Sensitivity to "Fat" Comments

A topic that comes up somewhat regularly in our household is that of the public's perception of overweight or obese individuals. On rare occasions, I find myself in tears because of something someone has said in an online forum or in some kind of magazine. I am well aware of the fact that having fat on my body is completely unacceptable to the majority of the population. The problem for me comes in when I realize that I am being judged on a continual basis. Those guys I just passed in the pick up truck while riding my bike - yeah, they were judging me. The "serious cyclist"{picture kit-clad, 14lbs carbon bike riding individual} giving me a look while I ride my steel road bike at human speeds, rather than super speeds. The teenage girls, the mother of four - you name it - they are all judging me.

I don't live my life as though I'm being constantly judged, but every now and again, a reminder is brought to my attention that "they" are in fact watching, observing, and letting me know that "they" are the "superiors" of this planet.

I can nearly guarantee that I work out harder than nearly any of them, and have for quite awhile. My annoyance comes out when someone insists on making statements such as "fat and lazy" or "obese because they do nothing," and I can feel my temper begin to flare as I take these comments personally. How can I not? Basically, these folks are telling me that I eat poorly and don't move, and thus the fat on my body. But that is not reality for me. I cannot begin to count the number of times I have cried because I am doing everything I physically can to change my body and nothing seems to work.

Unfortunately, these times generally coincide with me finding a random comment on a blog or some online forum that just infuriates me. No one should be lumped together. We are all individuals and we come with different quirks and issues, in different shapes and sizes, and have different abilities and goals. I do my best to take solace in the fact that I know I'm doing everything I can to be the best me - and isn't that really all anyone can do?

Sam {partner in life/crime}tries to tell me that he doesn't know anyone who thinks I'm "fat and lazy," and states that anyone who knows me is well aware that I am a strong woman. I'd like to believe that because I do think I am strong, and getting stronger every day. As for changing the attitudes of other people, I'm not sure that is ever possible. The only thing I can do is try to alter the way I take in information, and know that I am doing everything in my power to better myself. You know the saying, "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me?" Well, that isn't the case for me... sticks and stones aren't going to break my bones because I am strong... and their words - well, I'm doing my best to not let them hurt me either.

Self-Sabotage

Yesterday was a day of complete and utter self-sabotage. I very purposefully set out to see how much I could eat in a single day. No, I didn't eat all day long, but my meals (specifically the two in the late part of the day) were calorie-laden. I went to bed feeling sad, depressed, and completely ill from the food in my stomach. Why did I do this? Honestly, I just wanted to see what would happen, and prove to myself that I am the one in control. What I didn't like about it is that 1) I was completely sick, and 2) My mental state that allowed me to think this was okay. I consumed approximately 2500 calories, and while in the grand scheme of pig outs it doesn't sound that horrible, it was a ridiculous amount of food. I didn't even want what I ate, which is the saddest part of all.

The bottom line is that I was angry. Angry that I work very, very hard and see no results - and of course, doing myself in isn't going to help the cause.

I'm still trying to figure out what to do. From what I've been reading, I still may not be eating enough calories, but I am truly petrified to take on any more because I fear that it will have adverse affects. In my mind, it's so much easier to take food away than to add it in. The second part is that I think I need to invest in a heart rate monitor. It's the only way I'm truly going to know what I'm burning since online calculators and machines seem to be wildly different in the analysis of calories burned for an individuals' weight. I don't understand why this has to be so mysterious - it's just odd. While I have struggled in the past to lose, it has come off at a slow, but consistent rate if I was putting forth the effort. Now it seems that despite my best intentions, I just cannot make it go away.

I am determined to figure this out though, and I hold firm to the fact that working out should not be done solely for purposes of losing weight, but rather to maintain a healthy life.... it's just so hard when there is absolutely nothing tangible to cling to during these rough times.

OMG - Is it Actually Working?

HOLY SHIT! <--{Please pardon the language}

I think this is actually working.

It's only been a couple of days since I started increasing my caloric intake and I have lost 3 pounds! I have spent the last six weeks struggling with three pounds, so to lose three pounds in two days. You've got to be kidding me? All I had to do was eat more?

Okay, okay. I don't want to get overly excited about something that I just started doing, but you have to imagine my utter glee to lose that amount of weight so quickly while actually eating more food. It seems so counterintuitive, but at the same time, it makes sense. My engine (body) was out of gas. How can I expect it to do all that it's been doing if I don't provide fuel? The answer... it doesn't do all that it's been doing... at least not without consequences, and that is why the engine was clinging desperately to the fuel - because it was afraid to give up the energy for fear that it wouldn't get any more.

Duh.

I am truly not stupid, but I honestly thought I was getting plenty of nourishment. I was wrong. I can admit that fact - I am wrong often - but it seems like such a simple fix and it took me far too long to figure it out. Again, I will wait out the full 2 weeks to see if this is actually what the problem has been, but I am already excited about the results and remain hopeful that if I just feed my body properly, it will cooperate with dropping the excess pounds.

Yippee!

What the Bleep?!

For the last 6 weeks, I have struggled with the same three pounds. Some days, I want to give up - like today. While I am thoroughly enjoying kickboxing and watching my muscles develop through that class, I don't understand what I am doing wrong. I have been eating between 1450-1700 calories a day and going to kickboxing between 3-6 times a week, in addition to riding my bike and going to the gym. There is no reason the weight shouldn't be falling off my body, or at least losing some small amount each week. 

I spent a good portion of yesterday investigating various reasons people don't lose weight. Things like thyroid issues and not properly measuring food were the largest search results, but the one thing that stood out in the search was the possibility of not eating enough food. Could I be eating too little? In a world of people who judge and want to tell overweight individuals they are eating too much, is it possible that I was starving myself? I don't feel hungry. Okay, I get hungry, but then I eat and that takes the hunger away. For the average joe, eating the amount of food I'm eating seems like more than enough, but I thought it might be worth a try to see if it's possible my engine just isn't getting enough fuel. I am burning around 7-8,000 calories a week. Perhaps the scale just needs to be balanced a bit more.

Over the next 1-2 weeks, I am going to test the theory that I need more food. In the back of my mind, I fear that I will suddenly start gaining dramatically, but I figure that in order to see if this is the issue, I have to give my body enough time to respond. I have accepted the possibility that I may gain, but I have to attempt to determine why such a large person isn't dropping at a more steady rate. If I find that I do gain, then I'll try the other direction and drop some calories off... and if that doesn't work {sigh}, well, let's just see where this goes and then I will worry about the potential "what if's" down the road.