shapes and sizes, who work out and yet don't see any losses on the scale.

Some face shots after losing 60 lbs.

A typical workout week for me includes between 12 (on a bad week) to 20+ (on a better week) hours of hard work (and this doesn't include any errand or other joy rides on the bike). The weeks' workouts consist of several hours of cycling and kickboxing, running, and some strength training to wrap things up. Occasionally, something else is thrown in. For example, last week I attended a couple of CrossFit sessions (my GOD, those people are insane, but awesome!), or I'll throw in some circuit workouts to keep things interesting. For anyone who's ever worked out with me, you know I put my all into it. I'm not one to just show up because I said I'd be there. If I'm there, you're getting everything I have. If I'm not sweating profusely, I'm disappointed and think that it just wasn't challenging enough. Seriously, I have issues. So many issues in fact that working out for me at one point started to become my job. I kept thinking that if I just added another hour (or 2, or 4) a day that I'd see the changes. Unfortunately, it just became obsessive and no weight loss actually occurred. I had to get myself in check and remind myself that I wanted to do only things that I could maintain for life.

On a long road ride pre-2012 (sadly, not at my largest)...I ride, regardless of size or weight because I love it and it makes me happy.

Recently, I read an article in which the author claimed that anyone who works out 20 hours a week couldn't be fat or overweight. Hmm... I beg to differ. I'm not linking to the article because he doesn't deserve the attention, nor are any of his claims based on scientific (or any kind of) fact, but I think this is at the core of the American (and perhaps other nations as well) belief system about the overweight. "If you're working THAT hard, there's no way you wouldn't lose," or "Maybe you just need to eat less" are extremely common phrases that sometimes well-meaning, but often-counter-productive people say. The reality is, it's not as simple as calories-in vs calories-out, as so many would like to believe. Again, I am living proof of this reality.

May 2012 vs August 2012

As far as eating goes, I have good and bad days like any other human being, but the reality is that I eat pretty well most of the time and I always know how many calories I've consumed. I eat a balanced and varied diet, full of greens, fruits, beans, grains and so on. I have tried playing with calories for long stretches of time (both eating less and eating more) and my weight remains the same. There's a well-respected calculator here that tells me I'm not eating enough. Basically, it wants me to eat between 4-6,000 calories a day (and that's to lose weight!), but how much should a person eat if s/he isn't actually hungry? Still, there are many who think restrictive eating isn't the way to go, and while I agree that restrictions only lead to over-indulgences in the long run, I have not given up anything that I didn't want to. In fact, I've never said that I "can't" have anything. I do choose more often than not to forego certain foods because they simply don't make me feel good. I have a strange love of spinach and kale now that I never thought possible, but it doesn't mean that I don't indulge on occasion.

I ride, regardless of size or weight - because I enjoy it

I've read so much that it's overwhelming. It's almost as though there is a conspiracy to keep people overweight (and why wouldn't there be... diet sales - books, products, pills - is a multi-billion dollar industry because people are looking for quick fixes). There are the hardcore enthusiasts of eliminating certain food groups entirely, and there are others who encourage people to eat whatever they want in extremely small portions, but at the core of all of these ideas seems to be that in order to lose weight, one must restrict calories down to almost nothing. I can speak from personal experience and state that eliminating all but a small amount of food each day will not create long term, successful weight loss. I've gone this route far too many times in life and it always ends with gaining weight (usually more than what was lost to begin with).

The great news is that I haven't gained weight over the last year, but because I still have a lot to lose, naturally most people in my life expect that all of the working out, bike riding, running, and so on will result in more pounds lost. I couldn't agree more. It only makes sense that consistency and hard work will have positive results. But, perhaps that is the exact problem... that I'm expecting the results I want to see and not what my body actually wants or perhaps needs at this moment in life. My body has transformed, certainly, and I have so much muscle that my darling Sam has joked that I'm becoming The Hulk or Juggernaut.  I like being strong, don't get my wrong, but it would be nice to see the muscle instead of the overlying fat on the surface.

First belt testing in kickboxing, early 2012 vs several tests later

I've been told in the past by medical professionals that I have a body that would survive famine, and while I'm grateful that when the apocalypse comes, I will be one of the hardy folks who can live through it with little sustenance, we aren't there right now and it would be nice to not have to carry around so much excess. I recently read a blog post in which the author states that slow and steady is the way to go. I think he's right on, but is it really steady if losses have stopped completely, and for so long?

May 2012 (a couple of months in to the new lifestyle) vs January 2013

Let's think about this for a moment and really ponder it. One year... Three hundred and sixty-five days of doing everything "right" and yet staying exactly the same. Burning (through exercise alone) 2-6,000 calories a day, 4-6 days a week (and truthfully, sometimes 7 days a week), and seeing nothing lost on the scale. How demotivating! And yet, I can't imagine giving up my workout time. Something has changed for me over the last year and a half, and even if it isn't my physical weight, I know I am a better person - mentally and physically.

A couple of months after I started this new life (in blue) and October 2013 (in orange). It may not seem as though much changed, but life has warped dramatically, regardless of what shows on the outside.

I don't like putting pictures of myself up on the blog... well, I don't like seeing them anywhere, truth be told. I don't like to be reminded of the body I deal with on a daily basis in picture form. But the reality is that my body has changed - a lot. The changes may not be as visible as I'd prefer, and maybe they never will be, but I am thankful for what I've been given - scratch that, earned [and look forward to being a leader when zombies take over, or when pests wipe out crops :O)]. I may not look like the American ideal of a fit person, but I am capable of more than many others. Speed may not be my forte, but endurance certainly is.

I hope to God that one day I wake up and this never-ending plateau reaches its end, but for now, all I can do is accept the body I'm working with, love it for what it is, and know that I am giving it the ability to perform to the best of its ability. I may not be what the public perceives as an image of health, but I know the truth. I work hard, I am strong, and I am healthy. In fact, I'm testing for my black belt in kickboxing this weekend, so if anyone wants to argue that fact, we'll have a little chat about just how strong I am - or better yet, you can meet me on the studio floor and we'll hash it out. Ultimately, health is what is most important for anyone... scale be damned.

Tried My Best; Failed Miserably

For those who do not know me in every day (real) life, I am an extremely strong-willed individual. I don't always voice my opinions (in fact, rarely so unless I know someone fairly well), but when I am determined to do something, you can bet money that it will get done - one way or another. I have just never done well with someone telling me I can't do something or even that I shouldn't do something. It almost becomes a challenge for me to prove that I can do it - whatever that "it" might be. I can think of many instances in my life when I was advised not to do something and went ahead with it anyway.

This I'm-just-going-to-do-the-opposite behavior started very young. I still recall being three years old in a plant nursery with my mother. Out of the corner of my eye, I spotted these amazingly colored, small cactus-like plants, and just as I was going to touch them, my mom said, "No, no. Don't touch those... it will hurt." She turned her back to look at something else, and I immediately slammed my hands down on the top of these rainbow colored plants. When I picked my hands up, they were full of spiny little prickles from the cactus. Of course, tears ensued and my mother proclaimed, "I told you not touch those." She didn't understand it, nor did I at the time, but I think it was simply the beginning of a life full of having to try things for myself, and never accepting that I couldn't or shouldn't do a particular thing.

Image found here

In two weeks, it will be one year since I started a journey to better myself physically. I had gained quite a bit of weight, even for me - the chubby kid who turned into an obese adult, and I've spoke about my reasons for wanting to be stronger and lose weight in the past (feel free to re-read if you have interest here). The bottom line is that I knew if I set my mind to it, I could accomplish my goals. I remember thinking at the start that in one year, I would likely be down about 100 pounds. It was an average of about 8 pounds a month, and I knew it was a slightly lofty goal, but I also believed it was entirely doable. What an incredible thing to be able to do for myself, too. Obviously, as the ticker on the sidebar indicates, I haven't reached that goal, nor will I in the next two weeks (for those using a reader who can't see the sidebar, I'm down 63.5 lbs as of today).

I'm not the best at math, but that roughly calculates out to a little over 5 lbs a month on average. Not too shabby, I will admit, except that it really hasn't been that sort of journey. I've been on a "plateau" for four and a half months. That's a really long time to go without seeing a change. The odd thing is, it's not that my weight doesn't change, it just changes within the same 5-6 lbs. Up and down, back and forth, I seem to fight with the same pounds over and over again.

Image found here

I suppose, for most folks this would be the point at which they state that they had lost focus or had slacked off in some area of their nutrients or workout regime, but I can honestly say that isn't the case for me. If anything, I've pushed myself to always do more, to push harder, or to make changes that are beneficial. I like working out hard, and I like eating well because I feel better and I know my body is getting what it needs to function properly. I love that feeling of not knowing whether or not I can actually finish a workout. It's awesome.

I've researched, read, and spoken with "experts" who have offered suggestions to help alleviate this plateau. In fact, one such individual told me that "no plateau should last longer than 3 weeks." Ha! I honestly believe I'm living proof that this is obviously not the case for everyone. I've tried eating more, eating less, higher protein, fewer simple carbs, more frequent smaller meals - giving each of these 2-3 weeks (or more) to see if they'd work - and, nothing. I've been to the doctor and had blood work done, convinced that something must be wrong with me. Nope. Healthy as a horse (sans the ton of excess weight). I've tried adding in extra cardio, too, but nothing results in changes. Even typing this out, I know more suggestions will likely be offered (most of which I've probably already tried), and while I love that people want so very much to help me (I have some truly awesome people in my life), I have finally come to an answer on my own - and it's not at all what I expected from the start of this journey.

My body is done.

Image found here

My body is not going to give up any more weight. I'm not even remotely close to where I should be, fat rolls still abound, and I have an enormous amount of work to do, but the bottom line is that for whatever reason my body has decided it's happy where it is and isn't going to release me from the fat prison. Genetics are a tough thing, and while I know I have the "fat genes" from both sides of my family, I was certain from the start that I could win the battle and I would be the exception. We don't have to live with the hand we're dealt, right? At least not when it comes to our ability to lose weight.  Yet, here I am. I think I finally understand that I am fighting a battle I truly cannot win, and it sucks (for lack of a better word at the moment).

That's a really tough thing for me to accept - particularly because I am such a hard-headed thing. I've been thinking about what it actually means for me moving forward, and I know it doesn't change what I'm doing because healthier habits have certainly come from the experience of the last year, and I am so grateful for that reality. Unfortunately, it does mean that some of the things I'd like to do, I won't be able to accomplish, and that really bums me out. For example, I won't be able to take my black belt test in kickboxing. I had the opportunity to witness a black belt test just a few months into my kickboxing experience, and I knew then that I would have to lose quite a bit in order for my body to withstand the rigors of such a test. I have too many ailments beyond the weight that would hinder me in this sort of physical endeavor, and having so much extra weight would make it nearly impossible for me to complete - or, it would leave me broken for a very long time (knowing that I am stubborn and would probably stupidly attempt it anyway).

It's extremely difficult to accept this reality, but I also know it is the only way I'm going to have any sort of mental sanity. Deep down, I know I will never give up the fight, but I don't know how else to carry on with life normally when all I have worked toward are changes that simply refuse to happen. I will continue to push myself, work hard, and do what I know is best for me, but I suppose my focus has to change and I have to accept that this is one battle I don't get to win... no matter how much I attempt to fight it.

Beauty and the Beast

My documentation seems to be getting more and more scattered these days. I have random thoughts and some how lose them before I have the opportunity to write anything out. I find that once I'm focused on one aspect of life, it's difficult to get myself focused on another again. It is beyond frustrating. As I was riding along one of our many trails this morning, I suddenly realized how alone I was. Normally, our multi-use paths and trails are filled with people walking, running, biking or skating, and it felt a bit strange to suddenly comprehend that I hadn't passed or been passed by anyone. Sure, it's February, and the colder temperatures probably aren't helping anyone stick to their outdoor routines (though it has been incredibly warm for this time of year), but normally I see at least a lone individual out walking his/her dog.

It really is a beautiful season, despite what I often tell myself. I get caught up in the idea that everything is dead right now, and I grow weary of seeing all the dry trees without leaves, and the remnants of de-icer on the roads. My mind wanders into thoughts about the chemicals laid down after each snow and how they are probably destroying my bike tires, and before I know it I've ruined a perfectly lovely ride.

This morning, however, I allowed myself to appreciate what was around me and decided to take a longer route in to my morning kickboxing class. I seem to be battling a lot of demons these days and no matter how hard I try to work through them, to get them out and dealt with, the big ones seem to pop their heads up on a rather routine basis. Riding is simply one of the few times I feel as though I can let everything go. It doesn't matter how fast or slow I am, it doesn't matter if I pass anyone who might think I'm crazy, because the reality is even if they do see me talking to myself or crying, I'll be gone and over the next ridge before they give it a second thought. My two wheels really are the best kind of therapy - and it doesn't cost me a cent (sans the occasional flat tire or minor malfunction).

Today, my thoughts took me into some of the darkest places of my mind. I want to believe that I am changing and growing, but when the tangible results aren't visible, it's a lot easier to beat myself up than it is to be kind. Being nice to myself isn't necessarily a strong suit anyway. I often don't feel I deserve to show any sort of mercy with self-related matters. After all, what have I done to deserve any kindness? In a few days, I will have reached what I never wanted to get to - my four-month-iversary with this damn weight loss plateau. I can appreciate those who try to encourage me by saying that at least I'm maintaining the losses  accomplished before this all started (believe me, I do appreciate this), but at the same time, I am not a tiny person and I do my best to work hard every day to see changes in this body. I don't mean that I go on leisurely strolls with my dog or count folding laundry or doing dishes as a work out. I mean the kind of sweating that has me coming home questioning whether I can possibly do it again the next day (or sometimes, later in the same day). It feels so incredibly wrong, defeating, maddening, and many other adjectives I could come up with to not have physical validation that my efforts aren't in vain. Sure, I'm not working out six hours a day like some of the contestants on reality television shows, but I'm also not expecting to drop 10 lbs a week. How about a pound a week? That doesn't seem unreasonable. At this point, how about a pound a month? Anything would be more acceptable than what has happened. I find I want to push myself even harder, attempting to force results that simply do not want to materialize. I literally fight with whatever this "thing" is inside of me - sometimes out loud - telling it things like, "You think you're starving? I'll show you starving!" or "You think you've been working hard? You haven't seen anything yet!" believing that I can somehow manipulate the "beast" into cooperating.

So, this morning I decided to appreciate the slowly melting river and the few ducks that were swimming by. I took the time to embrace the fact that I had solitude on my ride and that in just a few months, that same path will be full of individuals out for their morning run, or racing to get the dog out before they head to work. I relished the idea of being able to swerve back and forth on the path, knowing that someone wasn't going to come racing around a blind corner (don't worry, I was paying attention - just in case). In short, I enjoyed the cold and the ride. I let myself laugh, cry, argue with the demons and the beast inside, and have a much needed therapy session, and I'll do the same as many winter days as possible.

Hurry Up and Wait: The Weight Loss Plateau

This weight loss journey of mine has brought an interesting ebb and flow of emotions. I've learned that the scale can be my best friend and my worst enemy (sometimes, on back to back days). Even scarier? It doesn't take much to send me into a downward spiral. Keeping myself from "going there" mentally can be challenging, but I try to find ways to prevent it.

Early on in this process, I hit a plateau. When I had reached 24 lbs lost, I was so excited that losses were happening at a good rate. Then, I went into a long kind of holding pattern. It took 3 months to get to the 30 lbs lost marker, and for weight loss to resume. I went up and down, playing with the same few pounds. Making it through that long stretch wasn't fun. Knowing that I have a lot of weight to lose, I never dreamed such a long stretch of not losing was even possible so early on. Various individuals blamed it on muscle gain, but I found that difficult to believe - especially when it happened for months, not days or weeks. I remained diligent though and kept doing what I thought I needed to do, and eventually the weight loss started once again.

Currently, I'm going through another one of these times. Approximately 2 months ago, I was exactly where I am today. I've gone back and forth with the same 4 lbs, losing and gaining. I've done some research trying to determine exactly how long a plateau can last. I have yet to find an answer to this question, but it seems as though it can go on indefinitely without changes. What kinds of changes? It appears that while I continue to eat less than I need to maintain my weight, and workout hard several days a week, that may be exactly what is contributing to this non-loss mode I'm currently experiencing.

Image found here

As a whole, society wants to believe that if we just eat less and workout, we will of course lose weight. Turns out the body doesn't like that. Our bodies want to remain the same. Changing requires energy and since our bodies are designed to survive, even in the most drastic types of situations, when it sees that the fat reserves are dwindling it goes into what I now refer to as "famine mode."  I sometimes picture the conversation taking place in my body with little army men fighting to keep the fat safe. All I can think is, "Stand down, already." Unfortunately, my pleas seem to go unheard by those little protectors of the fat cells. Our bodies want to survive a famine; in fact, they're designed to do so. So, how do I get it to cooperate once again?

My last round with a plateau, I just kept doing what I needed to do. I did eat a bit more which helped for a short while, but ultimately even eating more didn't do the trick.  This time, I think I may engage in more experimentation to see what happens. Switching up calories each day (for example, eating 1800 cals one day, 1200 another day, and 2000 on another may help keep the body guessing, thus releasing me from this holding pattern), eliminating super tough workouts from my every day routine (while high intensity interval training is great, if I'm doing it all the time, my body still gets used to it and needs a change), and even switching the types of food I'm eating (I tend to be a creature of habit when it comes to food - adding in some new things could be the answer) are all things I think I may try with this round of plateauing.

Although I don't have all the answers, I'm hoping these little tricks will do something to jumpstart the weight loss once again. Goodness knows I cannot afford to be in such a seemingly eternal holding pattern with so much more to lose. Anyone else have experience with dealing with and surviving a plateau? Your thoughts and advice are certainly welcome.

How Fast is Too Fast?

I find myself having these days during which I really don't want to hear or read about other peoples success stories with weight loss. I've started to think that there's something wrong with me, but I find that often times these stories just make me angry. I don't begrudge anyone weight loss by any stretch of the imagination, but I find the ways in which they go about losing are often not in their best interest. Mind you, this comes from a fat person, so it's not as though I have any room to judge, but it just seems as though when someone drops 115 pounds in 6 months (just read this one in the last week), something incredibly drastic was done. As in, the individual has cut their diet so dramatically that it isn't maintainable for life, and I fear for them. Perhaps it's because I've been that person (well, I've never lost that much weight, but I've been in a similar mindset of "just eat less"), and it scares me when I read these stories. I look at people like those on The Biggest Loser, and see that so many of them regain the weight they've lost, and I can't help but believe it's because it happened entirely too fast.

Do our minds have time to adjust when we drop a person off of our bodies in a matter of months? I have to think it takes time for our minds to catch up to our bodies, and when we take these extreme measures to lose, I don't personally know if my mind would have the opportunity to understand what had happened.  I've been on this present mission for about 7 1/2 months, and I'm down just over 60 pounds (at least for today). It's not super fast, but it's also not that slow. Even at this speed I find that my mind struggles with changes. In my day to day life, I don't notice the loss at all. Sure, every once in awhile I think, "Hey, that fat roll seems smaller!" or I get excited about some garment of clothing that used to be tight but is now nearly falling off, but honestly it's difficult to understand that anything has changed. I see photos of myself and think that I look the same. I can see small changes in my face (as I've pointed out recently), but really I don't think my brain has even come close to comprehending what is taking place.

I don't have to see my fat face in this one, but it's almost worse from the back side...and this isn't even the worst of the pics this particular day.

Perhaps there aren't changes other than a little fat loss in the face? Maybe it's just that I'm around very average-to-thin sized people on a regular basis and I know that I will likely never even be of "average" size, sad as that is to say, so I will always feel like the fat person in the room? I wish I could wrap my head around it and finally understand once and for all why nothing seems to change.

In all of this though, I realize that so many people are so focused on losing weight that they neglect working on muscle as they lose. Sure, I may not see pounds drop quickly, but I'm also working on building muscle at the same time. Those arms? Yeah, they may still look fat, but I assure you, if you gave them a squeeze, there is solid muscle forming. The thighs? Sure, they still have lots of fat to lose, but they've gained a lot of muscle mass too while training. Abs? Yep, there's still a bunch of fat there, but I can feel the muscle wall through that fat. There is no way that I could've lost 100 pounds in half a year and gained muscle at the same time. So, while I have my moments of anger or jealousy when reading stories about the quick weight loss of others, overall I feel a little sadness for those who are in such a hurry to see the pounds go because I can't help but think that they're going to see those lbs return over the long haul. While I want to see the pounds go too, I'm okay knowing that I'm gaining muscle, and some day I will say goodbye to the excess weight as well.

Rules of Narcissism

I sincerely believe I am turning into a complete narcissist - or, at least it appears to superficially be the case for me these days. I'm still struggling to see changes in my own body, and while others tell me that I have changed, I don't know why it's so difficult to find them. I take pictures of myself constantly (okay, not constantly, but quite often) in hopes of seeing what others are seeing, and find myself trying to locate pictures from the end of last year/beginning of this year in hopes of making comparisons. The reality is that my measurements haven't really changed, other than losing a fairly sizable chunk out of my chest, so I don't understand what others are seeing. Sometimes, I wonder if they are just telling me I've changed to make me feel better. After all, losing over 50 lbs is a big chunk of weight, and one would think that changes would be evident. Perhaps folks just expect that there should be changes? A sort of preconceived idea of the outcome? I'm not entirely sure.

I put these two phone-photos side by side to take a look for myself.  My head appears to be a slightly different shape now, my glasses seem bigger (no idea why), and my lips seem smaller (is this the aging process... could 6 months do this to me?). I do notice that the triple chin is now down to a double, which is nice, but beyond a few minor shifts, things seem to be about the same.

Although perhaps calling myself a narcissist is a bit extreme, I do think there is a level of the illness present. There are moments when I completely absorb/recoil/etc into self and focus so completely on me that I fear I am neglecting things that I should be taking care of instead. I suppose it is the way with anyone who is trying to make changes, and it would be impossible to not have the desire to see the differences for ones self - or, perhaps I am just trying to convince myself that my self-absorbed behavior is acceptable.

Excuses

I was thinking today about excuses that people make (including myself). Excuses to not exercise, excuses to not watch what I'm eating, excuses to not pursue dreams. Excuses come in many forms - everything from jobs, to kids, to not having energy. Part of excuses for me personally is to hide from others. Typically, I'm not one to share a lot of personal information with people. I tend to give superficial information so that it seems as though I'm providing others a glimpse into my life, but without details no one has the opportunity to get too close or to potentially bring me harm. I've become quite good at it over the course of my life, and it never ceases to amaze me how people think they know me, when in fact they know very little about my life (or at least, nothing of significance). I do this quite intentionally. I have learned in adulthood that people aren't the way we were as kids. They don't just show up one day out of nowhere and become your friend. They don't love unconditionally. They don't really care about me or what's happening in my life. I don't mean that to sound like a giant pity party, but more so that it's just a reality of being an adult. We have other things that occupy our time - friends we've had since childhood, perhaps children and their activities, spouses, occupations, hobbies, and so on. Why would we want to bring new people into our circle?

*Image from Pinterest

But, back to excuses... Before I started this journey, I used to say that there was no hope of me losing weight - that I'm genetically predisposed to be fat, so why bother doing anything about it? Even given the fact that my entire family is overweight/obese, I don't think this is an excuse to not be healthy. Sure, I will never be a person who is tiny, but it doesn't mean that I can't be the healthiest person I can be. I find myself becoming very angry when I don't lose weight, and I think part of that is because I know how hard I work every day to see it come off, and it doesn't seem "fair" that while I can easily gain 10 pounds in a week, it will take about 4-10 weeks to get that same 10 pounds off of my body. Working out 2-3 hours a day, 5-6 days a week, it becomes aggravating to not have steady progress. Regardless though, it is progress. It might be slow - but it's progress nonetheless. I know my body pretty well, and I know that weight loss, if done correctly, is always slow for me. Slowness is also not an excuse to give up.

It would be easy to go on with the number of excuses available to use, but the reality is that as the saying goes, if you always do what you've always done, then you'll always get what you've always got. I am not willing to accept what the past has brought into my life, and the only way to fix that is to change what I have done while moving forward.

50 Pounds Lost {Happy Dance!}

For the last few weeks, I have been fighting with the same few pounds. Up and down, up and down. I desperately wanted to reach the 50 pounds lost mile marker on the first of this month, but it just didn't happen. A few days later though... here I am! While it wasn't the easiest thing to accomplish, it did happen, and I continue to remind myself that this is a life-long change, and if it comes off slower than I'd prefer, I'm really okay with that reality. However, this was a major mile-marker I wanted to reach, and while it seems arbitrary to pick a number out of the sky, when I first started, I believed that when I reached this point, I would really feel as though I was doing what I had set out to do.

*Image from Pinterest

And you know, I do feel like I'm doing what I should be doing. There are rough days when I question everything, but honestly, I don't know what I would change. I know that my daily weight will fluctuate, and it will likely go back up before it comes back down, but to be able to reach this 50 pound marker is amazing to me.

That said, I'm also a bit terrified of reaching this point. It's been almost exactly 6 months (just a few days shy, actually) since I began this journey, and it's also the time marker at which I start to give up on myself historically. When I start to have excitement about losses, I start slacking in areas, thinking that I have everything under control. Logically, I know I don't have it under control, and I have to continue to track everything, work out, and realize that this is a forever change, not a short term "fix." Six months, is generally the point when I start to gain again - and I don't want that to be the reality with this go at it. The benefit to me during this round is that I'm aware of what happens to me at about this point in the journey, and hopefully I can nip it early and just keep moving forward. The other benefit is that I'm not starving myself as I normally would, and I've truly tried to make this a lifestyle change.

I'm so happy to have reached this marker, and I look forward to moving on to the next one. The next goal? I'm not quite sure just yet. I don't know if I want to set a long term weight loss goal at this point because it takes me a bit of time and it can become discouraging, but perhaps I will just focus on the next 5-10 pounds and see where it takes me before focusing on another huge chunk of weight. For now, I'm enjoying this moment and acknowledging that I am capable of anything I set my mind to do.

Several Weeks of Maintaining and a Heart Rate Monitor Distraction

I'm currently having flash backs of my 10 week struggle to get beyond the 20-something pounds lost mark. I've been hovering in the 40-something pounds lost for several weeks now, and quite frankly, I'm getting annoyed. I really don't think I'm impatient about losing, and I work really, really hard every day to work this chubby rear off, but something in my body just doesn't want to cooperate at all. I've tested various theories - not eating enough, eating too much, not eating the "right" foods, etc - but nothing seems to help facilitate the process. Because of this frustration (or perhaps more as a distraction), I decided to try again with a heart rate monitor. I'd been pondering picking one up for a bit, and we happened to be at an REI garage sale where I was able to get one for under $30. This morning, I tested it out at the gym.

Goodness knows I haven't been to the gym in quite awhile because I've been amusing myself with kickboxing and cycling so frequently, but I figured it was a good place to test it out. By the time I'd finished my 45 minute sweat-fest on the ARC machine (it's basically a combination of an elliptical and stair climber), I was drenched head-to-toe, and according to the monitor, had burned 477 calories. Really? My online logger claims that I "should" have burned 871 calories, while the machine itself at the gym stated that it was 794 calories burned. Can it really be that off, and what is more accurate?

Here's what I've read online:

"Calorie burning isn't determined by heart rate, it's determined by the number of muscle cells that are activated to perform a given activity. It's the working cells that actually use the energy (calories) and consume oxygen. When working muscle cells need more energy and oxygen, your heart rate goes up to deliver these things to the cells via the blood stream"

So, what is this telling me exactly? I understand that the number of muscle cells used to perform an activity are important, and this is a machine that uses major muscles, but yet the calories burned seems off. How do I know what to believe though, and how can these numbers be SO different? I don't mind seeing that the number burned is lower, but I also want to know that it's accurate - otherwise, there's no real point to wearing the darn HRM. I've also looked into "power meters" as many claim that it's the only way to get a more accurate reading of calorie expenditure.

Although I'm not entirely sure where this is taking me, or if it will be of benefit over the long haul, it's been a fun little distraction to see what I'm capable of doing, and the rates at which I expend energy. Now, if I can just get out of this rut with weight loss, I'll be a happy little camper.

Why Can't Pants Fit Properly?

On my way home this afternoon, I had to stop and pick up a tool. Since I was already out and about, and the pants I had on were sagging quite badly, I decided that I would make a couple of stops to see if I could find one pair of pants (anywhere from low knee to high ankle length) to replace them for the rest of the warmer months this year.  I'm tired of constantly having to pull my pants up, and while I don't really want to invest in more clothes while I'm trying to lose weight, I also understand that it will be quite embarrassing the day that they actually fall down.

*Image here

So, off to a few stores I went - full of high hopes, and with the belief that I'd be able (obviously, since the ones I was wearing were nearly falling off) to find a new pair in a size smaller. Silly, silly woman! How wrong I was to think such things.

While I realize that people have different body shapes and types, I cannot for the life of me figure out why pants cannot be made to fit properly. I am aware that there are a couple of manufacturers out there now making jeans and other pants in 3 distinct shapes, but what about other pants... like capris, shorts, etc? These still have the same problem as far as I'm concerned, and while I am aware that we are hitting the end of summer, the reality is that we have several more weeks, if not months, of warmer weather - and honestly, I'd prefer not to be wearing heavy jeans if I can avoid them.

I tried pants on in the same size as the current pants as well as the next size down, and two sizes down, and none of them would fit. The pants I found were either so tight that I couldn't even begin to pull them all the way up, or they were enormously huge in the waist and tight everywhere else. Who in the world are these pants made for? Obviously, not the freak body I'm apparently carrying around. I never thought my body was so misshapen, but apparently it is. I know I have large legs, but I just cannot believe that I couldn't find a single pair that came close to fitting properly.

I'm chalking it up to a bad day to attempt shopping, but to try three different stores, and many different sizes and not find a single thing that fit... let's just say, it's not exactly doing any favors for my self-esteem. {sigh}

The Week in Brief Review

I had a really cool little moment this morning, but first, I will go back to discuss the last week or so of happenings.  I have been doing my double ups on kickboxing, and getting in training rides for the event next weekend, and it's been exhausting... good, but very tiring. I find that I like working hard, pushing myself, and just trying to see what I can ultimately accomplish. However, at some point my body becomes uncooperative, which I suppose is to be expected. I am slowly learning to allow my body to rest once in awhile, as I know that nothing good comes from constantly pushing without allowing recovery. I think the extra pushing comes in when I have too many things that I want to get done in a short period of time, but I also think that over a short term period, it won't kill me to work a little harder than normal.

Throughout this past week, I have realized that I am so much stronger than I was six months ago - heck, even 3-4 months ago - so much stronger. At the beginning of this year, I would have stated that I did plenty physically; even knowing that it wasn't true. I enjoy the moments when I believe that I cannot go any more, and then somehow manage to do it. It makes me wonder where the ultimate limits actually are for me. Are there limits at all? Perhaps only in my mind.  I was able to get in some longer rides this week, which was important to me because I am concerned about a 51 mile ride, knowing that my wrists have a difficult time in the saddle. I rode 41 miles yesterday (the longest ride I've done in quite some time, actually), and just allowed myself to take a few minute stop every 8-10 miles. It seemed to do the trick with helping to keep my hands from completely dying. I did it without gloves, but I am considering wearing or at least taking some to help out with the situation next Sunday.

*Image found here

As for weight loss... it is back to being uncooperative, but I believe it will ultimately have no choice but to come off. I am doing my best not to concern myself with the daily losses/gains, but rather focus on what I'm doing to make me stronger overall. That is really all that I have control over. I am learning more and more that it's not just how much of something or the number of calories in the food that is important, but what my body can actually use from those calories. I knew that it was important before, but I think with all that I'm trying to do physically right now, I am becoming more aware of the importance of the type of fuel being put in.

After saying that, I will share that I went to bed last night desperately wanting pancakes and bacon. Mind you, I am not much of a meat eater (and honestly, I don't even remember the last time I ate pancakes either), but after the ride yesterday and doing kickboxing, I just wanted something horribly fatty.  When we woke up, I was so hungry and still wanting this food that I knew wouldn't be of any real benefit to my body. So, I caved and we went out for breakfast. As we sat down, I was glancing outside and saw a woman I know who I haven't seen since the end of last year. I told Sam I needed to run out and say hello. As I got outside and waved at her, she kind of looked at me as though she was a tad confused, but after a brief moment, waved back. She said, "Oh my goodness! You look amazing - just wonderful!! What have you been doing?" I have to say, it felt great to know that someone could see the difference in me physically over the past several months, particularly when I don't always see it myself.

All in all, it's been a productive week, and I am finding some calmness about the upcoming ride. There's no reason to worry about it because it will be what it is, and fretting about it beforehand isn't bringing anything of value to my life.

Miscellaneous Thoughts: Winning/Losing Battles

Although I have yet to mention it here in this space, boot camp training came to an end at the beginning of this week. The month long adventure into intense outdoor workouts at local parks was fun, but I was definitely ready to return to the kickboxing studio. I discovered that I am, without a doubt, the least in-shape person in the class (or at least who showed up to the workouts), and confirmed my knowledge that I am definitely not a runner by any stretch of the imagination. I also learned that I am so fortunate to have an incredibly supportive group of people around me, who constantly motivate me to keep going, try harder, and to never give up on my goals. Even though I am definitely the slowest individual (physically, not mentally - I swear!) I can say that I attended every single boot camp during the month... and as a reward, I received an embroidered hand towel with my name and the studio name on it. I couldn't help but giggle a bit. The usefulness of the prize did not go unnoticed, particularly as I seem to be the one who is constantly dripping with sweat.  For a person who typically runs colder than average, it's amazing the buckets that pour out of me during class.

*Image found here

On the cycling front, I have been recovering from last weeks' attempts to get in longer rides before my big ride with Venus de Miles at the end of the month. Unfortunately, the wrist damage from those rides last week has been more intense than I would've liked and it's prevented me from getting in long rides since Saturday. The doubts about my ability to do the 51 miles at this point continue on. Part of me thinks that I just need to get in what I can and go for it anyway just to see if I can make it happen. The other part of me thinks it's quite stupid on my part to attempt something that I likely won't be able to finish, and that it would make more sense to opt for the shorter 33 mile ride that doesn't go into the mountains. I suppose I will have to make a judgement call when the time arrives, but until then, I still plan on doing my best to get some time and distance in the saddle.

Last night, Sam and I had a discussion about my mental state and what I'm focused on at this moment in time. As a whole, I find that I am better off when my energy goes into kickboxing goals, cycling, and the like. When I focus too much on losing weight, it becomes so easy to get distracted and/or depressed at the rate of loss. While the overall numbers don't seem so bad, I know that a large chunk of it came off in the first few weeks, making the average for each month much lower than it should be, in my opinion. However, when I think about the past and how I've attempted to lose weight by dropping calories so significantly that I could barely function as a human, I realize that I am so much better off allowing myself a larger amount of calories and just working my butt off. I'd rather have the energy to do all the activities I want to do, see it come off slower, and know that I can do this for life, rather than see it drop off over night, but never be able to participate in anything.

New Day Resolutions

I have never been a person who has participated willingly in New Year's resolutions. While the new year is a convenient time to start fresh (and thus, I believe, the reason so many of us want to make resolutions in January), I have found that I do far better setting attainable, realistic goals throughout the year. This statement takes it to a new level though. When I think about it though, it makes sense. Shouldn't I be setting out to achieve something every day? It helps keep every day fresh and interesting, rather than feeling as though there is a certain time of year or month that goals should be set. It doesn't have to be a big deal, but something that is a resolution for the day. Love it.

In other news, I have been shocked and amazed over the last six mornings to discover that I have lost something every morning. After several long weeks (months really) of fighting with the same few pounds, it's been a nice change to see the scale dropping (slowly, but dropping) every day. Perhaps my body has finally given in and decided to cooperate, or maybe it's just temporary, but regardless, I'm enjoying and taking what I can get. No complaints out of me, certainly.

My goal to test again this month in kickboxing is moving along swimmingly. I need four more classes (easily attainable before next Saturday) and I'll have made it to that goal. The one thing I'm really kicking myself about at the moment is that I went to so many classes (more than twice what I needed) before I tested for my last belt, which means that really I'm a belt behind. I have considered pleading with the instructor to allow me to test for both at the same time, but then I think that I did it to myself, and have no one to blame, so I should simply let it go and learn a lesson about being stubborn. Time will tell, but honestly, I'll be happy simply to have achieved this goal.

Losing Weight on Vacation

Our intended two week vacation turned into a much shorter round than anticipated, and we ended up being gone a total of 7 days. I was actually pleased to be returning earlier than we'd thought because I knew it would allow me to get back in to my routine of working out multiple times a day and eating better. Oh, the eating! Why does everyone seem to want to feed us on vacation? Every stop we make seems to include a meal, and rarely does it include options that offer anything remotely low in calories.

What I cannot seem to figure out is that every time I go on vacation, I lose weight. It's perplexing to say the least because on most vacations, I don't work out (or, it's extremely limited), and I'm eating high sodium, high calorie items for most meals, and very seldom getting the water intake that I need, yet somehow, weight comes off. This has happened for years, regardless of how well I was eating before leaving on a trip. I've tried to factor in that there is usually a bit of walking around to touristy sorts of locations, but surely it's not burning as many calories as intense cardio/weight workouts?

If we go on the premise that in order to lose 1 pound an individual must restrict/burn 3,500 calories, I would have had to have burned 7,000 extra calories in the 7 days away in order to drop the two pounds I lost. I have to admit that I was not great about logging calories while on vacation simply because I have no idea what is in many of the foods, how they are cooked, how much oil, etc is being used, but I can take a good guess that calories are definitely more than I would normally eat, and most certainly consist of foods that I consider to be once-in-a-great-while type of items. When I punch in my guesses for the foods and their preparation, this is how calories show:

Day 1: 2,199 calories
Day 2: 2,891 calories
Day 3: 2,044 calories
Day 4: 1,773 calories
Day 5: 1,742 calories
Day 6: 2,134 calories
Day 7: 2,204 calories
Total for week: 14,987
Average daily: 2,141

I should mention that we did specifically set out to work out a few times while we were gone. On Monday, Wednesday and Friday (days 2, 4, 6), we did a 30-40 minute circuit work out to attempt to counter act some of the food madness that was taking place. Although the calories consumed don't seem that outrageous considering I ate very few meals in a controlled environment, it's still more than I would consume normally when I am working out daily...about 400 calories more on average a day. This may not seem like much, but considering the drop in working out, it is significant. I also felt incredibly bloated upon return, so despite the fact that I lost weight, I was not feeling tops about myself.

Trying to determine why I lost at all, leaves me scratching my head. First of all, I did, oh, about 1/8 of the normal work outs I would get in during a typical week (not even including riding my bike). I did attempt to make some reasonable choices much of the time, but even when choosing a gardenburger over some meat alternative (which I would normally do anyway since I'm not a cow-eater), I still ate french fries, potato chips, or onion rings with it, only adding to the fat/calories.

I do have theories though as to how/why this happened.
1) This is all a fluke. The fact that it is only a 1 week time period makes it difficult to say certainly what happens during this short time away. Perhaps if I continued to eat like this, I would ultimately end up gaining.
2) My body really does need more calories in order to lose weight - even more than what I thought initially. I was working out far less than normal and eating more, yet somehow I dropped 2 lbs (for the record, this loss was not just restricted to me, as Sam also dropped 1.5 lbs).
3) I'm burning more calories than I think on vacation. The fact that while on vacation we tend to walk around and see things more than we would at home could be helping to keep the extra calories from adding up to extra pounds.
4) Like many other times when I seem to randomly drop pounds, there is some mysterious combination of activity and food taking place.
5) Lacking the normal stresses of everyday life, my body finally relaxes and just does what it needs to do. I wasn't focused on or stressed about what or when I was going to eat, it just happened organically.

My problem with this being a complete fluke is that it happens every time we go on vacation. I joke about it when we're getting ready to leave by stating that I'm excited to go because I know I will eat poorly and lose weight. While it is a joke, it does happen every...single... time. Insanity, I know. I also don't think I'm burning more calories while on vacation because while we do walk around to see things, it is leisurely and typically isn't all day long. This leaves three options, but while I do think it's all quite mysterious, I don't actually believe that there is something magical or mysterious happening - I just don't happen to understand what it is that's going on.

Now down to two options (I need more calories, and vacation gets rid of excess stress), I actually think it's a combination of these two remaining theories. One of the things that benefits me while on vacation is that I'm not a snacker, so every time others want to stop and get a nibble of something, I decline (not because I think I'm being holier than anyone else, but I genuinely am not a snacker and never have been). This is potentially eliminating several unnecessary calories. In addition, if I am offered dessert, I take it politely, but I eat just a few bites. I also try not to eat unless I'm genuinely hungry. Sometimes, this means skipping a meal (which I would normally recommend against), but because I know I'm consuming more than normal, it seems like a bad idea to eat when I'm not hungry. I also don't think about or obsess over what I'm eating. If I can make a smarter choice, I will (because I want this to be a life change, not a temporary change), but I also don't want to deprive myself of something I'd like to try because I don't know how many calories are in it. I have been there and done that in the past and it doesn't help. Ultimately, I will give in and it will be far worse than just having a single meal or a few bites of something "bad."

Although I still don't seem to completely understand what takes place during vacation that causes weight loss, I am going to accept it and get back to the normal routine because even though I was fortunate to not come home to a weight gain, I very much missed my regular workouts and feeling good.

BodyBugg: Early Thoughts/Review

Because I have been struggling with figuring out a more precise number of calories burned during the day, I started looking at heart rate monitors. There are so many to choose from that I found myself overwhelmed by the process and not wanting to delve any farther into the process. As I was seeking out an appropriate HRM, I happened upon the BodyBugg. Best known for its use on The Biggest Loser television show, I honestly hadn't paid any attention to it, despite the fact that it's been on the market for several years now. After reading several reviews and finding it marked down to a third of it's original cost, I figured it would be worth a try.

Image source here

Although I have had this little contraption for less than a week, I wanted to get out some initial thoughts on this product, and see how my opinion changes over time. Basically, the user buys a little monitor that sits on an elastic armband which monitors the individuals activities throughout the day. It is intended to give the user an idea of overall calories burned, rather than specifics for a given activity. It also permits the user to add in food intake so that at the end of the day, there is a tangible number of calories burned vs calories taken in to the body.

My initial impression of this monitor is that it may not be the most efficient or effective tool, depending on the users needs/wants/desires. I purchased the "SP" model of the BodyBugg so that I could use my phone to check on things throughout the day, rather than buying the digital display for the alternate "v3" model, or having to download the information all the time with the USB cord. I have found the app on my iPhone 4s to be a bit of a pain, and not entirely accurate for up to the minute information. The app itself is persnickety and if you touch the wrong thing while it's connecting to the bluetooth, well, you can pretty much forget getting any information out of it.

Image from Apex

As for the monitor itself, I remain up in the air about it. I guess when I was reading through all of the information I didn't quite take in the fact that there is no actual heart rate monitoring associated with the BodyBugg. It's set up so that it monitors body heat, sweat, and electric currents across the skin. I am not an expert, but it seems a bit strange to me that there wouldn't be some type of heart monitoring in this device to get the most accurate burn.

Sample screen shot for a given day

I have also found that I question how well it's tracking the burn. My morning kickboxing class runs from 9:30a-10:20a, and when I looked at the time line later in the evening on the computer software, it only showed a rise in calorie burn for 31 of those 50 minutes... and we are definitely working for the entire 50 minutes - quite intensely. The total calories burned during that time, including my bike ride to and from the workout, were about 690 calories. It also showed that during one morning from 6:45a-9:00a I burned 826 calories while I was doing absolutely nothing except sitting on my rear and eating some oatmeal. I find it a bit strange that I burnt more calories doing nothing for 2 hours than I did in a very, very intense exercise class for almost an hour, as well as riding my bike too and from the class.

The BodyBugg claims 90% accuracy, which is better than a heart rate monitor from what I can tell, but it's difficult for me to understand the numbers when I see them laid out in front of me because they just don't seem to make sense.

As for the food portion of the BodyBugg, I have found that there aren't many foods in the system, and that it will not allow me to do specific amounts. For example, I routinely have 3/4 cup of oatmeal (measured in its dry state) for breakfast. However, the BodyBugg will only allow me to enter 1/2 a cup or a 1 cup amount. So, I'm either under or overestimating what I'm consuming - either of which defeats the purpose of having this device. Instead, like so many others who've gone before with this product, I have found myself using another online program to enter my calories consumed, and using the BodyBugg merely as a test of how many calories I'm burning during the day.

The one thing that is still troubling to me is that I wanted to know if I was eating too much or too little. While the program does assign a number of calories for a person to consume based on your activity level, weight, height, goals, etc, I still don't know if it's possible that I'm under eating. The program itself doesn't seem to have an issue with a person eating fewer calories than assigned, but I know from the past that it can be dangerous or counter productive when not eating enough calories. I do seem to be getting enough to feel satisfied, so I guess that is what I'll have to go on for now.

For my purposes, I wanted to know a more precise number of calories burned on a daily basis, so I've used it as a gauge on a few different days to discover how off I've been with calorie burn. While I don't think it's provided me any earth shattering information, I will say that for the few days I've had, I do seem to have lost weight. I don't know if my body has just decided to cooperate finally, or if I've been unconsciously working harder, knowing that I'm being "tracked." Regardless, I think it has been useful thus far, if for no other reason than to get a better idea of calories burned... even if I don't choose to wear it all the time, or every day.

Self-Sabotage

Yesterday was a day of complete and utter self-sabotage. I very purposefully set out to see how much I could eat in a single day. No, I didn't eat all day long, but my meals (specifically the two in the late part of the day) were calorie-laden. I went to bed feeling sad, depressed, and completely ill from the food in my stomach. Why did I do this? Honestly, I just wanted to see what would happen, and prove to myself that I am the one in control. What I didn't like about it is that 1) I was completely sick, and 2) My mental state that allowed me to think this was okay. I consumed approximately 2500 calories, and while in the grand scheme of pig outs it doesn't sound that horrible, it was a ridiculous amount of food. I didn't even want what I ate, which is the saddest part of all.

The bottom line is that I was angry. Angry that I work very, very hard and see no results - and of course, doing myself in isn't going to help the cause.

I'm still trying to figure out what to do. From what I've been reading, I still may not be eating enough calories, but I am truly petrified to take on any more because I fear that it will have adverse affects. In my mind, it's so much easier to take food away than to add it in. The second part is that I think I need to invest in a heart rate monitor. It's the only way I'm truly going to know what I'm burning since online calculators and machines seem to be wildly different in the analysis of calories burned for an individuals' weight. I don't understand why this has to be so mysterious - it's just odd. While I have struggled in the past to lose, it has come off at a slow, but consistent rate if I was putting forth the effort. Now it seems that despite my best intentions, I just cannot make it go away.

I am determined to figure this out though, and I hold firm to the fact that working out should not be done solely for purposes of losing weight, but rather to maintain a healthy life.... it's just so hard when there is absolutely nothing tangible to cling to during these rough times.

Pausing to Enjoy Accomplishments

As of this morning, I have lost a total of 28 pounds. Not too shabby, considering that for a month and a half of the last 11 weeks I fought with the same 3 pounds. I have a long, long way to go, but for once in my life, I want to stop and appreciate what I have accomplished instead of longing for something more or something different.

I had hoped by this point in the journey to have lost around 35-40 pounds, so one might think that I would be disappointed. On some level I suppose that is true, but I am also incredibly proud of myself for sticking to something, even when the weight loss wasn't happening. I am encouraged that I have been able to stick to "2-a-day" kickboxing workouts twice a week, and still continue to participate in other activities throughout the week as well. I have adjusted when needed, instead of being hard-headed. Honestly, I think I am pretty awesome.

In a few days, I will have been at this for three months. It's a very short amount of time in the grand scheme of life, but I think the short journey thus far is teaching me lessons every single day. I am grateful for the strong body developing under all the layers, and am looking forward to the successes ahead.

OMG - Is it Actually Working?

HOLY SHIT! <--{Please pardon the language}

I think this is actually working.

It's only been a couple of days since I started increasing my caloric intake and I have lost 3 pounds! I have spent the last six weeks struggling with three pounds, so to lose three pounds in two days. You've got to be kidding me? All I had to do was eat more?

Okay, okay. I don't want to get overly excited about something that I just started doing, but you have to imagine my utter glee to lose that amount of weight so quickly while actually eating more food. It seems so counterintuitive, but at the same time, it makes sense. My engine (body) was out of gas. How can I expect it to do all that it's been doing if I don't provide fuel? The answer... it doesn't do all that it's been doing... at least not without consequences, and that is why the engine was clinging desperately to the fuel - because it was afraid to give up the energy for fear that it wouldn't get any more.

Duh.

I am truly not stupid, but I honestly thought I was getting plenty of nourishment. I was wrong. I can admit that fact - I am wrong often - but it seems like such a simple fix and it took me far too long to figure it out. Again, I will wait out the full 2 weeks to see if this is actually what the problem has been, but I am already excited about the results and remain hopeful that if I just feed my body properly, it will cooperate with dropping the excess pounds.

Yippee!

What the Bleep?!

For the last 6 weeks, I have struggled with the same three pounds. Some days, I want to give up - like today. While I am thoroughly enjoying kickboxing and watching my muscles develop through that class, I don't understand what I am doing wrong. I have been eating between 1450-1700 calories a day and going to kickboxing between 3-6 times a week, in addition to riding my bike and going to the gym. There is no reason the weight shouldn't be falling off my body, or at least losing some small amount each week. 

I spent a good portion of yesterday investigating various reasons people don't lose weight. Things like thyroid issues and not properly measuring food were the largest search results, but the one thing that stood out in the search was the possibility of not eating enough food. Could I be eating too little? In a world of people who judge and want to tell overweight individuals they are eating too much, is it possible that I was starving myself? I don't feel hungry. Okay, I get hungry, but then I eat and that takes the hunger away. For the average joe, eating the amount of food I'm eating seems like more than enough, but I thought it might be worth a try to see if it's possible my engine just isn't getting enough fuel. I am burning around 7-8,000 calories a week. Perhaps the scale just needs to be balanced a bit more.

Over the next 1-2 weeks, I am going to test the theory that I need more food. In the back of my mind, I fear that I will suddenly start gaining dramatically, but I figure that in order to see if this is the issue, I have to give my body enough time to respond. I have accepted the possibility that I may gain, but I have to attempt to determine why such a large person isn't dropping at a more steady rate. If I find that I do gain, then I'll try the other direction and drop some calories off... and if that doesn't work {sigh}, well, let's just see where this goes and then I will worry about the potential "what if's" down the road.

Finding Motivation Outside of Weight Loss

In a few days, I will have been on this new journey for two months. Initially, I lost a solid chunk of weight... and then, it slowed down dramatically. This isn't new for me as any time I have tried to lose weight, I lose it incredibly slowly (despite having plenty to lose). I have never quite understood it, but I've just come to accept that this is the way my body works. It should be a good lesson to never allow it back on my body because, despite what many want to believe, I can literally gain several pounds over night. Because it is so easy to focus on the number on the scale, I have attempted to find other things that provide motivation. It hasn't been easy.

Over the last 5 weeks, I've also started a kickboxing class as was discussed here earlier. I am sore constantly because I push myself to go beyond what I currently believe are my limits, but this action, I believe, is helping change this extremely large body into something new. I have muscles in places I never thought I had muscle. I'm getting stronger, and for once in my life I am actually enjoying it. 

Last night I had an opening to work and ran into a cohort who asked, "Have you lost weight?" I couldn't help but smile because while I haven't lost what I should have over the last month, it was nice that someone else noticed my hard work paying off - even if it isn't on the scale.

I have to remind myself that the number on the scale isn't everything. I started this because I wanted to feel better, be stronger, and know that I am living a healthier life for good - not for a temporary fix. While it's easy to say that I just want to be healthy for health's sake, it's difficult to put in so much work (both food and movement -wise) and not see the number drop the way it should. There are plenty of ways to find motivation - from being able to do something I couldn't do before, to simple comments from others, and I just need to remember that I am progressing, even if it isn't at lightening speeds.