Monday, September 17, 2012

Rules of Narcissism

I sincerely believe I am turning into a complete narcissist - or, at least it appears to superficially be the case for me these days. I'm still struggling to see changes in my own body, and while others tell me that I have changed, I don't know why it's so difficult to find them. I take pictures of myself constantly (okay, not constantly, but quite often) in hopes of seeing what others are seeing, and find myself trying to locate pictures from the end of last year/beginning of this year in hopes of making comparisons. The reality is that my measurements haven't really changed, other than losing a fairly sizable chunk out of my chest, so I don't understand what others are seeing. Sometimes, I wonder if they are just telling me I've changed to make me feel better. After all, losing over 50 lbs is a big chunk of weight, and one would think that changes would be evident. Perhaps folks just expect that there should be changes? A sort of preconceived idea of the outcome? I'm not entirely sure.
I put these two phone-photos side by side to take a look for myself.  My head appears to be a slightly different shape now, my glasses seem bigger (no idea why), and my lips seem smaller (is this the aging process... could 6 months do this to me?). I do notice that the triple chin is now down to a double, which is nice, but beyond a few minor shifts, things seem to be about the same.

Although perhaps calling myself a narcissist is a bit extreme, I do think there is a level of the illness present. There are moments when I completely absorb/recoil/etc into self and focus so completely on me that I fear I am neglecting things that I should be taking care of instead. I suppose it is the way with anyone who is trying to make changes, and it would be impossible to not have the desire to see the differences for ones self - or, perhaps I am just trying to convince myself that my self-absorbed behavior is acceptable.

2 comments:

  1. Hello, Gorgeous!

    Tt takes a lot of effort and attention to make significant life changes and we all desperately want to see that those changes make a difference. I was doing the exact same thing when I was on Jenny Craig a couple of years ago: poring over the mirror, searching for changes. No matter how much Scott would tell me my body was changing, I couldn't see it. I think that I have some body dysmorphia. I mean, I didn't notice how large I was getting in the first place.

    Getting back to you... the differences between the Then and Now photos is rather striking. Your entire face is slimmer and your jaw line is sharper. You still have pinchable cheeks, but you've also got cheek bones. That's why your glasses look larger. (You've got lovely bone structure, btw.) The area at the base of your neck also looks firmer. You've got a lot of changes there. I hope you're able to see them before too much longer.

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    Replies
    1. I can identify with those feelings of not recognizing gaining the weight either, Melanie. It took me several years to realize how big I was getting. I mean, I knew I was physically gaining weight, but I just kept thinking, "I can't see any difference," or "I don't think anyone can tell... they would say something if they could, right?" I think it can be difficult either way (losing or gaining). I notice small changes, but it doesn't seem as dramatic to me as others want me to believe. Don't get me wrong... I definitely feel better, but I struggle to see it on the outside. I guess I'll get there, eventually - at least, I hope!

      Thank you for your very sweet words... even if I don't yet see it. :O)

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