How Fast is Too Fast?

I find myself having these days during which I really don't want to hear or read about other peoples success stories with weight loss. I've started to think that there's something wrong with me, but I find that often times these stories just make me angry. I don't begrudge anyone weight loss by any stretch of the imagination, but I find the ways in which they go about losing are often not in their best interest. Mind you, this comes from a fat person, so it's not as though I have any room to judge, but it just seems as though when someone drops 115 pounds in 6 months (just read this one in the last week), something incredibly drastic was done. As in, the individual has cut their diet so dramatically that it isn't maintainable for life, and I fear for them. Perhaps it's because I've been that person (well, I've never lost that much weight, but I've been in a similar mindset of "just eat less"), and it scares me when I read these stories. I look at people like those on The Biggest Loser, and see that so many of them regain the weight they've lost, and I can't help but believe it's because it happened entirely too fast.

Do our minds have time to adjust when we drop a person off of our bodies in a matter of months? I have to think it takes time for our minds to catch up to our bodies, and when we take these extreme measures to lose, I don't personally know if my mind would have the opportunity to understand what had happened.  I've been on this present mission for about 7 1/2 months, and I'm down just over 60 pounds (at least for today). It's not super fast, but it's also not that slow. Even at this speed I find that my mind struggles with changes. In my day to day life, I don't notice the loss at all. Sure, every once in awhile I think, "Hey, that fat roll seems smaller!" or I get excited about some garment of clothing that used to be tight but is now nearly falling off, but honestly it's difficult to understand that anything has changed. I see photos of myself and think that I look the same. I can see small changes in my face (as I've pointed out recently), but really I don't think my brain has even come close to comprehending what is taking place.

I don't have to see my fat face in this one, but it's almost worse from the back side...and this isn't even the worst of the pics this particular day.

Perhaps there aren't changes other than a little fat loss in the face? Maybe it's just that I'm around very average-to-thin sized people on a regular basis and I know that I will likely never even be of "average" size, sad as that is to say, so I will always feel like the fat person in the room? I wish I could wrap my head around it and finally understand once and for all why nothing seems to change.

In all of this though, I realize that so many people are so focused on losing weight that they neglect working on muscle as they lose. Sure, I may not see pounds drop quickly, but I'm also working on building muscle at the same time. Those arms? Yeah, they may still look fat, but I assure you, if you gave them a squeeze, there is solid muscle forming. The thighs? Sure, they still have lots of fat to lose, but they've gained a lot of muscle mass too while training. Abs? Yep, there's still a bunch of fat there, but I can feel the muscle wall through that fat. There is no way that I could've lost 100 pounds in half a year and gained muscle at the same time. So, while I have my moments of anger or jealousy when reading stories about the quick weight loss of others, overall I feel a little sadness for those who are in such a hurry to see the pounds go because I can't help but think that they're going to see those lbs return over the long haul. While I want to see the pounds go too, I'm okay knowing that I'm gaining muscle, and some day I will say goodbye to the excess weight as well.

50 Pounds Lost {Happy Dance!}

For the last few weeks, I have been fighting with the same few pounds. Up and down, up and down. I desperately wanted to reach the 50 pounds lost mile marker on the first of this month, but it just didn't happen. A few days later though... here I am! While it wasn't the easiest thing to accomplish, it did happen, and I continue to remind myself that this is a life-long change, and if it comes off slower than I'd prefer, I'm really okay with that reality. However, this was a major mile-marker I wanted to reach, and while it seems arbitrary to pick a number out of the sky, when I first started, I believed that when I reached this point, I would really feel as though I was doing what I had set out to do.

*Image from Pinterest

And you know, I do feel like I'm doing what I should be doing. There are rough days when I question everything, but honestly, I don't know what I would change. I know that my daily weight will fluctuate, and it will likely go back up before it comes back down, but to be able to reach this 50 pound marker is amazing to me.

That said, I'm also a bit terrified of reaching this point. It's been almost exactly 6 months (just a few days shy, actually) since I began this journey, and it's also the time marker at which I start to give up on myself historically. When I start to have excitement about losses, I start slacking in areas, thinking that I have everything under control. Logically, I know I don't have it under control, and I have to continue to track everything, work out, and realize that this is a forever change, not a short term "fix." Six months, is generally the point when I start to gain again - and I don't want that to be the reality with this go at it. The benefit to me during this round is that I'm aware of what happens to me at about this point in the journey, and hopefully I can nip it early and just keep moving forward. The other benefit is that I'm not starving myself as I normally would, and I've truly tried to make this a lifestyle change.

I'm so happy to have reached this marker, and I look forward to moving on to the next one. The next goal? I'm not quite sure just yet. I don't know if I want to set a long term weight loss goal at this point because it takes me a bit of time and it can become discouraging, but perhaps I will just focus on the next 5-10 pounds and see where it takes me before focusing on another huge chunk of weight. For now, I'm enjoying this moment and acknowledging that I am capable of anything I set my mind to do.

That Was Fast

In 11 days, I have lost 10 pounds. I made a promise to myself that I would not remove my workout clothes (except for bed time/shower time) until I lost that amount of weight. It happened so swiftly that I almost think I should extend the goal. Perhaps not being able to wear "real" clothes was more motivating than even I thought it would be? Regardless, it's nice to have a few pounds off and see that there is potential for light at the end of the tunnel. I can't see the light just yet, but at least there is a tunnel, and how long can a tunnel really be after all? Maybe no one should answer that question as it could be discouraging.

We are slated to visit relatives in California in mid-August and I am hoping that I will be able to drop a significant amount of weight by that time. The biggest struggle is that I am aware of how my body works and although I have lost this initial weight quite quickly, it will slow down dramatically I am quite certain from this point forward. Still... we all must have goals to accomplish, and seeing judgmental relatives might just be the motivation I need. Ahh, judgmental relatives... motivating even the unmotivatable <-- Is that a word?

Fortunately, there is really only one judgmental relative, and unfortunately, it is my relative. I do my best to avoid topics that I know will start us down the path of judgment, but it's almost inevitable that within a relatively short span of time, I will either be 1) angry and defensive, or 2) in tears. Isn't that what vacation is really about - or maybe those are just my vacations.

On the up side, I have started my way down a healthier path and I've hit a marker that is a good start. Now, I just have to keep that motivation going and know that the rest will ultimately go as well.

Day One

Everyone who begins a weight loss journey seems to have a dramatic story or something that pushed them over the edge to get going with losing the excess fat. I suppose I'm no different. You see, yesterday was the 10 year anniversary of my husband's and my meeting. Ten years. That's a pretty big marker. In that ten years, I have gained about 40-45 pounds. It's difficult to admit that, but I think it's part of the process of recognizing that as much as I like to say that I don't mind being overweight, I really do.

Normally, I am a fairly healthy person in terms of not getting sick, and really even my blood work always comes back with a green light. I don't remember the last time I was out with some kind of illness, but in late December I started getting flu like symptoms and figured I was due for some kind of bed rest. When it still hadn't gone away in early March, I knew it was time to go to the doctor for antibiotics. I don't normally look at the scale when I visit the doctor because I don't want to think about the number I'm seeing. It's always more than it should be and I am quite used to having doctors tell me that I need to lose. On this particular occasion, I made the mistake of looking. {sigh} It was... unfortunate.

This visit to the doctor happened to overlap the 10 year anniversary, and I think the realization of knowing how much I'd gained not only since my husband and I had met, but also just since the beginning of the year spurred me to action. What happens if I do nothing and just keep gaining? How long will it be before I won't even be able to do the things I enjoy? I couldn't imagine not being able to walk the dogs or ride my bike, or any number of other things. What if I died tragically somewhere? Would they even be able to pick me up to throw me in a grave or into the incinerator? A morbid thought, I am aware, but it did cross my mind.

Today is day one. Despite all the attempts in the past and subsequent failures, I have to start fresh and know that it is possible to conquer this mighty mountain. I have lost in the past, and I will lose again. I am starting by recording food intake on an online calorie counting website. It's a start. I haven't been to the gym since, hmm, probably November-ish, so I know I need to figure out what to do to get myself motivated in that arena again as well. I think just starting out with walking is the best course of action. Since clothes are the only thing that seem to motivate me, I have made a pact with myself that I will not get out of gym clothes for any purpose until I lose 10 pounds. It's a lofty goal, but if I work hard, it shouldn't take long.

And away I go...