Finding Motivation without Goals

In my last post I wrote about plateauing and how annoying I have found it during this journey, along with some ways that have been suggested to avoid the dreaded plateau. While I don't necessarily believe that these methods always work (since I've tried them, and they haven't always done the trick), I think they're excellent suggestions to keep an individual out of a rut. Today, the topic falls into a similar category in that I am currently struggling to find my motivation. Experts suggest that in order to maintain ones motivation with working out and/or losing weight, there should be specific, measurable goals in mind so that when those tough times hit, it's easier to forge ahead, and so that there is a means of determining progress.

Other than weight loss, I don't have any real goals.

The problem isn't that I don't want to work hard, nor that I don't have the desire to push myself, or to do better in my chosen activities.  The true difficulty is that I don't know what kind of goals to set for myself other than weight loss. I really don't like to run. After Sam and I completed our marathon several years ago, I swore I wouldn't run more than a mile or two ever again. So, any sort of running goals seem out of the question. Beyond not liking it, I have a bum knee and running probably isn't doing that situation any favors (especially with all the added extra weight). I considered attempting skating, but after a recent purchase at a second-hand store, I have yet to do any more than put the skates on my feet and stare at them (of course, I have a definite fear involved with skating, so that's playing its own role)... and again, that knee of mine kind of keeps me from seriously considering this as a regular activity.  Of course there's always cycling, but I've never been one who enjoys the "race" side of cycling. I like using my bike for transportation and the occasional organized ride, and even to get in some extra exercise, but I just don't see myself ever wanting to be someone who competes in races. It loses its fun for me as soon as I add in the time element of a race.  I do live at the base of some pretty incredible mountains, so hiking is always a possibility, but with winter marching closer, I'm not sure this is the best time of year to begin such an endeavor.

*Image found here

So, what's a girl to do? Initially when I started kickboxing, I used the next belt as my motivation. It's not that I cared (nor currently care) about the next belt level itself, but it seemed reasonable to focus on what the next level test would be and how quickly I could get to that point. Focusing on weight loss was bringing too many mental struggles and although it might sound dumb, having my attention centered on how hard I could push myself seemed to be working - at least for several months. Something has happened over the last couple of months though and the next level is actually bringing about more fear than motivation. Honestly, I don't want to test again. After the last one (that I barely made it through), I fear that my lack of weight loss and inability to physically catch up to where I should be at this "level" are hindering my potential. I can't help but get lost in the idea that my body can only get so strong to make up for all the extra weight - and then what? To add to the "list of ailments" I also have an injured and weak back, which plays a role in many of the activities that are a part of kickboxing (and the testing).

While it may sound as though I'm finding excuses or complaining about injuries, the truth is I am terrified of what is to come... and even more so that I may no longer have any sort of goal or motivation to keep me moving forward. If I cannot physically do what is asked of me, how can I expect to see growth - and even more importantly, where do I focus my attention for self-challenges and goals?

For some time now, I've considered giving up kickboxing completely, or at least not participating in it for an extended period of time (of at least several months). Multiple times I've looked into other activities such as CrossFit to see if perhaps I just need a change of scenery. The reality is, however, that changing the location of my workout isn't going to do anything for my physical (or mental) state of being. I'm still going to be slow, fat, and unable to do half (or more) of the activities presented. I'm still going to struggle, and I'm still going to doubt that I am capable of doing what needs to be done. No one else can motivate or set goals for me- it has to come from within... and perhaps that's the biggest struggle of all.

I have three more belts to get in this first round/level of kickboxing, and I'll be damned if I'm going to give up on myself. I spent a lifetime hearing that if I didn't want to do something, I should simply stop doing it, and/or having various people tell me that if a particular activity was too hard, maybe I just need to take a break. That is not the motto I have lived by, nor will it be in the future. I may be exactly the same size I have been, slower than molasses, and unable to handle the gravitational forces on my body, but I will somehow find it within me to move forward. I'm not slowing down because I'm tired, or bored, or weak, or too heavy to do what I want to do - this body is just going to have to figure out how to come along for the ride because my will is stronger than any part of me, and I flat out refuse to give up.

"I don't believe you have to be better than everybody else. 

I believe you have to be better than you ever thought you could be." - Ken Venturi

Giving Up the Scale and the "Goal"

From the start of this journey in early March, my goal has been to lose at least 75 lbs by the end of the year. I seem to go through long stretches of playing with a couple of pounds at a time and it's seemed as though it might not be possible. Over the last few days, I've managed to gain 5 lbs. Nothing has changed. I'm still tracking what I eat, working out hard, but somehow these five pounds have mysteriously made an appearance.

While I know it's possible to lose the 14 pounds I need to by the end of the year, I question the plausibility of it.  Six and a half weeks isn't much time, and with both Thanksgiving and Christmas looming, along with all the fabulousness of food during the next several weeks, I'm a bit terrified of what I'm in for to make it to "the goal." While I can control our meals on the particular holidays, it doesn't seem to stop others from stopping by with sweet treats or other holiday time goodies. Beyond others, I always feel the obligation to make my own sweets, and although I generally don't eat what I bake, who knows what might overcome me in a moment of weakness? I've tried to remind myself that it's all part of integrating better habits into daily life, but the other side of me wonders if the holiday season will be my downfall. I can't help but continue to wait for the day when I finally decide to give up.

As I've been pondering all of this over the last week or so, I've also decided that I cannot deal with the stresses of a scale right now. I find myself weighing multiple times in a day, trying to notice trends and while I only "count" my morning weigh in, this process is messing with my head. So, this morning I asked one of my kickboxing instructors to take the scale away - for at least a month. This time of year is incredibly taxing on me (emotionally) as it is for many others, and I just don't need the added stress of figuring out why I gained a pound on such and such day and then lost on another. I'm hoping that not having the stress of the scale to contend with will put me more at ease and focus me on what really matters - what is going into and out of my body.

Discouraged and Drained

Today, I am completely drained. I feel beat up: mentally and physically. Next Saturday is belt testing in kickboxing and it will be my sixth month in a row to test. Now, it may not seem like a big deal, but for most people, one belt takes anywhere from two (if they go frequently) to six months (if they're more of a "couple of times a week" sort of participant) to complete. That should help to better define how many classes I'm going to every week, and why it is that I'm so tired. Generally, this schedule doesn't kill me (it's tough, but I make it through), but it seems the last couple of weeks have been extra difficult in that the instructors seem to want to put everyone in the class into a state of complete exhaustion. They have each asked me to do things that I am not physically able to do, and it's causing me to re-evaluate why it is I'm in such a hurry to get to the next level.

Put simply, my body hasn't had enough time to catch up to the level I should be for a given belt and it's frustrating me. As much as I want to will my body to do the things I want it to do, it just doesn't seem to want to cooperate, and I can't say I blame it. I'm asking a lot of it. Two kickboxing classes a day, riding my bike, the occasional gym visit - it all adds up; yet, my weight loss isn't on par with the amount of work I put in. The reality is that I have a lot of extra weight and asking my body to do these things repeatedly, day after day, week after week, and month after month is taking its toll. The last couple of weeks have reminded me that I am still the fat girl, and as much as I don't want to be that person, I can't seem to escape that reality.

I've started to wonder if this is just what I will be for the rest of my life. Perhaps I will never have anything even remotely close to a normal body weight? Those fears cause even more anxiety because I find myself wondering why one would push herself so hard if this is all there is for me to achieve. I suppose I'm just tired of being the fat girl. I don't want to be the biggest person in my classes. I don't want to be the biggest person in any given room. Living in the supposed "fittest" state in the U.S. doesn't really help matters because I'm surrounded my health nuts. There are plenty of overweight folks, so don't let the statistics fool anyone, but there is the reality looming that I am fatter than almost anyone here.

What is my point? In summary:
1. I'm fat. As much as I've lost weight, there is so much more to go.
2. I'm slow. I don't lose weight quickly, and I seem to be slow catching up athletically/fitness-wise as well.
3. I'm discouraged. Being unable to keep up during kickboxing classes makes me fear even more the belt tests... not to mention, that I've been playing with the same couple of pounds for three weeks.

Although I realize these feeling will pass, and I will hopefully feel more capable as the days roll by, it's such a horrible place to find oneself - trapped in my own thoughts and feelings.

Rules of Narcissism

I sincerely believe I am turning into a complete narcissist - or, at least it appears to superficially be the case for me these days. I'm still struggling to see changes in my own body, and while others tell me that I have changed, I don't know why it's so difficult to find them. I take pictures of myself constantly (okay, not constantly, but quite often) in hopes of seeing what others are seeing, and find myself trying to locate pictures from the end of last year/beginning of this year in hopes of making comparisons. The reality is that my measurements haven't really changed, other than losing a fairly sizable chunk out of my chest, so I don't understand what others are seeing. Sometimes, I wonder if they are just telling me I've changed to make me feel better. After all, losing over 50 lbs is a big chunk of weight, and one would think that changes would be evident. Perhaps folks just expect that there should be changes? A sort of preconceived idea of the outcome? I'm not entirely sure.

I put these two phone-photos side by side to take a look for myself.  My head appears to be a slightly different shape now, my glasses seem bigger (no idea why), and my lips seem smaller (is this the aging process... could 6 months do this to me?). I do notice that the triple chin is now down to a double, which is nice, but beyond a few minor shifts, things seem to be about the same.

Although perhaps calling myself a narcissist is a bit extreme, I do think there is a level of the illness present. There are moments when I completely absorb/recoil/etc into self and focus so completely on me that I fear I am neglecting things that I should be taking care of instead. I suppose it is the way with anyone who is trying to make changes, and it would be impossible to not have the desire to see the differences for ones self - or, perhaps I am just trying to convince myself that my self-absorbed behavior is acceptable.

Tough Days Come and Go

I'm having a bit of a rough day (mentally) today.  While all of the working out and changing of life seems to be moving forward in a positive direction, I just seem to be having one of those days (several days, actually) during which I am clinging to nuances of unimportant matters. I keep reliving moments, things I've said/not said/should've said/should not have said/etc, and it's making me a bit batty. I'm not sleeping well, and I think it's affecting my general well-being.

*Image from Pinterest

I'm particularly concerned about my mental state because this is typically the point in my losing weight/getting fit journey when I tend to get lazy, or assume that I know what I'm doing and stop logging things or ease up on working out. I don't want that to be the pattern for my life, and I'm trying to very purposefully keep myself motivated and aware of what and how I'm reacting to things. I don't know it all, I obviously have not yet fixed what is broken (and may never fix it, frankly), and I need to keep in a positive frame of mind. Through it all, I realize that there will be good and bad days, and this is all just part of life and this journey. Hopefully, I will pull out of this funk soon and get back in a better state of mind.

Physical Break Down

I have had many days over the last several months during which I was simply exhausted. When one goes from doing nearly nothing to the polar opposite of the spectrum, sometimes ones' body decides to rebel. On the days this has occurred in the past, I've been able to refuel and force myself into continuing on. Today, my body's rebellion won out over my stubborn will. I woke up at about 6:15a to start preparing myself for kickboxing and the subsequent long bike ride. I went through the normal morning rituals and I could tell that my body wasn't happy. I was limping, my back was sore, and above all I was simply exhausted.  "Just push through it," I told myself, as I do each time I wake up with these feelings of stiffness, soreness, and exhaustion. Normally, it does the trick.

*Image found here

It worked well enough to get me to class. I pulled my bicycle up to the door just as they were getting started. But, as I got into the workout, I just couldn't seem to make myself move. I could tell I was half way completing each task, and the harder I tried to push myself, the more difficult it became to do anything. Honestly, I felt dead, and it was quite bothersome. I know everyone needs a day off, and that rest and recovery are extremely important, but I'm normally able to push through the week until a day off over the weekend. About 15 minutes into the 50 minute class, the instructor told us all to grab a quick drink and we'd get back to it. I did not get a drink, but instead sat on the edge of my bag. I put my head in my hands and asked myself silently what in the world I was doing in class.

The instructor took notice of my behavior and came over to check on me. "Are you okay?" she asked. All I could do was say, "No, I'm really not," as I started to cry. I stood up and continued, "I'll be fine. I'm just extremely worn out." She nodded a bit and said, "I can tell... you're just not yourself today." She was able to modify a few things for me so that I could make it through the rest of the workout, but I knew that there was no way I was going to make it through a long bike ride after my inability to make it through a 50 minute class. We chatted briefly about getting in proper amounts of carbs and proteins, and I returned home to attempt to refuel myself.

When I got back, I was looking through my journal of activity and came to the realization that despite the fact that I say I'm going to allow myself a day off to rest, I apparently haven't been taking it. The last complete day off from working out I have had was on July 8! That's insane. No wonder my body was uncooperative. This is always one of my biggest fears for myself... I am either on or off, and the in between place just doesn't seem to exist for me. The problem is that it turns in to burn out and then I completely give up because I'm simply exhausted. I definitely don't want that to happen. So, I have to figure out how I'm going to get everything in, not exhaust myself completely, and still find balance. I'm not sure that's possible, so perhaps something is going to have to give.  I know the upcoming ride in a couple of weeks is adding to the pressure of working out, but if I'm so tired I can't do anything, it won't be of benefit anyway.

In the mean time, I am resting for the remainder of today... and who knows? Tomorrow may end up being that day off I've obviously been in need of for quite some time.

Getting Busted

Confession time: I've been avoiding testing for my next level belt in kickboxing. Why? Well, I've had it in my head that I wanted to be able to complete 10 pushups without having to rest in between each one. After each class, the instructor gives out a "stripe" (which is a piece of electrical tape) that gets wrapped around the belt. After so many are obtained, the belt holder tests for the next belt. So, in order to avoid testing, I have managed to disappear before picking up stripes by sneaking out of class. I was supposed to attend 24 classes before testing for my next belt. I've attended 50 as of this morning. Here's where the "busted" part comes in.

Image found here

As I enter the facility, Chris (instructor) states, "So, you're testing today, right?"

I respond with, "No," as a slight smile eeks through (I can't help it - I'm a horrible liar and really hate keeping things from anyone).

"You tested last month, right?" Chris asks.

"Um, no," I utter quietly.

"Oh, you're testing today then," is the response that comes out of instructor Chris' mouth. "How many stripes do you have?"

"Sixteen," I say. It's not a lie... I just haven't been getting the stripes.

"I want to see your belt," he retorts.

"But, I don't have it with me today. I forgot it at home."

His response, "Oh, you are going to test today."

"But, I'm not ready. We can talk about it after class," I seem to be pleading. "Look, I'm not trying to mess with you or the system, but I just want to be able to do proper pushups."

Chris walks away. I know he's upset, but it's not like I'm cheating to get ahead... I just want to know that I am properly doing what is being asked of me. We go through a 30 minute "warm up" after which he asks all belt testers to come to the front of the class. I do not go to the front of the class. Chris tells one of the other instructors that I am testing. I repeatedly state that I am not. I don't want to be stubborn, but seriously, I just want to do things properly before being rewarded with another level.

Everyone partners up, and we start off with pushups. I do about 35 (I lost count due to the reason about to be explained), as the official testers are getting through however many reps they need to do for their next level. As I'm doing the pushups, Chris comes over to stand beside me.

"I don't understand what you're expecting from yourself? You're already doing pushups better than most of the class," he says.

"I just want to be able to come back up straight... I just can't do that," is my reply.

He responds with, "You're doing them just fine. I'd really like you to test." He walks away.

We move on to other items. Static wall sits, medicine ball jump squats, and situps are next. Chris comes over to do the sit ups with me.

"I really wish you'd just test. You've already done more than what is required for this belt," he says.

I am quiet. What can I really say? I know they're not what I'm expecting, but that doesn't seem to matter to him...And why does he want me to test so badly anyway?

At some point, Chris comes over to me and says that I have been to 50 classes. In my mind I know exactly how many I've been to, but I can see the surprise/disappointment on his face. It's almost as though he's angry/hurt, and I guess I can't really blame him. It wasn't about that though in my mind. I simply wanted to be able to prove to myself that I could do proper pushups - properly.

He finally states that he'll respect my wishes, but he really thinks I should just move up to the next level. I think I'm out of the woods as he walks away again. The group continues on to the end of class at which point we sit with our eyes shut, legs crossed, trying to catch our breath again.

"I can feel you there," I say suddenly, knowing that Chris has sat down next to me.

"I know." He whispers, trying not to disturb others around us. "I really wish you'd let me give you the next belt. You've done the work, and you're an inspiration to so many people here. You have plenty of time to work on whatever you think is wrong with the pushups. It's not as though you're never going to do them again."

Really? This is how he's going to get me? {sigh} I'm a sucker for guilt, I suppose. I don't feel like an inspiration, nor do I feel worthy of the next belt, but he's gone to so much work just to get me to take the thing that now I feel bad.

"Fine. You can give me the belt," finally comes out of my mouth.

"Really?" He asks.

"Yes." I respond.

And with that, somehow I was not only busted, but moved into the next belt level. I guess I'm no longer flying under the radar. Somehow, I think Monday's class will be quite painful for me when he dishes out revenge. {sigh} I suppose I had it coming.

An Alternate View: Inspiration Rather than Failure

The other day, I wrote about my frustrations with myself and not being able to be proud of something I had accomplished. As I was perusing my morning reads, I happened upon a post from the instructor, Chris, who had actually posted the day after the class took place; however, I didn't see it until this morning. His take on the events that evening are printed below.

Image from Pinterest

" THIS Is What It's All About

When I teach both a morning and a night kickboxing class on the same day, I tend to reuse some of the same sets at night that seemed to work in the morning. Of course, if anyone comes to both classes, I try to vary it up enough to keep it interesting for the “two-a-day”ers. G has only been kickboxing with FCF for a little over two months, but she regularly attends both morning and evening classes on Mondays and Wednesdays. Tonight was no exception.

When I told everyone to get out their bags tonight except G, she laughed and just said “uh oh”. (If you know G, you know she smiles and laughs through the most intense sets she does. She definitely brings a positive vibe to every class). I brought over a white board and a marker, hung a rope just a few inches above her reach, took her to the back of the studio floor and told her that her entire workout tonight would consist of 100 burpees. Now I don’t know many people who “like” burpees, and G is certainly no exception, though she smiles and pushes through the short sets we do in warmup and during class sometimes. But I’ve always gotten the sense that G REALLY doesn’t like burpees. Like, at all. But I knew if I asked her to do 100, it was a good bet that she would do her best to do 100 burpees. Plus, she’d smile while doing them. After all, I wouldn’t want to bore her with a repeat of her morning workout. 

G did her 100 burpees. She finished with about 20 minutes left in class, so I figured I’d let her cool down a bit while I continued to teach. Next thing I know, she’s doing….more burpees. “I thought I’d do some extra credit” she said, smiling of course, when I asked her what was going on. Who was I to stop her? “Go for it!” I said, and she did. 110. 120. 150. 180. She didn’t think she was going to finish in time, but she was close enough to our regular ending time that I assured her we would stick around if she wanted to get to 200. When she got to 190, the rest of the class finished up doing continuous burpees with G, cheering her on, until she finished her last 10. No pressure, right? And she did them. 200 burpees total tonight. Has she ever done 200 burpees before? “I don’t think I’ve done 200 total in my life” she told me.

This is what it is all about. G is consistenly one of hardest workers in our classes. She FIGHTS through every single set, every single exercise, every single rep when most people would just give up and say it isn’t worth it. I knew if I asked her to do 100 burpees, she would struggle mightily but she would do them. What I did not anticipate was that she would take a set that I figured would be a major accomplishment for her, and she would double it. It was definitely one of the most inspirational moments I’ve had the pleasure of witnessing in quite awhile.

I promise that if anyone wants to attend two classes in a day, I won’t make you do 100 burpees as a “reward”.   Everyone is motivated by something different, and I had hoped this set would help show G what I knew she was capable of doing. What she ended up doing was showing me something that, just an hour prior, I would not have thought possible. G…mighty impressive job tonight. Thanks for the shot of motivation."

When I read this, I have to admit I cried. It never ceases to amaze me that even though I was unable to see the good in my performance, someone else was ready to offer up praise. I am also fascinated that while our recollections of the evening are quite similar, I could do nothing but beat myself up, while Chris found inspiration in my completion of the task. I hope that I can be that inspiration and stop doubting my own capabilities. To Chris, I say thanks for the alternate viewpoint.

Self-Sabotage

Yesterday was a day of complete and utter self-sabotage. I very purposefully set out to see how much I could eat in a single day. No, I didn't eat all day long, but my meals (specifically the two in the late part of the day) were calorie-laden. I went to bed feeling sad, depressed, and completely ill from the food in my stomach. Why did I do this? Honestly, I just wanted to see what would happen, and prove to myself that I am the one in control. What I didn't like about it is that 1) I was completely sick, and 2) My mental state that allowed me to think this was okay. I consumed approximately 2500 calories, and while in the grand scheme of pig outs it doesn't sound that horrible, it was a ridiculous amount of food. I didn't even want what I ate, which is the saddest part of all.

The bottom line is that I was angry. Angry that I work very, very hard and see no results - and of course, doing myself in isn't going to help the cause.

I'm still trying to figure out what to do. From what I've been reading, I still may not be eating enough calories, but I am truly petrified to take on any more because I fear that it will have adverse affects. In my mind, it's so much easier to take food away than to add it in. The second part is that I think I need to invest in a heart rate monitor. It's the only way I'm truly going to know what I'm burning since online calculators and machines seem to be wildly different in the analysis of calories burned for an individuals' weight. I don't understand why this has to be so mysterious - it's just odd. While I have struggled in the past to lose, it has come off at a slow, but consistent rate if I was putting forth the effort. Now it seems that despite my best intentions, I just cannot make it go away.

I am determined to figure this out though, and I hold firm to the fact that working out should not be done solely for purposes of losing weight, but rather to maintain a healthy life.... it's just so hard when there is absolutely nothing tangible to cling to during these rough times.

Overcoming the Obstacle of Me

Today is a rough day. I am struggling mentally with a lot of things, and when my head is occupied with frivolity, my workouts seem to suffer, my mental state suffers, and everyone around me is forced to endure my random mood swings. My biggest enemy seems to be me at the moment, and I don't know how to fix it, so I keep thinking that getting it all out will help - but even talking seems to just keep me wading in the mucky waters. How am I supposed to feel better about myself when nothing changes? I want so badly to just live in the moment and appreciate it for what it is at this time, but it seems almost impossible. I have always lived in a future state of mind and to bring myself to engaging in the present seems to be quite difficult.

Often, I don't even know how to express the complexity of garbage going on inside, and if I can't even get the words out, how am I supposed to be able to let go of everything? I am a very fortunate person. I have the privilege of being able to work my own hours, at home, doing something I enjoy. I am surrounded by my fur children, and a husband who seems to love me, even when I'm a complete nut case. We live in a great old town area, in a house that is perfect for us. If I want to work out in the middle of the day, go for a bike ride, or just wander down the road, I can. Again, I do appreciate and understand just how fortunate I really am. However, there are other things that seem to linger in my mind and I just can't seem to let go of them.

I find myself getting angry at my parents for not teaching better habits to their children and not having enough sense to keep their own bodies strong. While I realize I am an adult and in control of my behaviors, actions, and reactions, I haven't let go of the fact that I blame them - not for my current physical state - but for creating genetics that seem to severely impede on my ability to get the body I desire. No matter how hard I work, nothing seems to change. I get tired of working hard all the time to have no results. I feel stronger, but I don't feel more capable, and my body has not changed. It's frustrating to say the least.

There are many issues outside the weight issues and lack of changes in my body, but one that I am concerned about most is that I am struggling with who I am as a person. I don't like who I am or who I've become. I can't help but wonder if somewhere the train went off course. I feel so far off at this point I don't know if there's any hope of getting me back where I should be. Maybe this is just the path of life? We don't get to know or even predict how things will turn.

In the mean time, I am doing my best to stay focused on this day... this hour... this moment. Hopefully, that will help focus some of the excess energy being wasted on things that I can't change.

What the Bleep?!

For the last 6 weeks, I have struggled with the same three pounds. Some days, I want to give up - like today. While I am thoroughly enjoying kickboxing and watching my muscles develop through that class, I don't understand what I am doing wrong. I have been eating between 1450-1700 calories a day and going to kickboxing between 3-6 times a week, in addition to riding my bike and going to the gym. There is no reason the weight shouldn't be falling off my body, or at least losing some small amount each week. 

I spent a good portion of yesterday investigating various reasons people don't lose weight. Things like thyroid issues and not properly measuring food were the largest search results, but the one thing that stood out in the search was the possibility of not eating enough food. Could I be eating too little? In a world of people who judge and want to tell overweight individuals they are eating too much, is it possible that I was starving myself? I don't feel hungry. Okay, I get hungry, but then I eat and that takes the hunger away. For the average joe, eating the amount of food I'm eating seems like more than enough, but I thought it might be worth a try to see if it's possible my engine just isn't getting enough fuel. I am burning around 7-8,000 calories a week. Perhaps the scale just needs to be balanced a bit more.

Over the next 1-2 weeks, I am going to test the theory that I need more food. In the back of my mind, I fear that I will suddenly start gaining dramatically, but I figure that in order to see if this is the issue, I have to give my body enough time to respond. I have accepted the possibility that I may gain, but I have to attempt to determine why such a large person isn't dropping at a more steady rate. If I find that I do gain, then I'll try the other direction and drop some calories off... and if that doesn't work {sigh}, well, let's just see where this goes and then I will worry about the potential "what if's" down the road.

Struggling Already?

I have been logging calories and exercise for about a month now (today is actually day 32, as I just calculated), and I have been somewhat consistently losing during that time. A little over two weeks ago, I decided that I had to get back to the gym. Just five years ago I had made a habit of being at the gym 5-6 days a week and in the last year to a year and a half, it all fell apart. What gives? I thought something was a habit if you had done it routinely for a year? 

I know very well what happened - boredom. While many people crave routine and hate change, I am not one of them and if I don't keep things interesting, I have no desire to exercise. I have kept up riding my bike, but I honestly don't count that as exercise, but rather just something I enjoy. A kickboxing class that had been presented to me over a year ago, re-presented itself and I couldn't say no. So, for the last couple of weeks I've been doing that instead of the gym. I am hopeful that it is going to provide motivation for me to get back to the gym, or at least to exercise. While the class is wonderful and tones, strengthens and provides cardiovascular work, I know that the in between days are still going to need something. I can't do that sort of intensity 6 days a week - nor do I want to because it will become dull.

I have realized that while I have a lot of weight to lose and I generally lose it pretty slowly, I am okay with it. Honestly, it hasn't been very slow to this point, and I have absolutely nothing to complain about, so I want to just keep eating so I'm not starving (which I haven't been starving, so no need to start), develop a solid exercise habit (even if it changes now and again to new exercises), and feel better. Yes, I want to lose weight, and yes I want to be healthy - but I have been both overweight and healthy, so the health is far more important to me than the actual pounds. 

As I have told myself in the past, this is not a "diet" in the traditional sense, but a change of habits. I have to eat at least 3 times a day, and I don't know why that seems to be so difficult for me. I suppose when one has developed habits of eating once a day, it just needs to be rearranged. I've done well for the last month eating 3-4 times a day, so I believe it is possible, even with an insanely busy schedule, to make it happen. I have lost about 18 pounds to date - pretty incredible.

I look forward to the changes ahead and seeing my body morph into what I know it can be.