Fatty, Fatty, Two by Four...

I looked in the mirror today and saw all the blubber still surrounding my body parts. I have to admit, it's a bit discouraging to lose a good chunk of weight and know that there is still so much more that needs to come off. Truly, 60+ pounds off of my body is nothing to sneeze at, but when I sit down and still have a belly or the side fat sticks between my ribs and arms, or I get a good glimpse of the side-knee fat, well, let's just say it reminds me that I can never give up.

Before all of this, however, over the weekend Sam informed me that I looked like a bag lady. I was wearing old clothes that I've had for awhile and just can't seem to let go of for the time being.  I laughed because it's funny, but at the same time, I know there is a part of me that fears giving up old clothes. After all, I've never had a point in life that I didn't gain the weight back. Why would this time be any different? There are reasons for it to have a different outcome this time, but it's tough to admit that when all I've known is defeat in the past. I don't want to have a negative outlook about all of this, but when people tell me to "visualize" what I will be in the future, I don't even know where to go with that thought. I often picture someone else who has a body I'd hope to have. Let's face it, when one has never been a normal body weight, how can one have an image of what it will be at some arbitrary point in the future?

This is the "bag lady" ensemble for the day (apologies for the fuzzy photo).

Yep, I actually fit in one leg of the pants... kinda crazy... mind you, they weren't tight before, but still.

So, after all of this, I decided that I needed to continue my quest to find some cold weather clothes. I haven't wanted to do a lot of shopping these days (partially because we don't really have the money to spend, but also because it's so awful to try a bunch of items on and have nothing fit right), but I went ahead with the plan. I was determined to find at least one pair of jeans that would fit and a couple of sweaters. I don't need a closet full of clothes right now, but I don't always want to feel frumpy either. Wonder of all wonders, I actually found jeans that worked. They're a bit snug, but I figure it's a better way to go right now than to buy them at a good fitting point and then they're too big in a couple of months (or at least, that is the hope). The jeans I purchased were 5 sizes smaller than the ones I'd been wearing. Holy cow.

One of the pairs of jeans I tried out... the legs seem to be snug no matter what size I try.

It was exciting to be able to buy something many sizes smaller, but it was also a reminder that I don't want to ever go back to where I've been...and, that I have a very long way to go. I took some time yesterday to clean out the closet (again). Since I don't want to go back to where I've been, there's no reason to hang on to old clothes. Sure, I kept a couple of items just to remind myself of what I have done to my body in the past, but I've vowed that I will continue to work towards becoming a better me. I can't promise the "bag lady" outfits won't be seen/worn over the next few months, but at least I know they don't fit like a glove as they once did, and if things are fitting tightly, it's just more incentive to try to get the weight off so they will feel loose again. But, even as I type that, the demons pop into my head reminding me that this may be it - that this may be all the weight I can lose - or that I will in fact return to my former state rather than losing more. These are the days when I wonder if those demons will ever let me be, or if I'm destined to spend a lifetime doubting myself and what I am capable of doing.

"Fatty, fatty, two by four,

Can't get through the kitchen door,

When the door begins to shake,

Fatty got a belly ache!"

Why Can't Pants Fit Properly?

On my way home this afternoon, I had to stop and pick up a tool. Since I was already out and about, and the pants I had on were sagging quite badly, I decided that I would make a couple of stops to see if I could find one pair of pants (anywhere from low knee to high ankle length) to replace them for the rest of the warmer months this year.  I'm tired of constantly having to pull my pants up, and while I don't really want to invest in more clothes while I'm trying to lose weight, I also understand that it will be quite embarrassing the day that they actually fall down.

*Image here

So, off to a few stores I went - full of high hopes, and with the belief that I'd be able (obviously, since the ones I was wearing were nearly falling off) to find a new pair in a size smaller. Silly, silly woman! How wrong I was to think such things.

While I realize that people have different body shapes and types, I cannot for the life of me figure out why pants cannot be made to fit properly. I am aware that there are a couple of manufacturers out there now making jeans and other pants in 3 distinct shapes, but what about other pants... like capris, shorts, etc? These still have the same problem as far as I'm concerned, and while I am aware that we are hitting the end of summer, the reality is that we have several more weeks, if not months, of warmer weather - and honestly, I'd prefer not to be wearing heavy jeans if I can avoid them.

I tried pants on in the same size as the current pants as well as the next size down, and two sizes down, and none of them would fit. The pants I found were either so tight that I couldn't even begin to pull them all the way up, or they were enormously huge in the waist and tight everywhere else. Who in the world are these pants made for? Obviously, not the freak body I'm apparently carrying around. I never thought my body was so misshapen, but apparently it is. I know I have large legs, but I just cannot believe that I couldn't find a single pair that came close to fitting properly.

I'm chalking it up to a bad day to attempt shopping, but to try three different stores, and many different sizes and not find a single thing that fit... let's just say, it's not exactly doing any favors for my self-esteem. {sigh}

Knee Fat, Clothing, and Summer

The other day I wore shorts for the first time in quite awhile. I don't look awesome in them, and I didn't feel as though I suddenly looked better and therefore could get away with wearing shorts, but it was hot and I didn't want to be covered up head to toe, so I went for it.

Most of my weight is carried in my hips and legs. I was "blessed" with tree trunks and even as I lose weight, the legs stay on the hefty side. I don't mind having larger legs, but what I don't love is the knee fat associated with my larger legs. What is knee fat? Well, "knee fat" is that excess girth that surrounds the knee area. In my case, it runs from my calf area to just above my knee, along the interior of my legs. Not only is this unsightly, but it's actually a pain to deal with on a daily basis. It makes many activities, including just walking down the street unpleasant, and at times, actually painful. Oddly, my legs seem to be comprised of pure muscle and pure fat, and not much in between - meaning that the separation between the two areas is quite obvious.

I have trouble finding pants that even fit correctly through the legs. Manufacturers don't seem to cater to those with extra meat exclusively between the calf and knee area, so I have to look for wide leg pants (which, conveniently are out of style right at the moment) to wear jeans/pants that don't look freakish. It would seem that wearing shorts or skirts would be the best option, but then my knee fat rubs together when I walk (for most humans this happens in the thigh area - for me, I get to have my knees rubbing), and while I have grown used to this, there are times when pants just make more sense.

Although I'm not looking for pity because of this oddity, at times I see others who are overweight and notice that they have perfectly lovely legs, yet for some reason, they seem to be ashamed to show them off. Why? If you have something beautiful, don't hide it. There's no reason to put those legs behind clothing. Personally, I have given up hiding and just wear what I want, especially when the temperatures near triple digits. You won't find me strutting down the streets in a swim suit, but at the same time, I'm not going to wait to wear shorts, skirts or dresses until I'm some possible ideal future size. In short, I think simply wearing clothes that make me feel good and/or comfortable is the best route, rather than having fear about what someone else might think.

This summer, I'm wearing what I want - public opinion be damned... or at least, that is the plan.