Tried My Best; Failed Miserably

For those who do not know me in every day (real) life, I am an extremely strong-willed individual. I don't always voice my opinions (in fact, rarely so unless I know someone fairly well), but when I am determined to do something, you can bet money that it will get done - one way or another. I have just never done well with someone telling me I can't do something or even that I shouldn't do something. It almost becomes a challenge for me to prove that I can do it - whatever that "it" might be. I can think of many instances in my life when I was advised not to do something and went ahead with it anyway.

This I'm-just-going-to-do-the-opposite behavior started very young. I still recall being three years old in a plant nursery with my mother. Out of the corner of my eye, I spotted these amazingly colored, small cactus-like plants, and just as I was going to touch them, my mom said, "No, no. Don't touch those... it will hurt." She turned her back to look at something else, and I immediately slammed my hands down on the top of these rainbow colored plants. When I picked my hands up, they were full of spiny little prickles from the cactus. Of course, tears ensued and my mother proclaimed, "I told you not touch those." She didn't understand it, nor did I at the time, but I think it was simply the beginning of a life full of having to try things for myself, and never accepting that I couldn't or shouldn't do a particular thing.

Image found here

In two weeks, it will be one year since I started a journey to better myself physically. I had gained quite a bit of weight, even for me - the chubby kid who turned into an obese adult, and I've spoke about my reasons for wanting to be stronger and lose weight in the past (feel free to re-read if you have interest here). The bottom line is that I knew if I set my mind to it, I could accomplish my goals. I remember thinking at the start that in one year, I would likely be down about 100 pounds. It was an average of about 8 pounds a month, and I knew it was a slightly lofty goal, but I also believed it was entirely doable. What an incredible thing to be able to do for myself, too. Obviously, as the ticker on the sidebar indicates, I haven't reached that goal, nor will I in the next two weeks (for those using a reader who can't see the sidebar, I'm down 63.5 lbs as of today).

I'm not the best at math, but that roughly calculates out to a little over 5 lbs a month on average. Not too shabby, I will admit, except that it really hasn't been that sort of journey. I've been on a "plateau" for four and a half months. That's a really long time to go without seeing a change. The odd thing is, it's not that my weight doesn't change, it just changes within the same 5-6 lbs. Up and down, back and forth, I seem to fight with the same pounds over and over again.

Image found here

I suppose, for most folks this would be the point at which they state that they had lost focus or had slacked off in some area of their nutrients or workout regime, but I can honestly say that isn't the case for me. If anything, I've pushed myself to always do more, to push harder, or to make changes that are beneficial. I like working out hard, and I like eating well because I feel better and I know my body is getting what it needs to function properly. I love that feeling of not knowing whether or not I can actually finish a workout. It's awesome.

I've researched, read, and spoken with "experts" who have offered suggestions to help alleviate this plateau. In fact, one such individual told me that "no plateau should last longer than 3 weeks." Ha! I honestly believe I'm living proof that this is obviously not the case for everyone. I've tried eating more, eating less, higher protein, fewer simple carbs, more frequent smaller meals - giving each of these 2-3 weeks (or more) to see if they'd work - and, nothing. I've been to the doctor and had blood work done, convinced that something must be wrong with me. Nope. Healthy as a horse (sans the ton of excess weight). I've tried adding in extra cardio, too, but nothing results in changes. Even typing this out, I know more suggestions will likely be offered (most of which I've probably already tried), and while I love that people want so very much to help me (I have some truly awesome people in my life), I have finally come to an answer on my own - and it's not at all what I expected from the start of this journey.

My body is done.

Image found here

My body is not going to give up any more weight. I'm not even remotely close to where I should be, fat rolls still abound, and I have an enormous amount of work to do, but the bottom line is that for whatever reason my body has decided it's happy where it is and isn't going to release me from the fat prison. Genetics are a tough thing, and while I know I have the "fat genes" from both sides of my family, I was certain from the start that I could win the battle and I would be the exception. We don't have to live with the hand we're dealt, right? At least not when it comes to our ability to lose weight.  Yet, here I am. I think I finally understand that I am fighting a battle I truly cannot win, and it sucks (for lack of a better word at the moment).

That's a really tough thing for me to accept - particularly because I am such a hard-headed thing. I've been thinking about what it actually means for me moving forward, and I know it doesn't change what I'm doing because healthier habits have certainly come from the experience of the last year, and I am so grateful for that reality. Unfortunately, it does mean that some of the things I'd like to do, I won't be able to accomplish, and that really bums me out. For example, I won't be able to take my black belt test in kickboxing. I had the opportunity to witness a black belt test just a few months into my kickboxing experience, and I knew then that I would have to lose quite a bit in order for my body to withstand the rigors of such a test. I have too many ailments beyond the weight that would hinder me in this sort of physical endeavor, and having so much extra weight would make it nearly impossible for me to complete - or, it would leave me broken for a very long time (knowing that I am stubborn and would probably stupidly attempt it anyway).

It's extremely difficult to accept this reality, but I also know it is the only way I'm going to have any sort of mental sanity. Deep down, I know I will never give up the fight, but I don't know how else to carry on with life normally when all I have worked toward are changes that simply refuse to happen. I will continue to push myself, work hard, and do what I know is best for me, but I suppose my focus has to change and I have to accept that this is one battle I don't get to win... no matter how much I attempt to fight it.

Beauty and the Beast

My documentation seems to be getting more and more scattered these days. I have random thoughts and some how lose them before I have the opportunity to write anything out. I find that once I'm focused on one aspect of life, it's difficult to get myself focused on another again. It is beyond frustrating. As I was riding along one of our many trails this morning, I suddenly realized how alone I was. Normally, our multi-use paths and trails are filled with people walking, running, biking or skating, and it felt a bit strange to suddenly comprehend that I hadn't passed or been passed by anyone. Sure, it's February, and the colder temperatures probably aren't helping anyone stick to their outdoor routines (though it has been incredibly warm for this time of year), but normally I see at least a lone individual out walking his/her dog.

It really is a beautiful season, despite what I often tell myself. I get caught up in the idea that everything is dead right now, and I grow weary of seeing all the dry trees without leaves, and the remnants of de-icer on the roads. My mind wanders into thoughts about the chemicals laid down after each snow and how they are probably destroying my bike tires, and before I know it I've ruined a perfectly lovely ride.

This morning, however, I allowed myself to appreciate what was around me and decided to take a longer route in to my morning kickboxing class. I seem to be battling a lot of demons these days and no matter how hard I try to work through them, to get them out and dealt with, the big ones seem to pop their heads up on a rather routine basis. Riding is simply one of the few times I feel as though I can let everything go. It doesn't matter how fast or slow I am, it doesn't matter if I pass anyone who might think I'm crazy, because the reality is even if they do see me talking to myself or crying, I'll be gone and over the next ridge before they give it a second thought. My two wheels really are the best kind of therapy - and it doesn't cost me a cent (sans the occasional flat tire or minor malfunction).

Today, my thoughts took me into some of the darkest places of my mind. I want to believe that I am changing and growing, but when the tangible results aren't visible, it's a lot easier to beat myself up than it is to be kind. Being nice to myself isn't necessarily a strong suit anyway. I often don't feel I deserve to show any sort of mercy with self-related matters. After all, what have I done to deserve any kindness? In a few days, I will have reached what I never wanted to get to - my four-month-iversary with this damn weight loss plateau. I can appreciate those who try to encourage me by saying that at least I'm maintaining the losses  accomplished before this all started (believe me, I do appreciate this), but at the same time, I am not a tiny person and I do my best to work hard every day to see changes in this body. I don't mean that I go on leisurely strolls with my dog or count folding laundry or doing dishes as a work out. I mean the kind of sweating that has me coming home questioning whether I can possibly do it again the next day (or sometimes, later in the same day). It feels so incredibly wrong, defeating, maddening, and many other adjectives I could come up with to not have physical validation that my efforts aren't in vain. Sure, I'm not working out six hours a day like some of the contestants on reality television shows, but I'm also not expecting to drop 10 lbs a week. How about a pound a week? That doesn't seem unreasonable. At this point, how about a pound a month? Anything would be more acceptable than what has happened. I find I want to push myself even harder, attempting to force results that simply do not want to materialize. I literally fight with whatever this "thing" is inside of me - sometimes out loud - telling it things like, "You think you're starving? I'll show you starving!" or "You think you've been working hard? You haven't seen anything yet!" believing that I can somehow manipulate the "beast" into cooperating.

So, this morning I decided to appreciate the slowly melting river and the few ducks that were swimming by. I took the time to embrace the fact that I had solitude on my ride and that in just a few months, that same path will be full of individuals out for their morning run, or racing to get the dog out before they head to work. I relished the idea of being able to swerve back and forth on the path, knowing that someone wasn't going to come racing around a blind corner (don't worry, I was paying attention - just in case). In short, I enjoyed the cold and the ride. I let myself laugh, cry, argue with the demons and the beast inside, and have a much needed therapy session, and I'll do the same as many winter days as possible.

Finding Motivation without Goals

In my last post I wrote about plateauing and how annoying I have found it during this journey, along with some ways that have been suggested to avoid the dreaded plateau. While I don't necessarily believe that these methods always work (since I've tried them, and they haven't always done the trick), I think they're excellent suggestions to keep an individual out of a rut. Today, the topic falls into a similar category in that I am currently struggling to find my motivation. Experts suggest that in order to maintain ones motivation with working out and/or losing weight, there should be specific, measurable goals in mind so that when those tough times hit, it's easier to forge ahead, and so that there is a means of determining progress.

Other than weight loss, I don't have any real goals.

The problem isn't that I don't want to work hard, nor that I don't have the desire to push myself, or to do better in my chosen activities.  The true difficulty is that I don't know what kind of goals to set for myself other than weight loss. I really don't like to run. After Sam and I completed our marathon several years ago, I swore I wouldn't run more than a mile or two ever again. So, any sort of running goals seem out of the question. Beyond not liking it, I have a bum knee and running probably isn't doing that situation any favors (especially with all the added extra weight). I considered attempting skating, but after a recent purchase at a second-hand store, I have yet to do any more than put the skates on my feet and stare at them (of course, I have a definite fear involved with skating, so that's playing its own role)... and again, that knee of mine kind of keeps me from seriously considering this as a regular activity.  Of course there's always cycling, but I've never been one who enjoys the "race" side of cycling. I like using my bike for transportation and the occasional organized ride, and even to get in some extra exercise, but I just don't see myself ever wanting to be someone who competes in races. It loses its fun for me as soon as I add in the time element of a race.  I do live at the base of some pretty incredible mountains, so hiking is always a possibility, but with winter marching closer, I'm not sure this is the best time of year to begin such an endeavor.

*Image found here

So, what's a girl to do? Initially when I started kickboxing, I used the next belt as my motivation. It's not that I cared (nor currently care) about the next belt level itself, but it seemed reasonable to focus on what the next level test would be and how quickly I could get to that point. Focusing on weight loss was bringing too many mental struggles and although it might sound dumb, having my attention centered on how hard I could push myself seemed to be working - at least for several months. Something has happened over the last couple of months though and the next level is actually bringing about more fear than motivation. Honestly, I don't want to test again. After the last one (that I barely made it through), I fear that my lack of weight loss and inability to physically catch up to where I should be at this "level" are hindering my potential. I can't help but get lost in the idea that my body can only get so strong to make up for all the extra weight - and then what? To add to the "list of ailments" I also have an injured and weak back, which plays a role in many of the activities that are a part of kickboxing (and the testing).

While it may sound as though I'm finding excuses or complaining about injuries, the truth is I am terrified of what is to come... and even more so that I may no longer have any sort of goal or motivation to keep me moving forward. If I cannot physically do what is asked of me, how can I expect to see growth - and even more importantly, where do I focus my attention for self-challenges and goals?

For some time now, I've considered giving up kickboxing completely, or at least not participating in it for an extended period of time (of at least several months). Multiple times I've looked into other activities such as CrossFit to see if perhaps I just need a change of scenery. The reality is, however, that changing the location of my workout isn't going to do anything for my physical (or mental) state of being. I'm still going to be slow, fat, and unable to do half (or more) of the activities presented. I'm still going to struggle, and I'm still going to doubt that I am capable of doing what needs to be done. No one else can motivate or set goals for me- it has to come from within... and perhaps that's the biggest struggle of all.

I have three more belts to get in this first round/level of kickboxing, and I'll be damned if I'm going to give up on myself. I spent a lifetime hearing that if I didn't want to do something, I should simply stop doing it, and/or having various people tell me that if a particular activity was too hard, maybe I just need to take a break. That is not the motto I have lived by, nor will it be in the future. I may be exactly the same size I have been, slower than molasses, and unable to handle the gravitational forces on my body, but I will somehow find it within me to move forward. I'm not slowing down because I'm tired, or bored, or weak, or too heavy to do what I want to do - this body is just going to have to figure out how to come along for the ride because my will is stronger than any part of me, and I flat out refuse to give up.

"I don't believe you have to be better than everybody else. 

I believe you have to be better than you ever thought you could be." - Ken Venturi

Hurry Up and Wait: The Weight Loss Plateau

This weight loss journey of mine has brought an interesting ebb and flow of emotions. I've learned that the scale can be my best friend and my worst enemy (sometimes, on back to back days). Even scarier? It doesn't take much to send me into a downward spiral. Keeping myself from "going there" mentally can be challenging, but I try to find ways to prevent it.

Early on in this process, I hit a plateau. When I had reached 24 lbs lost, I was so excited that losses were happening at a good rate. Then, I went into a long kind of holding pattern. It took 3 months to get to the 30 lbs lost marker, and for weight loss to resume. I went up and down, playing with the same few pounds. Making it through that long stretch wasn't fun. Knowing that I have a lot of weight to lose, I never dreamed such a long stretch of not losing was even possible so early on. Various individuals blamed it on muscle gain, but I found that difficult to believe - especially when it happened for months, not days or weeks. I remained diligent though and kept doing what I thought I needed to do, and eventually the weight loss started once again.

Currently, I'm going through another one of these times. Approximately 2 months ago, I was exactly where I am today. I've gone back and forth with the same 4 lbs, losing and gaining. I've done some research trying to determine exactly how long a plateau can last. I have yet to find an answer to this question, but it seems as though it can go on indefinitely without changes. What kinds of changes? It appears that while I continue to eat less than I need to maintain my weight, and workout hard several days a week, that may be exactly what is contributing to this non-loss mode I'm currently experiencing.

Image found here

As a whole, society wants to believe that if we just eat less and workout, we will of course lose weight. Turns out the body doesn't like that. Our bodies want to remain the same. Changing requires energy and since our bodies are designed to survive, even in the most drastic types of situations, when it sees that the fat reserves are dwindling it goes into what I now refer to as "famine mode."  I sometimes picture the conversation taking place in my body with little army men fighting to keep the fat safe. All I can think is, "Stand down, already." Unfortunately, my pleas seem to go unheard by those little protectors of the fat cells. Our bodies want to survive a famine; in fact, they're designed to do so. So, how do I get it to cooperate once again?

My last round with a plateau, I just kept doing what I needed to do. I did eat a bit more which helped for a short while, but ultimately even eating more didn't do the trick.  This time, I think I may engage in more experimentation to see what happens. Switching up calories each day (for example, eating 1800 cals one day, 1200 another day, and 2000 on another may help keep the body guessing, thus releasing me from this holding pattern), eliminating super tough workouts from my every day routine (while high intensity interval training is great, if I'm doing it all the time, my body still gets used to it and needs a change), and even switching the types of food I'm eating (I tend to be a creature of habit when it comes to food - adding in some new things could be the answer) are all things I think I may try with this round of plateauing.

Although I don't have all the answers, I'm hoping these little tricks will do something to jumpstart the weight loss once again. Goodness knows I cannot afford to be in such a seemingly eternal holding pattern with so much more to lose. Anyone else have experience with dealing with and surviving a plateau? Your thoughts and advice are certainly welcome.