Movement & Exercise are not punishment

I was riding along the other day, blissfully pedaling on a somewhat cooler summer morning (a rarity these days, so it felt extra special) and realized just how much I was enjoying the ride. These occasions happen now and again, so it wasn't particularly significant, but I was soaking it all in and truly enjoying each pedal stroke. Some days simply offer a special feeling, as though I could ride forever. The perfect collision of temperature, body-readiness, feeling capable, and equipment function, I suppose. If I were to try to create it, I couldn't, but when it happens I try to enjoy every single moment to its fullest.

Having this sort of ride happens once in awhile, so it wasn't necessarily unusual, but what occurred to me as I pedaled is how often I have participated in movement -- be it running, walking, working out or even riding -- and it has felt like torture.  Sometimes it happens because my body is overworked and I am forcing myself to keep up some sort of idea of routine. At other times it may be that I have an injury and I am trying to "suck it up" and carry on. And still other moments I find that it is because of some perceived pressure I feel from others -- whether it is real or imagined. 

I have shared a bit of my past and childhood in this space at times over the years, and I know that some of that likely plays a role in how I perceive movement to this day. We were not a particularly physically active family when I was a kid, and when I did start to exercise it was only because I was being body shamed and thought that I had to do something to get fat off of my body. It was never about enjoying the activity (though I did enjoy at times), but rather had more to do with the idea that I had to lose weight and the way to do that was to work my body until I couldn't move any longer. Some of it may have been self-inflicted, but I have no doubt that outside sources were the main cause of this behavior.

The last year for me has been an exercise in not being able to maintain much of a routine. With all that was going on, it wasn't realistic to throw in one more "thing" to the mix. During the height of the pandemic, I was probably one of the few people who worked out and rode significantly more than I did pre-pandemic. Work was fairly non-existent for me and it seemed easy to fill the hours primarily with riding. I rode two to three times as much as I would have prior, and I wasn't slacking off prior to the pandemic. There were days though when I felt I was doing it out of some sort of imaginary obligation. I wasn't doing any real work and I didn't want to sit at home doing nothing, so I pedaled and hoped that it would help my mental state. Most days it did. But then, nothing extreme is maintainable over the long haul.

In the past, I have had trainers tell me that I should develop a routine so that when I have days (or weeks, months) when I don't feel like doing the work, the routine itself will carry me through the difficult time. In some sense, I understand this thinking. As someone who likes to and wants to be able to do things, but is not in any way, shape or form naturally athletic, if the base training isn't present, it's very challenging to pick up one day and do the thing - the activity, whatever it is - with any sort of capability. However, I think this thinking in general can be a bit flawed. 

When I have the idea that I must carry on, regardless of how I feel, it creates pressure or a sense that no matter what is happening, even if I am injured or exhausted, I need to stick to the routine. Granted, most trainers will build in rest days to a training program, but I do think it can become something that creates a mental pattern in which I start to think that more is better, and when the day comes that I cannot necessarily continue at the same level (due to time constraints, aging, injury, or whatever the cause), it can feel as though I am now a lesser human. Or, at least I know that is how I have felt over much of the last year. Logically, I know that isn't the case, but it's difficult to control what the mind wants to believe without significant work to do otherwise.

I have stated in the past, many times over, that my life has felt like a struggle for balance. I suppose in some sense it is what most humans are seeking. I often wonder if balance is really a thing at all and if in truth I am chasing something that doesn't exist. Maybe life is just a series of overdoing one or two things for a stretch of time and then returning to others, or adding in new interests or activities? Maybe balance is just a myth created to give humans something to hope to achieve in times when the world feels chaotic.

What I have realized, however, is that even if balance is never achievable, movement should not be punishment or feel like punishment. There may be times, moments or certain activities during which I wish to push myself harder than I normally would. Sometimes, it feels good to go beyond what I thought possible, to make it hurt just a bit, to stretch beyond what I would normally believe my limit. But, I know that when movement starts to feel like a punishment, it will definitely not be something I want to do regularly, and in fact, may be doing more harm than good. It's why I have tried my best to find activities that I enjoy, at least most of the time (there will always be those tougher days), and am reminding myself now that it's okay if I am not who I once was or able to do what I once did. I am doing what I can do now and if/when the time is right, I will do other things or more of the things I did once upon a time.