Rules of Narcissism

I sincerely believe I am turning into a complete narcissist - or, at least it appears to superficially be the case for me these days. I'm still struggling to see changes in my own body, and while others tell me that I have changed, I don't know why it's so difficult to find them. I take pictures of myself constantly (okay, not constantly, but quite often) in hopes of seeing what others are seeing, and find myself trying to locate pictures from the end of last year/beginning of this year in hopes of making comparisons. The reality is that my measurements haven't really changed, other than losing a fairly sizable chunk out of my chest, so I don't understand what others are seeing. Sometimes, I wonder if they are just telling me I've changed to make me feel better. After all, losing over 50 lbs is a big chunk of weight, and one would think that changes would be evident. Perhaps folks just expect that there should be changes? A sort of preconceived idea of the outcome? I'm not entirely sure.

I put these two phone-photos side by side to take a look for myself.  My head appears to be a slightly different shape now, my glasses seem bigger (no idea why), and my lips seem smaller (is this the aging process... could 6 months do this to me?). I do notice that the triple chin is now down to a double, which is nice, but beyond a few minor shifts, things seem to be about the same.

Although perhaps calling myself a narcissist is a bit extreme, I do think there is a level of the illness present. There are moments when I completely absorb/recoil/etc into self and focus so completely on me that I fear I am neglecting things that I should be taking care of instead. I suppose it is the way with anyone who is trying to make changes, and it would be impossible to not have the desire to see the differences for ones self - or, perhaps I am just trying to convince myself that my self-absorbed behavior is acceptable.

The Week in Brief Review

I had a really cool little moment this morning, but first, I will go back to discuss the last week or so of happenings.  I have been doing my double ups on kickboxing, and getting in training rides for the event next weekend, and it's been exhausting... good, but very tiring. I find that I like working hard, pushing myself, and just trying to see what I can ultimately accomplish. However, at some point my body becomes uncooperative, which I suppose is to be expected. I am slowly learning to allow my body to rest once in awhile, as I know that nothing good comes from constantly pushing without allowing recovery. I think the extra pushing comes in when I have too many things that I want to get done in a short period of time, but I also think that over a short term period, it won't kill me to work a little harder than normal.

Throughout this past week, I have realized that I am so much stronger than I was six months ago - heck, even 3-4 months ago - so much stronger. At the beginning of this year, I would have stated that I did plenty physically; even knowing that it wasn't true. I enjoy the moments when I believe that I cannot go any more, and then somehow manage to do it. It makes me wonder where the ultimate limits actually are for me. Are there limits at all? Perhaps only in my mind.  I was able to get in some longer rides this week, which was important to me because I am concerned about a 51 mile ride, knowing that my wrists have a difficult time in the saddle. I rode 41 miles yesterday (the longest ride I've done in quite some time, actually), and just allowed myself to take a few minute stop every 8-10 miles. It seemed to do the trick with helping to keep my hands from completely dying. I did it without gloves, but I am considering wearing or at least taking some to help out with the situation next Sunday.

*Image found here

As for weight loss... it is back to being uncooperative, but I believe it will ultimately have no choice but to come off. I am doing my best not to concern myself with the daily losses/gains, but rather focus on what I'm doing to make me stronger overall. That is really all that I have control over. I am learning more and more that it's not just how much of something or the number of calories in the food that is important, but what my body can actually use from those calories. I knew that it was important before, but I think with all that I'm trying to do physically right now, I am becoming more aware of the importance of the type of fuel being put in.

After saying that, I will share that I went to bed last night desperately wanting pancakes and bacon. Mind you, I am not much of a meat eater (and honestly, I don't even remember the last time I ate pancakes either), but after the ride yesterday and doing kickboxing, I just wanted something horribly fatty.  When we woke up, I was so hungry and still wanting this food that I knew wouldn't be of any real benefit to my body. So, I caved and we went out for breakfast. As we sat down, I was glancing outside and saw a woman I know who I haven't seen since the end of last year. I told Sam I needed to run out and say hello. As I got outside and waved at her, she kind of looked at me as though she was a tad confused, but after a brief moment, waved back. She said, "Oh my goodness! You look amazing - just wonderful!! What have you been doing?" I have to say, it felt great to know that someone could see the difference in me physically over the past several months, particularly when I don't always see it myself.

All in all, it's been a productive week, and I am finding some calmness about the upcoming ride. There's no reason to worry about it because it will be what it is, and fretting about it beforehand isn't bringing anything of value to my life.

Finding Motivation Outside of Weight Loss

In a few days, I will have been on this new journey for two months. Initially, I lost a solid chunk of weight... and then, it slowed down dramatically. This isn't new for me as any time I have tried to lose weight, I lose it incredibly slowly (despite having plenty to lose). I have never quite understood it, but I've just come to accept that this is the way my body works. It should be a good lesson to never allow it back on my body because, despite what many want to believe, I can literally gain several pounds over night. Because it is so easy to focus on the number on the scale, I have attempted to find other things that provide motivation. It hasn't been easy.

Over the last 5 weeks, I've also started a kickboxing class as was discussed here earlier. I am sore constantly because I push myself to go beyond what I currently believe are my limits, but this action, I believe, is helping change this extremely large body into something new. I have muscles in places I never thought I had muscle. I'm getting stronger, and for once in my life I am actually enjoying it. 

Last night I had an opening to work and ran into a cohort who asked, "Have you lost weight?" I couldn't help but smile because while I haven't lost what I should have over the last month, it was nice that someone else noticed my hard work paying off - even if it isn't on the scale.

I have to remind myself that the number on the scale isn't everything. I started this because I wanted to feel better, be stronger, and know that I am living a healthier life for good - not for a temporary fix. While it's easy to say that I just want to be healthy for health's sake, it's difficult to put in so much work (both food and movement -wise) and not see the number drop the way it should. There are plenty of ways to find motivation - from being able to do something I couldn't do before, to simple comments from others, and I just need to remember that I am progressing, even if it isn't at lightening speeds.