Tuesday, May 25, 2010

In Need of Motivation and a Mental Overhaul

I'm sitting here on a beautiful, 70-something spring day, sitting, staring at the kitchen walls. I have four different colors currently adorning the walls, and I have no motivation to get to painting. I had a sad but real epiphany the other day that there is no way we are going to be able to move from our house, probably for at least a good five years (honestly, maybe more), and this sent me into a supreme tailspin. I thought that perhaps brightening up the house would make me feel better. The cheery colors would make me feel better about being "stuck" in this house, and, I'd have the added bonus of being able to paint some pieces to put up on the walls as well. Instead, I've "test" painted in several places, making an extreme mess, I'm still unsure of what I'm doing, and while I do think the house needs a bit of sprucing up, I think it was a mistake to start such an activity in my current state of mind. I really don't like feeling this way. I want to be excited about a new project, and you'd think I'd be nice and motivated to get going, but instead, I paint a few rolls and then feel like I want a nap. If that's not the true definition of depression, I don't know what is. I'm lethargic, and even though I went to the gym this morning, I half-assed it (though this is partially due to my back injury from riding on Friday into town) just to get through the routine of it. I took the dogs to the park to run, and went to get them food. Now, all I want to do is sit here and do absolutely nothing. I feel like there are all these things I "should" be doing. I keep thinking that no one I know has the luxury of three months off to do whatever their heart desires, but all my heart desires (apparently) is to do nothing. I don't even want to ride my bike - which is odd. So, now, I have to figure out how to snap out of the funk and want to do the things that need to get done. I can't leave the kitchen and living room in the state their end, and I just keep staring and thinking, "Who cares?" I do realize that it doesn't have to be completed in a day, but I also know that as it sits longer and longer, the less likely I am to get it done. I just feel as though I want to sit here and cry. I don't even know why. I understand there's nothing we can do about moving, but it's like that one thing has just completely wiped out any motivation to do anything. I'm not even sure that's what it is. Part of me thinks I just need to color match the paint on the walls and just cover up the mess I've started, but the other part of me knows it needs a face lift. I don't even know what to do anymore, and I don't seem to be able to make any kind of decision. The colors I pick are weird, and I don't know if it's because there's no real natural light in here, or if it's something else.

On a completely un-paint-and-un-depression-related note, I found out that there is a Denver bicycle shop that sells the Pashley brand of bicycles, and it might even be possible to test ride one, so I'm kind of excited about that, as well as the possibility of riding a Workcycles Oma on our trip to California. There is a bicycle shop in Santa Barbara that has these, and I've been wanting to test ride both of these to see if they're all they're cracked up to be. I don't know, I guess I just want to know if there is something better out there, and if either are worth the extra forked out dough. The only way it could be better is to find a place locally (or on the trip in a few weeks) that has Velorbis bicycles in stock and available to test ride. Maybe thinking about riding them will cheer me up? It's a nice thought, regardless of my present mental states.

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