Part of my frustration this time of year is knowing what is to come. There is little that is surprising or new. The weather in late March through early May is very predictably unpredictable. It may snow a ton and melt quickly or it may be sunny and slightly cool, dependent on the day, but the one thing I can count on is that this unpredictability is in truth a pattern. If it wasn't unpredictable it would be odd, but knowing the pattern sets off a mental routine that has developed over the last many years. I know exactly what I will get in the coming weeks.
First, the shadows start to shift. Locations that have spent months entirely in shade are suddenly greeted by the glow of the sun once again. The bergs of ice that never seemed to melt now have a much more difficult time sticking. Weeds begin to pop up in the yard. They start small and seem like just a few but in fact multiple like rabbits in seemingly a matter of hours. They begin to overtake everything until one day I realize that the yard is more weed than anything else. The flowers (other than the tulips which seem not to care what the weather says) will still not have bloomed - because somehow they know that more snow is on the way. I always believe I'll be able to plant the vegetable garden early and inevitably, as is always predicted by forecasters, it won't happen until mid-May. Everyone will act surprised to have snow the first week of May, but we all know it's coming as it happens every year.
|A recent spring snow storm downed a lot of trees and branches... this one just happened to be directly in my path.|
|They don't appear very large, but the front limb is about 16in/40cm in diameter.|
This morning I even had an unexpected Cross ride as I dismounted and carried my bike over the decent-sized tree limbs above that ended up in my path after having dodged a close slip-and-fall on some recently removed roadway. A call was made later to be sure the city was aware these trees were blocking the path of cyclists and pedestrians alike. I had a horrible image of someone coming tearing through this area in the dark and not spotting the limbs until it was too late.
What has undoubtedly aided my 2016 mental dysfunction has been spending a good chunk of time forming a small business that ended up in a complete mess. I've had difficulty pulling out of my funk, and the disappointment with the realization that it was not cost effective to attempt the business. It just felt like a harsh blow - particularly as I had calculated the costs prior to beginning but was unaware of some added components that made the reality of the business truly an impossibility. After investing monetarily and emotionally in all of it, letting go has been challenging.
Now, re-centering and refocusing on where I am headed is taking some time. I've not only lost focus in life, but here on the blog as well. I don't know where I want to take things and I find myself debating which things are worth time and which simply are not. I don't mind experimenting (I usually enjoy it, truthfully), but I think I've lost confidence and motivation in many areas of life. Oh, I will recover and will feel more like myself soon enough I have no doubt, but in the interim, I'm finding it difficult to focus.
I would think that there aren't readers from the days when this blog was titled Almost, at Times, the Fool. That was a long, long time ago, but the title came from The Love Song of J Alfred Prufrock. I've always felt an unexplainable draw to Eliot's work and this particular piece is one that always makes me reflect and ponder life. A little snippet:
...And indeed there will be time
To wonder, “Do I dare?” and, “Do I dare?”
Time to turn back and descend the stair,
With a bald spot in the middle of my hair—
(They will say: “How his hair is growing thin!”)
My morning coat, my collar mounting firmly to the chin,
My necktie rich and modest, but asserted by a simple pin—
(They will say: “But how his arms and legs are thin!”)
Do I dare
Disturb the universe?
In a minute there is time
For decisions and revisions which a minute will reverse.
For I have known them all already, known them all:
Have known the evenings, mornings, afternoons,
I have measured out my life with coffee spoons; ...
Until I get my act together, I will do my best to post, but I would suspect that for at least a time writing will be intermittent at best. I have to find me again, as well as figure out what it is that I truly want to emotionally and physically invest in moving forward.
I'll be around though...so feel free to email me any time or send a message on Twitter. I'm also not entirely disappearing so I don't mean for this to sound like a goodbye. I just need to figure some things out and hopefully find focus. If something catches my eye, I'm sure you'll hear about it here. In the meantime, if anyone has a topic for which you'd like to write a guest post, I'd be happy to look into that as a possibility. Just drop me a note and we can chat. I'd love to still hear what's going on in others biking lives, and it would be a great way to continue to share, I think.