The {Long} Fat Rant

I'm on a rant... again. :o)  This seems to happen with more frequency than I would like, but it's a common theme that comes up in various places and it just bothers me to no end when I read people's comments on articles, news stories, blog posts, etc that are discussing the problem with obesity in {fill in a country, state, city, etc}. Perhaps I take it all a little too personally (okay, I know that I do), so I'll grant anyone that starting point, but I become close to enraged when I see/read about "average" size people admonishing those who are not a perfect Barbie size for being over weight, obese, and so on. This rant started specifically after reading comments on an article here, but truly, I could've picked many articles that I've come across over the course of my life, so in no way is this meant in specific response to anything in particular.

WARNING: I'm annoyed at the moment, so this may be less than kind... please do not take offense.

First of all, if you are an individual who has never been overweight in your life (and I'm not talking about 5 or 10 pounds, but rather someone who has actually struggled with weight), you have no business judging anyone else... and quite honestly, even if you have been or are currently over weight, you still shouldn't be setting goals or determining what is or isn't acceptable as far as someone else's lbs' go. Telling someone to not eat certain foods, or to "just exercise more" isn't a productive solution in my opinion. As someone who has been obese her entire life (yes, my entire life - I recall being the super chubby kid, even in kindergarten), and had to listen to other people tell me what is and isn't acceptable, I am truly and honestly fed up (Ha! No pun intended) with the situation. It's very easy to judge based on the surface, but the reality is that just looking at an individual doesn't necessarily tell you what they do or eat in their every day life.

My kindergarten school photo - Ugh!

In ninth grade (and actually far beyond the 9th grade) I had a friend named Christa. Christa weighed about 80 pounds soaking wet... after two double cheeseburgers... wearing extra clothing... and on a "fat" day. I'm sure seeing us together was quite a sight for some, as I was easily more than double her size... and that was after I'd spent some time starving myself to lose weight. Christa ate literally everything within her reach. She never ate a vegetable - ever (she always said the only vegetable she would eat was a potato... and that was only if it had been deep fried), would easily eat two to three times the amount of food of anyone else around, and yet she remained annoyingly slim.

That's me in the hot pink top, and Christa in the Hypercolor pink t-shirt (ahh, remember Hypercolor shirts?)
This was a surprise 15th b-day party for me... Yay! I was actually "thin" here.

I, on the other hand, hardly ate most days. Generally, I forgot breakfast (or woke up too late to eat it), I would perhaps eat a few bites of yogurt, a piece of fruit, and/or half a turkey sandwich for lunch. Dinner was whatever mom had cooked, or whatever I made for my little brother and me, but by no means were these meals ridiculous portions. Sure, there were days when I'd have not so great food (I mean, who are we kidding? Everyone gives in to temptation now and again), but I was always irritated that no matter what I did, I couldn't be a "normal" size. I took up running for a time, walked to the local park, even had my mom get me a gym membership so I could work out after school every day, but nothing seemed to help.

Yeah, I've always danced to the beat of my own drum...
Not sure what I was on this particular day

Okay, so a lot of people struggle with weight growing up, right? I would agree, but it never ended for me. In fact, it got worse. It seemed (and still seems) that the harder I fight to lose, the heavier I become. I finally realized a few years ago that I am fighting an endless battle that I likely won't win... and I'm honestly okay with that. However, the rest of the world seems to have issue with it. Why do the masses in general assume (and it is a big assumption) that because an individual is over the standard accepted size that s/he is constantly stuffing his/her face with never ending fast foods, constantly downing chocolaty indulgences, and never moving his/her body?

Me with my Hillborne on a long ride this past September...
I really hate this picture, but hey, it's somewhat proof that I don't sit around doing nothing all day.

My doc and I had a chat a few years back about being unable to lose weight. I went in, not seeking a pill or some magical fix, but truly wanting to know what is wrong with me. After blood work and various tests his statement to me was this: "I only wish the rest of my patients were as healthy as you." So, my obvious reply was, "Then why can't I lose weight?" He shook his head somewhat identifying with me (the doc is a bit on the chubby side too - which is probably why I love him so - he refrains from judgement) and said, "The only thing I can tell you is that your body is getting too many calories. Hey, look at it this way, if we were in a famine, you'd be one of the ones to survive!" Hardy-har-har doc. So, how can I get too many calories if I'm eating the number that all the "experts" say I should be eating, at least 99% of the time?

Maybe if I fatten up Sam, I won't look so big? Just kidding...
he is just the sampler of my baking before he takes it to work to share with others...
to fatten them up (kidding... truly kidding). I just like to bake and share.

My answer is this: It doesn't matter. I am alive and healthy now, in this moment. Sure, I would love to lose weight and not feel like a freak show standing next to the "normals" (including hubby - Hi Sam... love you!), but that isn't who I am, and while I cannot speak for every single over weight man, woman, and child on the planet, I know what I do and don't do, what I eat and don't eat, and quite honestly, I don't need someone else telling me what to do or not do because the supposed "expert" advice they provide obviously doesn't work for me. And while I do realize that there are over weight individuals who definitely do over indulge on a regular basis, this doesn't mean that every person who has extra pounds is partaking in every food item that comes his/her way, nor that they never exercise or do anything active. It all seems so never-ending.

In fact, I'm currently avoiding a trip to our new doctor (our insurance recently changed, unfortunately) because I don't want the lecture about losing weight. I'm not stupid, and believe me rarely does a day goes by that I'm not reminded by someone that I am, indeed, obese, but even the doctor's want to make decisions based solely on just seeing a person and reading that the pounds reflected on the scale are more than they should be, given the person's height. Shouldn't there be a better way to deal with this? Perhaps they should get to know the person and their habits before making a judgement call?

I guess the bottom line for me is this: I am tired of feeling like I have to justify my right to exist in a world full of people who choose to place judgement prior to knowing anything about me. I suppose if I could say anything to these individuals it would be that 1) Your comments are sometimes hurtful, particularly when you don't know the person (These insults can often come in a form that may not seem to the person saying it to be an insult at all, but believe me, perception is key here - For example, if I have one more guy at the gym tell me "good job" while I'm running on a treadmill - which in my mind is code for "Oh, look that fat woman decided she needed to exercise... Good for her!" Not realizing that I've been running for the last several years, making their statement a huge insult to me- I'm going to scream, or possibly just take them out, right there in front of everyone at the gym - believe me, if nothing else, I can sit on you!); and 2) Please don't judge a book by its cover. Even "normal" size people have things about themselves they wish they could change. It may not be something that anyone can see, but I'm sure there's something. Think about how you'd feel if everyone you ran into on a daily basis was judging you because of your flaw, pointing it out at every opportunity. In the end, we're all just trying to live our lives the best that we can, and there's really no reason to interfere with someone else's happiness... or at least, that's my take on the situation.

Wide Load

At one time or another, almost every human has felt ostracized from his/her peers, or felt as though they were too different to fit in with the masses. If you ride a bicycle for transportation, this can be a regular occurrence.  Various statistics point to slightly more than 2% of 1 mile or shorter trips by American's being taken by bicycle. The figure is a tad higher for slightly longer voyages by bike, but it's easy to see that bicyclists are the minority in a car-loving society.

A few weeks ago, I was reminded that I find myself in an even smaller statistic: women who are severely overweight AND cycle. This reminder came through various sources and on different days. One of the reminders was a post by Lovely Bicycle! that resulted in a fairly lively discussion of cycling apparel. Though I was already aware of this fact, overweight women (and even women larger than say a size 10 or so) have a very difficult time finding cycling wear. To top it off, the few sources that are available for those of us who fall into this category are not all that exciting. Even places like Terry and Shebeest that offer some relatively cute designs, don't make all of the styles in larger sizes.

Lambswool sweater in the misses section of Terry: cute, looks comfy, would definitely
keep me warm in the winter months

To top it all off, women like myself our forced into a 'special' section of clothing, which in the course of my lifetime I've discovered means 'limited.' I've sent emails and even made phone calls, but I have sort of felt the need to resign myself to a harsh reality: most larger ladies don't ride a bike, so why would manufacturers produce the clothes for them?

The closest, even remotely equivalent find at Terry for larger ladies -
Not anything close to the above design

The next reminder of my size came when I found a photo online, taken by a journalist, who was documenting the Venus de Miles ride I participated in a few weeks ago. As if it's not enough to already have body image issues, I have to discover a quite revolting photo of myself, mid-ride, third chin hanging to my knees. When seeing such a sight, I couldn't help but be reminded that I was likely the largest person on this ride.  I was pounded with the vision of just how large my thighs and legs are in general; I was reminded that I should never wear sleeveless shirts in public - ever; I was beaten over the head with the thought that I am alone in a world full of 'fit and trim' cyclists. True, the photo is extremely unflattering, and, yes, I've tried to keep this in mind; however, I can't help but look at the picture and think that I look as though I'm going to break my poor Sam Hillborne!

Good lord, why am I posting this?

The third time that I was reminded of my largeness was while reading another website. I enjoy following Simply Bike's adventures with her bicycle, and this connected me with the RAGBRAI website. Since Sam and I had visited the Midwest this past summer, and did a bit of casual riding while there, I was interested to see what RAGBRAI is all about.

Sam with the bicycles in Madison, WI

While reading a post by one of the trainers, I found, what I consider to be a rather rude comment by someone who stated, "... How come no one jogging could be {in} such poor shape as some of the bikers I see. Truthfully, some would go by me doing 20 mph and looked like their back tire would explode with all the weight it was handling." The response by the trainer was this: "One of the reasons you don't see a lot of heavy joggers is because their joints won't handle it. One of the beauties of riding a bike is that the bike supports your weight and you just have to provide the power to propel it. When running your body has to do both functions.  This is one of the great things about a bike. It allows people who are heavy a means to exercise and hopefully burn of some of that excess weight." I can't even begin to describe my annoyance with both the original comment and the trainer's response. While I do understand what the trainer is saying, and agree that cycling is much easier on the joints for anyone, I have no issue jogging, and I am no light weight. Sam and I actually completed a marathon a few years ago, so I don't enjoy being lumped into a category that adds to a very strong stereotype that already exists in the minds of many. The real plague to my head at the moment though is just because I run/jog, lift weights, and cycle, doesn't mean I'm going to weigh 100 lbs. The idea that someone is large because they are lazy or don't do anything throughout the day is not necessarily true, and it also isn't true that the person is 'out of shape' because they are large. I know many individuals who are quite thin and who also thought I was insane for even attempting the 26.2 mile marathon, as they knew they wouldn't be able to complete it.

So, where does one begin with changing the minds of the public? While I would love to be the size 2 that some are, it's honestly not in my DNA. My mom is large, my dad is large (and so are a slew of ancestors before them). While I can lose weight, it's minimal, and despite all the begging I've done with the doctor, he assures me there is nothing to do but what I am doing, and have done for the last decade or so of my existence. My life has been filled with the obnoxious football players making fun of my chubby cheeks, snooty cheerleaders giving me the 'once over' because I wanted to try out for cheerleading, and the comments from complete strangers, such as one of my favorites while visiting the Beverly Hills library: "Oh, dear. You have SUCH a pretty face... if you'd just lose a few pounds." I have to wonder if these individuals feel badly about themselves, and so they feel the need to bring others down as well? I honestly don't have the answers, but I have also realized that all I can do is to enjoy the journey. What else is there to say?

The S#!^ List

The government is on my list, and the above sign just struck a cord with me today. Why is it that every government agency is so highly inefficient and incompetent? This is not a dig at specific employees, but rather just the agencies themselves. Hell, I've worked for government agencies in the past, and I know that the general consensus is that the workers are lazy and over paid for the jobs they do (sometimes even within those agencies). Recruiting for them was always a nightmare. I recall one job fair in southern California during which one woman, who I was beginning a chat with about our company, proceeded to tell me that she would NEVER work for a government agency because all of the people that work for them are lazy. Thanks, lady. Should I assume that I wasn't included on the list? Probably not. I'm sure she thought it was a vacation day for me to be in a giant stadium, standing for 12+ hours without a break, pitching to potential employees why they would want to work for us. Not exactly my idea of a great day "off," but I enjoyed what I did and actually getting to speak to people about our job openings really was kind of fun. Who wouldn't want to be out of the office and all of the politics that take place there? I suppose in a way it was a pseudo vacation, but regardless, I never let that encounter pass, taking it as a personal affront to who and what I am. Do I think I am the government (or was, I should say), no. Did I think the government was so great when I worked for them? Uh, no. But who doesn't hate something about their job, even if they absolutely love it? There are people who stay within the organization until they retire. Surely they must be on to something. Either that, or they really are all lazy, as the stadium lady would have me believe. I didn't make it to retirement. Honestly, I didn't even make it to my five year anniversary, but that's really due more to the idea that I am not very good at monotony, nor am I good at faking being happy at a job I'm really not enjoying. Once they stuck me in a cubicle and told me job fairs were useless, was there really any point in continuing on? I mean, really, there's only so much "recruiting" one can do from a desk, even with a computer and the internet.

I have so extremely digressed that I should quickly attempt to get myself back on track. So, where was I? Oh, yes. The government. My first complaint is really just something that I could likely easily resolve with a phone call, but I forget about it until I'm riding my bicycle and then it comes back to me: the signal, or more importantly, the crosswalk signal at County Road 3 1/2. Highway 119 is the major highway running from Interstate 25 through Longmont. It runs for several miles through town, and even curves out to the west side, taking car and bicycle travelers into Boulder. About four miles west of the I-25 junction, Highway 119 crosses CR 3.5. I cannot even begin to tell you the number of times I have sat waiting at this signal to cross on my bicycle because the crosswalk signal doesn't work. I often wait 5 minutes or more until a car comes so that the signal will at least change so that I can cross the busy highway to get to the business park on the south side of the highway. My complaint is simply, why doesn't the crosswalk button work? It seems simple enough. Why put the button there to use if it's never going to actually do anything?

My second peeve at the moment is with US Dept of Education/colleges. The D.O.E. decided in the past year that it would be wise of them to take over all education loans (which was fine by me, as I really could care less who sends me the money for school), but in this process have set it up so that the funds aren't sent directly to me. Instead, they send the money to the college or university, and I am forced to wait for the refund while the college decides when and where I am able to be granted the privilege of obtaining the check (for which I am paying - interest and all) which will allow me to pay for my books, supplies and so on. I think, in a strange way, this is giving some administrative assistant entirely too much power over my ability to attend school with the proper supplies in a timely manner. The school repeatedly sends out e-mails to students stating that "funds will begin dispersing 10 days prior to the start of the semester." To which my reply is, "how the f&@$ is that really supposed to help me?" Really? Any time during that ten days? You don't know which day you're going to send out refunds? It's not as though you haven't had the money in your grubby little hands for weeks now.

But, they have found a solution (thank goodness). All I have to do is open a debit account with the bank THEY'VE selected for every student to use, and the school will automatically deposit the funds within 3 days (or so). Of course, you had to open the account months ago, not to mention that the bank isn't convenient for me, and it's tied to my student ID, so if my ID is stolen, so goes all of the money in my account. What a great plan! Why didn't I sign up for this years ago? Doesn't it seem simple enough to just do direct deposits to any bank account? It would save the hassle (and expense) of the mail, certainly, and would prevent any potential loss. This point, I'm afraid, brings me to my final bitching point for the day: the United States Postal Service.

Why does the USPS suck so much? Is it just an innate part of being the postal service? Is it that stadium lady's point - all government employees are lazy? Maybe it is something else entirely. While I have found ways around actually dealing with the employees at the post office, I have not yet remedied the problem with mail delivery. In our six years and three months living in our present house, there are constant problems with mail delivery. Mail is never delivered at the same time of day (which is the least of my worries, truly), and more importantly, there have been a multitude of occasions on which I do not even receive my mail. The fabulously brilliant USPS has decided with more recent home development to install cubes of mailboxes in a central area. Rather than the standard most of us grew up with in having a mailbox at our front yard, you now walk down the street to a little condo complex of mailboxes to retrieve your items. I don't have an issue with the walking down the street portion, but what I do take issue with is that at least once a week I have someone else's mail in my box. Again, it doesn't really worry me to get someone else's mail, as I can easily take it on my way back to the house and drop it off with them, but what does concern me is the fact that not all individuals are so neighborly. A few years ago a friend send a Christmas card that I never received. In February she called to ask if I was going to thank her for the gift card. I must've sounded perplexed because she continued to say that they had send a $100 gift card in our Christmas card to the house. Unfortunately, I know what happened. A neighbor didn't look at the envelope, opened the card, probably didn't recognize the "from" signature, and decided that they'd like to spend my Christmas present on themselves. It may have started as some sort of embarrassment with having opened a card without looking at it, but quite honestly, I still would've returned it and just explained that I hadn't looked at the outside before opening. But, I am an honest girl who believes that all things come back to us, and as my hubby reminds me, the rest of the world (apparently) doesn't necessarily hold the same to be true. I can only hope that the karmic chain of events following this heinous act was unspeakably horrible (I'm not feeling very Zen at the moment, so forgive this moment of hateful thinking), and that the universe will work this out, even if I never know who or how it happened. This, of course, would not even be an issue had the USPS deliverer just simply put the correct mail in the correct slot. It doesn't seem to be difficult, and while I realize that they are human and mistakes will be made, it happens far too often for me to believe that it is not secretly the mission of our rural route carrier to push me over the edge of insanity.

While I don't have an answer for most of it, I'm hoping that the therapy of venting it will help to at least get me through and back to a better, balanced state of mind.