First Ride Back in the Saddle

Over the weekend, I experienced my first ride on a bicycle in over six weeks. I didn't think it was possible to go that long without riding a bike, but when one is consumed 15+ hours a day and doesn't really leave the home premises, it's actually quite easy to watch the days and very soon thereafter the weeks fly by without touching a bike.

On Saturday, we decided that we needed a break from home renovation and made an early morning dash for kickboxing (which has also been neglected for about the same amount of time). I was running behind so Sam had pulled the bikes out to the front of the house, and when I saw the Hillborne sitting there so beautifully with just a slight amount of dust gracing the untouched surfaces, I couldn't help but smile. I was genuinely so excited to be able to actually get on a bicycle again!

I expected to get on the Hillborne and find that same level of comfort that I always do when riding that bike, but I was surprised to feel that something felt very wrong. I knew I had strains from the physical labor we've been completing over the weeks, but I found that something just didn't seem to feel right. I should've realized that it was just due to lack of ride time because as we pedaled, I began to feel my way back into the bike and all was suddenly well again.

Pedaling was extremely slow, but I swear I rode the entire distance to class with a stupid, ridiculously big grin on my face. It felt good to lock the bike up again outside of kickboxing and even though the temperatures were quite cold that morning, I was just happy to be out and on two wheels again.

Class was, of course, completely difficult to get through and after a brutal reintroduction, Sam and I decided that we needed to have breakfast before returning home. So, we pedaled a little more and popped into one of our favorite breakfast stops for a quick bite, at which point we made the realization that we were missing some items for our weekend renovation project. Since a home improvement store wasn't too much additional distance and we had the capability to carry what we needed on our bikes, we pedaled on over to complete that task as well.

By the time we returned home, we'd probably pedaled no more than about 8 mi/13 km, but I was surprisingly beat. I know there were a variety of factors involved beyond the bike ride itself (I hadn't slept much the night before, the weather was quite cold, and we'd just had an hour long, tough workout), but I was surprised to feel it so much... and yet, I still couldn't let go of my excitement about being on a bike once again.

I hope that I never have to go this long without riding a bicycle again, but it's nice to know that even with some time apart, I still have the same love and appreciation for transporting myself on two wheels. What is the longest amount of time you've had to be away from your bike or been unable to ride? Did you have a period of readjustment when returning, or were you able to pick up where you left off?

The Post I Never Wanted to Write {AKA: One Year's Proof I Don't Lose Weight}

*Apologies in advance for the many fuzzy photos in the post, but they are what I have to share at this time. Thanks for understanding. 

Officially, it has been one year since I've lost any weight. There have been a couple of e-mails recently from readers who have been following my journey, wondering when I would update my weight loss page. The harsh reality is that it is updated, despite the fact that there hasn't been a log in many, many months. At the beginning of October 2012, I had lost 60 pounds and it remains at that point today. I know what many are likely thinking... What does any of this have to do with bikes? Frankly, nothing... and yet, everything. On a personal note it obviously affects me, but the reality is that there are others going through similar situations too. The fact remains that if I were carrying less weight, it would simply be easier to pedal a bike making me more efficient, and some would argue (though I could debate this) faster. Because I started this journey with a blog post, it only makes sense that I would update regarding how things have been going, even if that update isn't what I'd hoped it would be at this point.

This is roughly where I started...Sam and I had rode with a group to Boulder before this lifestyle shift. I remember how mad I was that someone was taking a photo while I was eating, which just perpetuated (in my mind) the myth that fat people never stop eating. In truth, I hardly ate on this afternoon, but the image of the plate full of food in front of me, fork headed to mouth, still haunts me.

As I was saying, one year ago I was making plans to lose another 10 pounds by the end of 2012. Little did I know at the time that my body had other plans (If you aren't aware of my personal struggle, you can read back through posts during summer of last year - starting with the first check in - and see that I had set goals to lose weight). Things were moving along so I had no reason to think my weight loss would stop. It hadn't been particularly speedy, and I was proceeding in a manner that I saw as maintainable for life (as I will continue to do), but over the course of not only those next couple of months, but the last year, it has been proven that my body seems to be some oddity of nature.

Some face shots of the pre-lifestyle change.

To all those who choose to bash, shame, joke about, make a mockery of, and so on, let me be an example of those who try so hard and yet still see little to no results. I can illustrate that in fact it is possible to spend a good chunk of time working out, eating properly, and still not see the results in the form of pounds lost on the scale. I stated above that I am an "oddity of nature," but let me say this, I know I am not alone in my current reality. I know others, of all shapes and sizes, who work out and yet don't see any losses on the scale.

Some face shots after losing 60 lbs.

A typical workout week for me includes between 12 (on a bad week) to 20+ (on a better week) hours of hard work (and this doesn't include any errand or other joy rides on the bike). The weeks' workouts consist of several hours of cycling and kickboxing, running, and some strength training to wrap things up. Occasionally, something else is thrown in. For example, last week I attended a couple of CrossFit sessions (my GOD, those people are insane, but awesome!), or I'll throw in some circuit workouts to keep things interesting. For anyone who's ever worked out with me, you know I put my all into it. I'm not one to just show up because I said I'd be there. If I'm there, you're getting everything I have. If I'm not sweating profusely, I'm disappointed and think that it just wasn't challenging enough. Seriously, I have issues. So many issues in fact that working out for me at one point started to become my job. I kept thinking that if I just added another hour (or 2, or 4) a day that I'd see the changes. Unfortunately, it just became obsessive and no weight loss actually occurred. I had to get myself in check and remind myself that I wanted to do only things that I could maintain for life.

On a long road ride pre-2012 (sadly, not at my largest)...I ride, regardless of size or weight because I love it and it makes me happy.

Recently, I read an article in which the author claimed that anyone who works out 20 hours a week couldn't be fat or overweight. Hmm... I beg to differ. I'm not linking to the article because he doesn't deserve the attention, nor are any of his claims based on scientific (or any kind of) fact, but I think this is at the core of the American (and perhaps other nations as well) belief system about the overweight. "If you're working THAT hard, there's no way you wouldn't lose," or "Maybe you just need to eat less" are extremely common phrases that sometimes well-meaning, but often-counter-productive people say. The reality is, it's not as simple as calories-in vs calories-out, as so many would like to believe. Again, I am living proof of this reality.

May 2012 vs August 2012

As far as eating goes, I have good and bad days like any other human being, but the reality is that I eat pretty well most of the time and I always know how many calories I've consumed. I eat a balanced and varied diet, full of greens, fruits, beans, grains and so on. I have tried playing with calories for long stretches of time (both eating less and eating more) and my weight remains the same. There's a well-respected calculator here that tells me I'm not eating enough. Basically, it wants me to eat between 4-6,000 calories a day (and that's to lose weight!), but how much should a person eat if s/he isn't actually hungry? Still, there are many who think restrictive eating isn't the way to go, and while I agree that restrictions only lead to over-indulgences in the long run, I have not given up anything that I didn't want to. In fact, I've never said that I "can't" have anything. I do choose more often than not to forego certain foods because they simply don't make me feel good. I have a strange love of spinach and kale now that I never thought possible, but it doesn't mean that I don't indulge on occasion.

I ride, regardless of size or weight - because I enjoy it

I've read so much that it's overwhelming. It's almost as though there is a conspiracy to keep people overweight (and why wouldn't there be... diet sales - books, products, pills - is a multi-billion dollar industry because people are looking for quick fixes). There are the hardcore enthusiasts of eliminating certain food groups entirely, and there are others who encourage people to eat whatever they want in extremely small portions, but at the core of all of these ideas seems to be that in order to lose weight, one must restrict calories down to almost nothing. I can speak from personal experience and state that eliminating all but a small amount of food each day will not create long term, successful weight loss. I've gone this route far too many times in life and it always ends with gaining weight (usually more than what was lost to begin with).

The great news is that I haven't gained weight over the last year, but because I still have a lot to lose, naturally most people in my life expect that all of the working out, bike riding, running, and so on will result in more pounds lost. I couldn't agree more. It only makes sense that consistency and hard work will have positive results. But, perhaps that is the exact problem... that I'm expecting the results I want to see and not what my body actually wants or perhaps needs at this moment in life. My body has transformed, certainly, and I have so much muscle that my darling Sam has joked that I'm becoming The Hulk or Juggernaut.  I like being strong, don't get my wrong, but it would be nice to see the muscle instead of the overlying fat on the surface.

First belt testing in kickboxing, early 2012 vs several tests later

I've been told in the past by medical professionals that I have a body that would survive famine, and while I'm grateful that when the apocalypse comes, I will be one of the hardy folks who can live through it with little sustenance, we aren't there right now and it would be nice to not have to carry around so much excess. I recently read a blog post in which the author states that slow and steady is the way to go. I think he's right on, but is it really steady if losses have stopped completely, and for so long?

May 2012 (a couple of months in to the new lifestyle) vs January 2013

Let's think about this for a moment and really ponder it. One year... Three hundred and sixty-five days of doing everything "right" and yet staying exactly the same. Burning (through exercise alone) 2-6,000 calories a day, 4-6 days a week (and truthfully, sometimes 7 days a week), and seeing nothing lost on the scale. How demotivating! And yet, I can't imagine giving up my workout time. Something has changed for me over the last year and a half, and even if it isn't my physical weight, I know I am a better person - mentally and physically.

A couple of months after I started this new life (in blue) and October 2013 (in orange). It may not seem as though much changed, but life has warped dramatically, regardless of what shows on the outside.

I don't like putting pictures of myself up on the blog... well, I don't like seeing them anywhere, truth be told. I don't like to be reminded of the body I deal with on a daily basis in picture form. But the reality is that my body has changed - a lot. The changes may not be as visible as I'd prefer, and maybe they never will be, but I am thankful for what I've been given - scratch that, earned [and look forward to being a leader when zombies take over, or when pests wipe out crops :O)]. I may not look like the American ideal of a fit person, but I am capable of more than many others. Speed may not be my forte, but endurance certainly is.

I hope to God that one day I wake up and this never-ending plateau reaches its end, but for now, all I can do is accept the body I'm working with, love it for what it is, and know that I am giving it the ability to perform to the best of its ability. I may not be what the public perceives as an image of health, but I know the truth. I work hard, I am strong, and I am healthy. In fact, I'm testing for my black belt in kickboxing this weekend, so if anyone wants to argue that fact, we'll have a little chat about just how strong I am - or better yet, you can meet me on the studio floor and we'll hash it out. Ultimately, health is what is most important for anyone... scale be damned.

Snow Day: Cycling While It's Snowing

This morning, I woke up knowing we were supposed to get snow. Typically, when the snow is hyped as much as it has been, it turns out to be nothing - as in, it doesn't snow at all. Beyond that, it's the middle of April, and for most people, spring is in the air and we expect that the days are warming, rather than cooling off.  I took a glance out the window and saw that there was actually accumulation, but wondered if I should just bike in to workout this morning anyway.

It's snowing... but it didn't seem that horrible - though it did get worse

Mind you, I never ride when it's snowing. I will ride when there is snow on the ground, but I have avoided venturing out into an actual snow "storm" that is currently taking place. However, I wimped out and decided that I would drive in for the morning workout because I just didn't "feel" like riding. Look at the poor Beetle out there... she needs to be driven and warmed up, right?

When I got out to start the vehicle, she turned over, but wouldn't idle for more than a few seconds. After several attempts, I gave up and figured the universe wanted me to ride. I was a bit scared (if you read here regularly, you know how I dread the ice more than anything), but figured if I wanted to workout, that was just how it was going to be for today. I was bundled up anyway, and it didn't feel too bad, so I decided to go and grab the Hillborne out of weekend hibernation and take him to class.

I started off just fine - pedaling slowly so that I could feel any changes or slick surfaces. I decided to take surface streets rather than the trail system because the roads would more than likely be plowed (whereas the trail would not), not to mention the heat from the cars would help melt some of the snow off the roadways. I have to say, there are some really cruel drivers out on the roads! I turned on my lights (since my coat is white and blends easily with the snow) to help others see me, but it was as though some went out of their way to splash mud-snow on me as they drove by. Okay, so maybe they think I'm an idiot for riding my bike in the snow, but hey - I still have a right to be there, and it really won't kill anyone to slow down for a couple of seconds as they fly around me. My glasses (never have I been so thankful that I wear them) acted as a kind of windshield as snow splattered across my face. Pretty soon, I really couldn't see through them at all and had to peek out between the top of my glasses and the bottom of my beanie cap.

Snowy ride, but still smiling, so it can't be all bad.

Arrival to class was just about exact, but by the time we were through, I could see more snow was building up outside. Eeek! I wasn't entirely sure how to feel about it, so I decided I would attempt the trail system to get me most of the way home. This was perhaps not one of my brighter ideas. The snow was definitely heavier on the trails than on the roads and the first bridge I reached sent me sliding off out of control. I wasn't pedaling fast, but for some reason the ole noggin' just wasn't thinking about the fact that bridges are slippery when snowy. Speaking of noggin's...word to the wise, if you don't normally wear a helmet, when riding in a snow storm, this may be the time to actually wear one. I did not, and while there were no head injuries, I'm not sure I would attempt this again without one - if for no other reason than it is extremely difficult to see what is under the top of the snow.

As you can see here, the roads look better than the trail in front of me...
though this portion of the trail wasn't bad at all

Although this isn't something I do on a regular basis, there were some basic things that really stood out to me in regards to what not to, and what to do in the future (such as wearing a helmet, as mentioned above). For example, it's a bit trickier to ride a bike with a derailleur than it would be with an internal hub. As the photo below illustrates, it's easy for ice and snow to accumulate, and then shifting becomes an issue. I did my best to just stay in one gear, but that's not easy when there are hills to climb to get to where I need to go. Of course, I'm not sure it's worthwhile for me personally to invest in another bike that has an internally geared hub, but if this were to become more routine, I could certainly see the advantage. Additionally, I'm not sure fenders are particularly beneficial in a situation like this. Snow seems to get all over anyway, and it tends to get caught between the tire and the fender, which forces me to stop every so often and attempt to get the snow out from this area.

Snowy everything

Slowing down also seems to be an essential activity during this type of ride. I normally average (on this particular ride) about 14 miles per hour. Today, I averaged about 9.5 miles per hour. I found myself slowing down at the top of down hill areas as well. It seemed unwise to go flying down hill when I couldn't really see what was on the ground in front of me.

All in all, it was nice to be out in the elements, and although my hands were numb by the time I arrived to class, and I was drenched in melting snow, it was a good experience that I would definitely try again.  Even the new Soma cream tires held up well and had decent traction (review coming on these shortly). Of course, a thorough cleaning of the entire bike will be in order very soon, but I would highly recommend venturing out on a snow-day ride of your own... assuming, like those of us in northern Colorado, you're still experiencing the fun of winter weather.

Goodbye Kickboxing

*This is my "therapy" post for the day, so please feel free to skip it.*


I quit kickboxing today.

I'm actually shaking right this very moment because it feels a lot like a break up with someone you've had a long relationship with that's come to an end. It's one of those relationships that started off so fabulous and has slowly become something else over time. It's not the people, it's not the instructors, it's not the exercise... it's me.

Ugh, me? Really? Yes, really. It's hard to admit that. I know I'm a lunatic and I expect a lot of myself and others around me, but I guess I didn't realize how much I expected until all of this came to a head.

One year ago tomorrow, I set foot in the local kickboxing studio for the first time. I had done kickboxing before, but it had been a good 16-17 years, and I was a little freaked out about trying it again (especially because I'd put on a lot of weight since I'd last done it, and I was big even then). I gave it a try, thought I was going to die at the end of the first class, and thought, "You know what? This is a great thing for me to push myself."

And, it was. There were great people around me every day, encouraging me to be better. It felt good. Who doesn't want to be cheered on?

Then, G.E. got in the way. I truly don't know what is wrong with me, but I want to be pushed past what I think I can do. I want others around me who want that as well. There were some of those around me, and a few who just show up, but that's true of almost any place. Somehow, it all started getting under my skin. I just kept wanting to be pushed to do more and be better. It didn't help that about six months ago I stopped losing weight and the only thing I could think was "just keep pushing." But the harder I pushed, the harder my body resisted.

I've had several days in the last few weeks during which I've worked out for 4 hours a day. That's a lot of working out - especially when it isn't my job - and yet, I've somehow maintained. I've made my peace with not being able to lose, but I need something to keep me moving forward. Anything.

Today I was supposed to test for my high brown belt, but that didn't happen. Whether I was capable of it or not, who knows, and honestly, I never cared about the belts themselves. But, there was a part of me that needed this marker along the road to just prove that I had done something over the last year. That it wasn't a waste. That I truly made a difference in my life.

Instead, today I find myself crying uncontrollably, shaking, angry at myself... and realizing that I have to move on. This part of my life is over. The relationship wasn't working anymore. It will be hard for awhile, but I'll recover and something else will take its place.

It's a big part of life to say goodbye to suddenly. It's one of my extremely few connections to the city I live in. Kind of sad - in many ways. I'm also terrified that I'll immediately start gaining weight. It's not that I'm not doing other things, and I know those activities will continue on, but it's so strange how the mind works... how it controls so much of our being. In fact, it really is our earthly existence. I couldn't exactly survive without my crazy noggin'. I'll miss the people. I'll miss the kickboxing itself. I won't miss what it's done to my mental state of being over the last several weeks.

So, I'm living with the pit in my stomach for now. I'm surviving, knowing that there are other things to do and other ways to workout.

Life will go on.

Tried My Best; Failed Miserably

For those who do not know me in every day (real) life, I am an extremely strong-willed individual. I don't always voice my opinions (in fact, rarely so unless I know someone fairly well), but when I am determined to do something, you can bet money that it will get done - one way or another. I have just never done well with someone telling me I can't do something or even that I shouldn't do something. It almost becomes a challenge for me to prove that I can do it - whatever that "it" might be. I can think of many instances in my life when I was advised not to do something and went ahead with it anyway.

This I'm-just-going-to-do-the-opposite behavior started very young. I still recall being three years old in a plant nursery with my mother. Out of the corner of my eye, I spotted these amazingly colored, small cactus-like plants, and just as I was going to touch them, my mom said, "No, no. Don't touch those... it will hurt." She turned her back to look at something else, and I immediately slammed my hands down on the top of these rainbow colored plants. When I picked my hands up, they were full of spiny little prickles from the cactus. Of course, tears ensued and my mother proclaimed, "I told you not touch those." She didn't understand it, nor did I at the time, but I think it was simply the beginning of a life full of having to try things for myself, and never accepting that I couldn't or shouldn't do a particular thing.

Image found here

In two weeks, it will be one year since I started a journey to better myself physically. I had gained quite a bit of weight, even for me - the chubby kid who turned into an obese adult, and I've spoke about my reasons for wanting to be stronger and lose weight in the past (feel free to re-read if you have interest here). The bottom line is that I knew if I set my mind to it, I could accomplish my goals. I remember thinking at the start that in one year, I would likely be down about 100 pounds. It was an average of about 8 pounds a month, and I knew it was a slightly lofty goal, but I also believed it was entirely doable. What an incredible thing to be able to do for myself, too. Obviously, as the ticker on the sidebar indicates, I haven't reached that goal, nor will I in the next two weeks (for those using a reader who can't see the sidebar, I'm down 63.5 lbs as of today).

I'm not the best at math, but that roughly calculates out to a little over 5 lbs a month on average. Not too shabby, I will admit, except that it really hasn't been that sort of journey. I've been on a "plateau" for four and a half months. That's a really long time to go without seeing a change. The odd thing is, it's not that my weight doesn't change, it just changes within the same 5-6 lbs. Up and down, back and forth, I seem to fight with the same pounds over and over again.

Image found here

I suppose, for most folks this would be the point at which they state that they had lost focus or had slacked off in some area of their nutrients or workout regime, but I can honestly say that isn't the case for me. If anything, I've pushed myself to always do more, to push harder, or to make changes that are beneficial. I like working out hard, and I like eating well because I feel better and I know my body is getting what it needs to function properly. I love that feeling of not knowing whether or not I can actually finish a workout. It's awesome.

I've researched, read, and spoken with "experts" who have offered suggestions to help alleviate this plateau. In fact, one such individual told me that "no plateau should last longer than 3 weeks." Ha! I honestly believe I'm living proof that this is obviously not the case for everyone. I've tried eating more, eating less, higher protein, fewer simple carbs, more frequent smaller meals - giving each of these 2-3 weeks (or more) to see if they'd work - and, nothing. I've been to the doctor and had blood work done, convinced that something must be wrong with me. Nope. Healthy as a horse (sans the ton of excess weight). I've tried adding in extra cardio, too, but nothing results in changes. Even typing this out, I know more suggestions will likely be offered (most of which I've probably already tried), and while I love that people want so very much to help me (I have some truly awesome people in my life), I have finally come to an answer on my own - and it's not at all what I expected from the start of this journey.

My body is done.

Image found here

My body is not going to give up any more weight. I'm not even remotely close to where I should be, fat rolls still abound, and I have an enormous amount of work to do, but the bottom line is that for whatever reason my body has decided it's happy where it is and isn't going to release me from the fat prison. Genetics are a tough thing, and while I know I have the "fat genes" from both sides of my family, I was certain from the start that I could win the battle and I would be the exception. We don't have to live with the hand we're dealt, right? At least not when it comes to our ability to lose weight.  Yet, here I am. I think I finally understand that I am fighting a battle I truly cannot win, and it sucks (for lack of a better word at the moment).

That's a really tough thing for me to accept - particularly because I am such a hard-headed thing. I've been thinking about what it actually means for me moving forward, and I know it doesn't change what I'm doing because healthier habits have certainly come from the experience of the last year, and I am so grateful for that reality. Unfortunately, it does mean that some of the things I'd like to do, I won't be able to accomplish, and that really bums me out. For example, I won't be able to take my black belt test in kickboxing. I had the opportunity to witness a black belt test just a few months into my kickboxing experience, and I knew then that I would have to lose quite a bit in order for my body to withstand the rigors of such a test. I have too many ailments beyond the weight that would hinder me in this sort of physical endeavor, and having so much extra weight would make it nearly impossible for me to complete - or, it would leave me broken for a very long time (knowing that I am stubborn and would probably stupidly attempt it anyway).

It's extremely difficult to accept this reality, but I also know it is the only way I'm going to have any sort of mental sanity. Deep down, I know I will never give up the fight, but I don't know how else to carry on with life normally when all I have worked toward are changes that simply refuse to happen. I will continue to push myself, work hard, and do what I know is best for me, but I suppose my focus has to change and I have to accept that this is one battle I don't get to win... no matter how much I attempt to fight it.

Life Goes On

One would think that my recent getaway would've brought me home refreshed and renewed - ready to take on the world, and actually blog more regularly once again. But, no, that isn't at all what has happened. I have no idea what is going on with me, nor why every task I attempt to undertake seems to take everything out of me. I tested for my low brown belt this past weekend {that's right people - don't mess with me! :O)}, and I thought I was going to die. Typically, the tasks involved in the test wouldn't have been such a huge deal, but having just over a week away from classes and not working out at all while I was gone was apparently too much for my body. The past week has sucked all of the life out of me. I went to classes every day in an attempt to regain anything I had lost, but instead it left me empty and drained. I haven't painted, I haven't cleaned, I haven't done anything of value really.

*Image found here

On Thursday of last week, I attempted to paint the "demon inside" as a way of putting a face to this thing that seems to want to fight so desperately to keep me from what and where I want to be in life. Even when I attempt to make something evil looking, it doesn't work. Sam came home and told me it looked like a tree spirit. I couldn't help but laugh. I suppose, even at my worst, I just don't have it in me to go to the "dark side."  If nothing else, it gave me an idea for some smaller paintings to work on, so while I still may not necessarily have put an exact face to the thing I am fighting, I am determined to win the war.

On Friday, Sam decided to take the day off so that we could have some time together. Since the past, oh, ten-ish weekends have been full of automotive repairs/work, we haven't really had any time together that hasn't involved grinding away at metal or working on the mechanics of the Beetle project. This project has brought even more love for our bicycles because we can appreciate how incredibly simple and relatively easy they are to work on by comparison. I think having just a few hours to ourselves was a welcomed break from what has now become the routine of any spare time.

In short, life is carrying on. I have been able to get out on some short rides and enjoy what has been an unexpectedly warm January. It's great to not have to put the road bikes away during the winter months, but I know we are also in need of the precipitation - which, is on its way if the forecasters are correct. I hope others have been able to enjoy some great biking time as well!

Finding Motivation without Goals

In my last post I wrote about plateauing and how annoying I have found it during this journey, along with some ways that have been suggested to avoid the dreaded plateau. While I don't necessarily believe that these methods always work (since I've tried them, and they haven't always done the trick), I think they're excellent suggestions to keep an individual out of a rut. Today, the topic falls into a similar category in that I am currently struggling to find my motivation. Experts suggest that in order to maintain ones motivation with working out and/or losing weight, there should be specific, measurable goals in mind so that when those tough times hit, it's easier to forge ahead, and so that there is a means of determining progress.

Other than weight loss, I don't have any real goals.

The problem isn't that I don't want to work hard, nor that I don't have the desire to push myself, or to do better in my chosen activities.  The true difficulty is that I don't know what kind of goals to set for myself other than weight loss. I really don't like to run. After Sam and I completed our marathon several years ago, I swore I wouldn't run more than a mile or two ever again. So, any sort of running goals seem out of the question. Beyond not liking it, I have a bum knee and running probably isn't doing that situation any favors (especially with all the added extra weight). I considered attempting skating, but after a recent purchase at a second-hand store, I have yet to do any more than put the skates on my feet and stare at them (of course, I have a definite fear involved with skating, so that's playing its own role)... and again, that knee of mine kind of keeps me from seriously considering this as a regular activity.  Of course there's always cycling, but I've never been one who enjoys the "race" side of cycling. I like using my bike for transportation and the occasional organized ride, and even to get in some extra exercise, but I just don't see myself ever wanting to be someone who competes in races. It loses its fun for me as soon as I add in the time element of a race.  I do live at the base of some pretty incredible mountains, so hiking is always a possibility, but with winter marching closer, I'm not sure this is the best time of year to begin such an endeavor.

*Image found here

So, what's a girl to do? Initially when I started kickboxing, I used the next belt as my motivation. It's not that I cared (nor currently care) about the next belt level itself, but it seemed reasonable to focus on what the next level test would be and how quickly I could get to that point. Focusing on weight loss was bringing too many mental struggles and although it might sound dumb, having my attention centered on how hard I could push myself seemed to be working - at least for several months. Something has happened over the last couple of months though and the next level is actually bringing about more fear than motivation. Honestly, I don't want to test again. After the last one (that I barely made it through), I fear that my lack of weight loss and inability to physically catch up to where I should be at this "level" are hindering my potential. I can't help but get lost in the idea that my body can only get so strong to make up for all the extra weight - and then what? To add to the "list of ailments" I also have an injured and weak back, which plays a role in many of the activities that are a part of kickboxing (and the testing).

While it may sound as though I'm finding excuses or complaining about injuries, the truth is I am terrified of what is to come... and even more so that I may no longer have any sort of goal or motivation to keep me moving forward. If I cannot physically do what is asked of me, how can I expect to see growth - and even more importantly, where do I focus my attention for self-challenges and goals?

For some time now, I've considered giving up kickboxing completely, or at least not participating in it for an extended period of time (of at least several months). Multiple times I've looked into other activities such as CrossFit to see if perhaps I just need a change of scenery. The reality is, however, that changing the location of my workout isn't going to do anything for my physical (or mental) state of being. I'm still going to be slow, fat, and unable to do half (or more) of the activities presented. I'm still going to struggle, and I'm still going to doubt that I am capable of doing what needs to be done. No one else can motivate or set goals for me- it has to come from within... and perhaps that's the biggest struggle of all.

I have three more belts to get in this first round/level of kickboxing, and I'll be damned if I'm going to give up on myself. I spent a lifetime hearing that if I didn't want to do something, I should simply stop doing it, and/or having various people tell me that if a particular activity was too hard, maybe I just need to take a break. That is not the motto I have lived by, nor will it be in the future. I may be exactly the same size I have been, slower than molasses, and unable to handle the gravitational forces on my body, but I will somehow find it within me to move forward. I'm not slowing down because I'm tired, or bored, or weak, or too heavy to do what I want to do - this body is just going to have to figure out how to come along for the ride because my will is stronger than any part of me, and I flat out refuse to give up.

"I don't believe you have to be better than everybody else. 

I believe you have to be better than you ever thought you could be." - Ken Venturi

Discouraged and Drained

Today, I am completely drained. I feel beat up: mentally and physically. Next Saturday is belt testing in kickboxing and it will be my sixth month in a row to test. Now, it may not seem like a big deal, but for most people, one belt takes anywhere from two (if they go frequently) to six months (if they're more of a "couple of times a week" sort of participant) to complete. That should help to better define how many classes I'm going to every week, and why it is that I'm so tired. Generally, this schedule doesn't kill me (it's tough, but I make it through), but it seems the last couple of weeks have been extra difficult in that the instructors seem to want to put everyone in the class into a state of complete exhaustion. They have each asked me to do things that I am not physically able to do, and it's causing me to re-evaluate why it is I'm in such a hurry to get to the next level.

Put simply, my body hasn't had enough time to catch up to the level I should be for a given belt and it's frustrating me. As much as I want to will my body to do the things I want it to do, it just doesn't seem to want to cooperate, and I can't say I blame it. I'm asking a lot of it. Two kickboxing classes a day, riding my bike, the occasional gym visit - it all adds up; yet, my weight loss isn't on par with the amount of work I put in. The reality is that I have a lot of extra weight and asking my body to do these things repeatedly, day after day, week after week, and month after month is taking its toll. The last couple of weeks have reminded me that I am still the fat girl, and as much as I don't want to be that person, I can't seem to escape that reality.

I've started to wonder if this is just what I will be for the rest of my life. Perhaps I will never have anything even remotely close to a normal body weight? Those fears cause even more anxiety because I find myself wondering why one would push herself so hard if this is all there is for me to achieve. I suppose I'm just tired of being the fat girl. I don't want to be the biggest person in my classes. I don't want to be the biggest person in any given room. Living in the supposed "fittest" state in the U.S. doesn't really help matters because I'm surrounded my health nuts. There are plenty of overweight folks, so don't let the statistics fool anyone, but there is the reality looming that I am fatter than almost anyone here.

What is my point? In summary:
1. I'm fat. As much as I've lost weight, there is so much more to go.
2. I'm slow. I don't lose weight quickly, and I seem to be slow catching up athletically/fitness-wise as well.
3. I'm discouraged. Being unable to keep up during kickboxing classes makes me fear even more the belt tests... not to mention, that I've been playing with the same couple of pounds for three weeks.

Although I realize these feeling will pass, and I will hopefully feel more capable as the days roll by, it's such a horrible place to find oneself - trapped in my own thoughts and feelings.

Final Check In: The Last Five Months

First, I want to thank you all for indulging me as I have checked in with you via the web over the last five months regarding my progress with getting stronger and losing some weight. It's probably not what you come here to read about, but it's been quite beneficial for me to have some accountability. I've done my best to keep it to a minimum, posting follow ups only on the first of each month (with one exception), however, this is the last of my check in's for my five month project.  I have to say, it's both a little strange for it to be over, and a little sad. Five months can go by incredibly fast! Five months ago, I was preparing for the "big art show," and was stressed beyond belief. Five months ago, I was living in a pit of despair, realizing just how large I have become. And, five months ago, I pledged that I would lose 25 pounds over the course of these five months. So, how did it all go?

I very intentionally started the five month project on the first of April. I didn't want to spend another birthday feeling the way I had been, and since my birthday is today, I wanted it to be one that I would remember for accomplishments, rather than failures. In truth, I had started this project about three weeks prior to my announcement here, and I felt I had a good jumpstart with losing some weight to carry it on for a more extended period of time. Ultimately, I was feeling confident that I could make some life changes, and just needed a place to see it in black and white. I started out with mini-goals for each month and set out to achieve them, most of which I accomplished (though perhaps not exactly in the time frames originally specified).

 This is about as close of a comparison from the start to current date I can find.
Left was about a month and a half after starting all of this (hard to believe I'd already lost about 20 pounds in the 'before' photo - oh yes, it was worse than that), and just a few days ago at the Venus de Miles ride.

And another - because one just isn't humiliating enough

Since the announcement here on April 1, I have lost 30 lbs, but in total since March 9, I have lost 48 lbs. Although I've been working extremely hard to get to the 50 pound mile marker, the last few weeks my body has not cooperated at all. Despite the fact that I couldn't quite get there in the time frame I wanted to, I know it will happen, and I'm trying to be patient with myself and realize that not everything happens when and where I decide.  I know that I've built muscle, and someday, I'll actually be able to see it when it's not covered by the fat that still needs to go.  I cannot express how much better I feel. Not necessarily because of the weight loss itself, but because I am doing better things for my body. Although I wasn't doing anything so dreadfully bad to myself prior to starting this experiment/project, I wasn't doing anything really great for my body either. As I've stated before, I have never been a person to lose weight quickly, but I knew that I needed to do something or it would simply continue to go up. I was absolutely, without a doubt, unwilling to accept that as an option.

There have definitely been a lot of ups and downs with each day (sometimes, each hour). I went to try on some pants about a week ago because those I have currently are large in the waist. Unfortunately, everything I tried on was absolutely absurd. It varied from super tight in the legs and huge in the waist, to flat out not fitting even well enough to get over my thighs. I couldn't help but think, "I must be the only person who can lose this amount of weight, and still not be able to find things that fit...or better yet, still be wearing the same clothes." It's frustrating, to say the least.  I know I have to not allow these types of things to get to me, but it can be challenging. Beyond the clothing, there are just mental happenings that tend to mess with me on a more routine basis, but I'm slowly trying to work through it.

I am nowhere near my ultimate goal, but I do think I have learned a bit over the last several months - some things the easy way, and others, well, not as easily. I'm a bit hard-headed at times, so some things take time to sink in. A few of the things that have stuck with me that seem to have helped:
- It doesn't have to be an "all or nothing" kind of mentality, and I don't have to cut out every food. Moderation in everything is key, and making this a change in life rather than viewing it as a diet (which it's not) has been so beneficial.
- Finding an activity that I love to do was extremely important. I love to ride, and was doing so throughout, but I just seemed to need more. For me, kickboxing was that "thing." I honestly don't know what I would do without it now (but never fear - bicycles and cycling abound in the E.V.L. household).
- Having a support system is absolutely essential. It doesn't matter who or where it comes from, but having someone to vent to/cry with/join me on the journey has been a godsend... and I'm very lucky to have many "someone's" to talk to.
- Perhaps the biggest lesson has been to not focus on the weight loss itself. It's definitely tough when all I want to see is my body shrinking, but being able to find other little things to distract me has been extremely beneficial.

I am not even close to the end of my journey, but this has been a great start. I feel stronger than I have in a very long time (maybe even in my life), and I feel confident that I can keep moving forward, even if it's not at breakneck speeds. Although this will be my last update here, I may throw something up once in awhile just to check in, but I promise to keep it to a minimum.  If anyone is interested in starting up a new challenge, feel free to send an email, and if there's interest, I'm happy to put something together.

Again, thank you to all for tolerating my updates over the last several months. If you've been silently participating in a self-project, I'd love to hear how you've been doing as well, so feel free to leave a comment or drop me a note.

New Goals

Today, I am one definitely exhausted human. I finished the 51 mile ride for Venus de Miles on Sunday, and all went well. If you'd like to read more about it, please see my post here. It was actually a good ride, and I was very glad that I went ahead and did it... and now, on to the next challenge. The next challenge already has me tired and worn out, and I'm only two days into it.

Last night in kickboxing, the instructor made some kind of reference to the idea that at least he wouldn't have me testing again in September for a new belt. After having tested three months consecutively, he presumed, I'm sure, that it would take me at least two months for the next one. Wrong. After he made his comment, I told him that it was on and just for that, I was going to prove that I could do it again this month. The problem, however, is that there are a few things standing in my way.
1) I only have four weeks to complete 32 classes. Classes are offered twice a day, 4 days a week, and once a day two days a week (being closed on Sunday's). However, I cannot attend one of those days due to scheduling conflicts.
2) I don't do mornings... at least not early mornings, and two days a week, there is an early morning class at 6:15a. As I said, I don't do mornings. This could be a problem.
3) The studio is going to be closed for three classes this upcoming weekend, putting me even further behind.
So, basically, I have to attend every class I'm able to in order to make it in time for testing. After my first early morning class today, I'm not sure I have the wherewithal to make it to the end of these four weeks. Ugh. What have I gotten myself into?

If I can get used to the slightly earlier rising time, I think I'll be okay, but as of this moment in time, I am so tired I'm not sure I can function for the remainder of the day. I had better get it together if this is my grand plan, certainly. Here's to doing things that push our limits! Hopefully, I make it through.

Two Weeks Until Venus de Miles

Exactly two weeks from today, I will be well on my way in the Venus de Miles ride. Today, however, I am taking my first day of complete rest since July 8 (that's 34 days, if anyone's keeping track), and I have to say, it feels great to do nothing. I think I almost forgot what it is like to know that nothing needs to be accomplished today (well, at least as far as working out is concerned). I am taking this day to plan out the next two weeks of training and exercise though, because I don't want to wear myself out right before the ride, nor do I want to be lacking in energy. Still, I got a late start in training, so I need to find time to get in some long rides, and I still plan on doing kickboxing belt testing this month as well. Unfortunately, that testing falls the day right before the ride, so I'll need to figure out how that factors in to training for the next couple of weeks.

Find the fatty in the photo... Riding the Venus de Miles in 2010

For some reason, I have a lot of anxiety before this ride. There are so many things that run through my head. My biggest concern is always my hands. I know they are always the first thing to give out simply because of injuries to them, and I know that I will have to stop frequently if I intend to make it the 51 miles. I've never rode 51 miles in a single ride, and it's scary to think that I may not make it to the end. My second concern is in regard to climbing in the mountains. I don't climb (certainly not well anyway), although I have pretty much put my mind at ease about this by reassuring myself that I can either walk if necessary, or simply pedal very slowly. It's not the end of the world though if I have to get off and walk.

Find the fatty #2... Riding Venus de Miles 2011

Another worry is one that is complete vanity. Every year I end up being in some kind(s) of photo(s) (either one that Sam takes, or that one of the course photographers snaps, or a combo thereof), and I hate it (I'm not even sure why I'm putting them up here, other than I hope to be able to look back at them one day and know that I'm no longer that person). I know I'm fat - well aware of this fact - but I think seeing photos of me on my bike (something that I love) and realizing just how horrible I look riding, makes me miserable. Every year when I see the photos I swear to myself that I'm never getting back on a bicycle (of course, this lasts about a day, and then wears off as I love my bikes far too much). Admittedly, I spend a good chunk of an hour (at least) crying about how bad I look after seeing the pictures... No one should look like they are going to crush the bike they're riding.

Oh yes, they get worse... this one is about 15 miles into the ride (I was already tired)
*Image from Sullivan Studios

I always know that I'm the biggest rider out there, and I guess in some ways, I've just come to accept that it is what it is. However, I've also come to the realization that it doesn't matter what I look like. I'm not doing the ride for a photo, and I shouldn't be depressed about seeing these images of myself riding. I know that I'm doing everything in my power to improve my physical well-being, and while it may not show in photographs just yet, I should be proud of all that I'm doing to improve me. So, to my future self, in two weeks time, when you're finding the photos that have been taken of you, remember that you work hard - every damn day - and you are worth continuing to fight for, regardless of how you feel about seeing yourself in pictures. Ride strong sister! I can't wait to see that you actually finished the ride.

Miscellaneous Thoughts: Winning/Losing Battles

Although I have yet to mention it here in this space, boot camp training came to an end at the beginning of this week. The month long adventure into intense outdoor workouts at local parks was fun, but I was definitely ready to return to the kickboxing studio. I discovered that I am, without a doubt, the least in-shape person in the class (or at least who showed up to the workouts), and confirmed my knowledge that I am definitely not a runner by any stretch of the imagination. I also learned that I am so fortunate to have an incredibly supportive group of people around me, who constantly motivate me to keep going, try harder, and to never give up on my goals. Even though I am definitely the slowest individual (physically, not mentally - I swear!) I can say that I attended every single boot camp during the month... and as a reward, I received an embroidered hand towel with my name and the studio name on it. I couldn't help but giggle a bit. The usefulness of the prize did not go unnoticed, particularly as I seem to be the one who is constantly dripping with sweat.  For a person who typically runs colder than average, it's amazing the buckets that pour out of me during class.

*Image found here

On the cycling front, I have been recovering from last weeks' attempts to get in longer rides before my big ride with Venus de Miles at the end of the month. Unfortunately, the wrist damage from those rides last week has been more intense than I would've liked and it's prevented me from getting in long rides since Saturday. The doubts about my ability to do the 51 miles at this point continue on. Part of me thinks that I just need to get in what I can and go for it anyway just to see if I can make it happen. The other part of me thinks it's quite stupid on my part to attempt something that I likely won't be able to finish, and that it would make more sense to opt for the shorter 33 mile ride that doesn't go into the mountains. I suppose I will have to make a judgement call when the time arrives, but until then, I still plan on doing my best to get some time and distance in the saddle.

Last night, Sam and I had a discussion about my mental state and what I'm focused on at this moment in time. As a whole, I find that I am better off when my energy goes into kickboxing goals, cycling, and the like. When I focus too much on losing weight, it becomes so easy to get distracted and/or depressed at the rate of loss. While the overall numbers don't seem so bad, I know that a large chunk of it came off in the first few weeks, making the average for each month much lower than it should be, in my opinion. However, when I think about the past and how I've attempted to lose weight by dropping calories so significantly that I could barely function as a human, I realize that I am so much better off allowing myself a larger amount of calories and just working my butt off. I'd rather have the energy to do all the activities I want to do, see it come off slower, and know that I can do this for life, rather than see it drop off over night, but never be able to participate in anything.

August 1 Check In: One Month to Go

Happy August! Summer is certainly rolling right along, isn't it? Today is check in time for me while participating in the self-started, 5-month challenge to bettering myself. I've said this every month, but it has gone by so quickly. I can't believe there is only one month left! While the bettering myself will not end in one month, the challenge that seemed incredibly long at the start has gone much quicker than I anticipated. So, here is how the last month has gone...

*Image from Pinterest

I will say that it was the first month of this challenge that I have been made aware of some changes taking place physically. It was, of course, exciting to see something changing (though I have been noticing muscle for some time now). I am nowhere near what I would hope to be ultimately, but after a couple of months of fighting with the same few pounds, I've actually experienced weight loss in this last month. As much as I don't want this to solely be about weight, I have to admit that it's nice to see it go down. I also stepped up to the next level belt in kickboxing, and hope to continue pushing forward in that area of life.

My goal for July was to complete a 50 mile bike ride, and unfortunately, this did not take place. I did go on several rides from 15-20 miles, but never had the time to get to longer distances. I would still like to complete the 50 miler before the end of summer, but time was not on my side for this ride to happen in July. Because I'll be participating in the Venus de Miles ride, it looks like I'll be able to complete this in August. I don't want to let that goal go though because I think it's important for me to complete. I don't take it lightly that I didn't reach this goal, but at the beginning of this, I would have had no way of knowing where my head would be at this point, nor the focus I would have on different areas, so I'm trying to cut myself a bit of slack.

During the upcoming month, the final month of this challenge, my goal is to have lost a total of 25 lbs from the start date of April 1. I seem to be moving toward that, and I hold out hope that I will make it...or maybe I should say that I have a strong belief that it can be done. As of this writing, I have 1 pound to lose this month, which doesn't seem impossible (though I have had months during which I have lost bupkis - so I'm knocking on wood as I type this).  Hopefully, I will also complete the 50 mile ride that didn't happen in July, and I hope to have some kind of long term goal for moving forward at the end of this challenge.

How about you? Any challenges you've faced in the last few months that you'd like to share? Please feel free to chime in.

Test Time {Yes, Again}

Tomorrow, I test again for my next level belt in kickboxing. If it seems incredibly fast it is because, well, it was fast.  I have been on a mission to get enough classes in time to test in July. It probably seems more than a little odd that the person who just a month ago was stating that I wasn't going to test and was almost arguing with the instructor about taking the test, is now fighting to get to the next level... but that's the sort of wacky person I am, I suppose. Over the last 19 days (of which, the studio was closed for 4 of those), I have attended 22 classes (so, really in 15 days). I share this not to brag or because I think I'm super awesome (okay, maybe I think I'm a little bit awesome), but because I kind of need to see it in black and white for myself because I'm having a difficult time understanding how I've managed to get this done, let alone function as a human on a daily basis.

I have enjoyed the mission of getting to the next level in a short period of time, and honestly, I intend to keep at it to see how many classes I can complete in four weeks time. I am definitely motivated by short-term, easy-to-see, but not-so-easy-to-do kinds of challenges, so perhaps this is a good way to keep me moving forward... or, perhaps I will kill myself trying to keep up a pace that is probably a bit much over the long term. Either way, we shall see what happens, but in the mean time, I'm just trying to take it all day by day and enjoy the small rewards.

Changes are Coming {and Hey, They've Already Happened!}

In advance, I am thanking you for allowing me this indulgence. I don't typically put a ton of pictures of myself up on the blog, and there is good reason for that. First, it's not easy to get photographs of myself, as I typically ride my bike alone. Additionally, I prefer not to have pictures of me taken as I don't want to be reminded of my chubby cheeks or any other rolls that appear on my body.

As some may be aware, I started a five month journey to bettering myself in April (it started slightly earlier than that, but my "official" start on the blog was April 1). Right now, I'm almost through month four, and I have struggled {sometimes more than I'd like to admit}with not having tangible results. Working out several hours a day and eating a controlled calorie diet isn't the difficult part, as that is simply a lifestyle shift, rather than a "diet." But, as anyone who has ever battled to lose weight will attest, it isn't easy.  Feeling like I'm working so hard for nothing is difficult. What is easy, however, is to question what I am doing wrong, or why things aren't happening quicker. I fight nearly daily with these thoughts, but thus far my stubbornness has won out.

As I was browsing through some photos from the beginning of the year, I happened upon a photo I had taken of myself. I don't recall what exactly the photo was for, or why I had taken it, but I immediately thought, "I should take another one now to see if there's any kind of difference." Mind you, I was sweating, and smelly, unmake-up-ed, etc, but I just wanted to see for myself some tiny, small change. To my surprise, I actually noticed a difference. The photos aren't exactly the same, but I think they tell a story that hard work does in fact pay off... even if it isn't necessarily all on the scale or with the tape measure.

While part of me thinks I should have waited to post this until the first of the month check in, I was just so excited to see some kind of change that I had to do it now. Although it's not a huge difference, and I have a very long way to go, I have to admit that I feel so much better than the woman in the photo from earlier this year. Thanks to bicycles and kickboxing, I believe that even if I'm never tiny {which isn't in my DNA, so I won't be}, I can be strong, capable, and fit.

Thanks for letting me share my excitement! :O)

New Day Resolutions

I have never been a person who has participated willingly in New Year's resolutions. While the new year is a convenient time to start fresh (and thus, I believe, the reason so many of us want to make resolutions in January), I have found that I do far better setting attainable, realistic goals throughout the year. This statement takes it to a new level though. When I think about it though, it makes sense. Shouldn't I be setting out to achieve something every day? It helps keep every day fresh and interesting, rather than feeling as though there is a certain time of year or month that goals should be set. It doesn't have to be a big deal, but something that is a resolution for the day. Love it.

In other news, I have been shocked and amazed over the last six mornings to discover that I have lost something every morning. After several long weeks (months really) of fighting with the same few pounds, it's been a nice change to see the scale dropping (slowly, but dropping) every day. Perhaps my body has finally given in and decided to cooperate, or maybe it's just temporary, but regardless, I'm enjoying and taking what I can get. No complaints out of me, certainly.

My goal to test again this month in kickboxing is moving along swimmingly. I need four more classes (easily attainable before next Saturday) and I'll have made it to that goal. The one thing I'm really kicking myself about at the moment is that I went to so many classes (more than twice what I needed) before I tested for my last belt, which means that really I'm a belt behind. I have considered pleading with the instructor to allow me to test for both at the same time, but then I think that I did it to myself, and have no one to blame, so I should simply let it go and learn a lesson about being stubborn. Time will tell, but honestly, I'll be happy simply to have achieved this goal.

A Change in Routine

The kickboxing class I attend is currently in the middle of a schedule shake up due to sharing of studio space with a karate/tae kwon do class. For the next month, we are taking to the local parks two days a week for a boot camp class instead of attempting to share the studio with the other classes. I was actually excited to be able to get out of the indoor environment and see the kinds of things that anyone can do without equipment.  Here is what I've learned thus far:

The Good
It is awesome to have the opportunity to be outside. Although I'm already aware of this from riding my bike, it's been fun to experience the parks in a different way. The classes are happening early enough to keep the days' heat from killing us all, and I honestly feel as though I'm working my muscles harder (mostly because the ground is uneven, and I'm not a horribly coordinated individual) than if I were in the studio (despite the fact that I do miss the bags on these days). I've learned that there really is no excuse not to do something, even when away from home, but I also know that having someone there to push me is a great motivator.

The Bad
For me, I always feel like the weak link in the bunch. In my mind, I think there's no reason I can't keep up with everyone else, but then reality sets in and I realize how much the extra lbs slow me down. While I know that I'm doing all I can and pushing myself, it's incredibly frustrating to know that I am always last and there isn't anything I can do about it. I feel bad for the individual who ends up getting stuck with me as a partner because I know that I am dragging them down when we're doing paired up activities.

The Ugly
I leave looking like quite a mess. Because the classes are taking place just after (or during) the grass sprinklers routine watering, it is a muddy mess, and because much of the work involves getting on the ground, I leave looking as though I was just involved in a mud wrestling bout. I'm also allergic to grass, so I end up wheezing most of the time and scratching like some kind of diseased individual. It isn't pretty.

Overall, I am enjoying the short term change. Doing things like lunges across a field and dangling our feet on swings while we do push-ups is an interesting switch up, and even if I'm not the most capable in the class, I have to remind myself that I'm doing my best and some day I'll be able to (hopefully) keep up with the rest of the group.

July 1 - Third Check-In

I can't believe three months have already passed since the 5-month journey of bettering myself began. It seems as though it has gone extremely fast! Perhaps part of that is that the first month and a half of it I was still wrapped up in a lot, but regardless, as my mother used to say when trying to motivate me to do anything I wasn't sure I could do - the time will pass, regardless of what is accomplished. So true.

*Image source here

My goal for July 1 was to have my jeans falling off of me, which was edited at the beginning of last month to say that I also wanted to attend at least 6 classes a week of kickboxing. Although I cannot say that my jeans are falling off of me at this point (they are loose, but they stay up on their own - Sam assures me that it "takes a lot" for them to actually fall off), I am happy to be getting stronger and feeling more physically capable than I ever have in the past... thanks, at least in part, to maintaining the 6 (or more) a week kickboxing classes. I had a couple of weeks during which I attended 7-8 times, so I am feeling rather accomplished at the moment.

The August 1 goal I had set for myself at the beginning of this was to complete a 50 mile bike ride. I realize it's not a horribly long distance for some cyclists, but as I stated initially, normally when I get above 35 miles my hands begin to ache so much that I have to stop. I have to say, I haven't been great about training for this "event" I'm supposed to complete in the next 4-ish weeks, but I think it's still doable, even if I have to take breaks along the way.  I am kind of hoping I can drag Sam along on a 50 mile ride since he is far better trained for it. Hopefully, he can give me that extra push to finish up what I have set out to do.

Overall, I think things are moving along fairly well, and I'm looking forward to the last couple months of this self-challenge. Any summer challenges out there that you've completed and would like to share?

The Addiction of Kickboxing

I'm having a little bit of anxiety. We are prepping to leave for "vacation" (I keep using air quotes when referring to this trip because when it's under the obligation to see family, I'm not sure it's really a vacation - though I'm still looking forward to getting out of here for a bit) in a little over a day, and I'm kind of freaking out about not having kickboxing. It's as though it's become some sort of weird addiction, and I need a daily fix. What am I going to do for two weeks without it? I know it sounds insane, and I'm sure many look forward to their time away, but I can feel myself panicking, trying to figure out what I'm going to do as a replacement.

We did purchase a couple of hand block/punching bag sort of thingies to get some punching/kicking in and a tension band to do a few things with, and I know we're taking out bicycles and we'll still get workouts in, but it's just not the same as going to class and having someone push me. It's to the point now that I almost don't even want to go on vacation because I don't want to miss the class. What is wrong with me? Seriously. I've never not wanted to get out and just go.  Honestly, I've never been one for routine, and normally I'd be burned out on this by now and only going a couple of times a week, but  with 6-8 classes a week, something is going to be missing from my life.

I am well aware that I need to just get over it and enjoy the time away, but I find it interesting that I'm experiencing true anxiety about not having that constant in my life. I suppose I'll just have to look forward to the return home and the excitement of not only kickboxing, but my bootcamp classes as well! Bring on the punishment.