Tuesday, December 31, 2013

Endless Velo Love and a Happy New Year to All!

Christmas has come and gone, and I have apparently taken the last few weeks to completely step away from this space... and frankly, not just here, but almost any form of social media or blog that I'd normally be waiting to read has fallen off the map. This isn't necessarily a bad thing as everyone needs time to regroup, but that isn't really what I've been doing. I find this time of year to be quite reflective (as it is for many), and I find myself evaluating what has taken place and where I want to go moving forward. Often times this assessment period takes place on a subconscious level (I've never been big on the standard New Year's resolutions). Perhaps on some level I've been regrouping, but deep down I know I've found myself wallowing in a bit of depression (which can be a common experience this time of year).

I've expressed here in the past that when I was a teen, I wanted to be a writer. I wanted to travel and document my experiences on the road - wherever the road took me. I was quite quickly told by family that I didn't have the life experience it would take to be a successful writer, and so I found myself looking at more standard careers. I no longer pursued English or writing classes with the same zealous desire I had prior (which explains my often iffy grammar and punctuation, I know). If I couldn't write, it meant that I'd have to figure out what I was supposed to be doing with my life. I found myself drawn to the arts, but didn't think that I had any of the seemingly magical and mysterious talent for it, and after hearing from particular family members that yet again this was not something that would make a suitable career, I turned my focus elsewhere.
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Ultimately, I ended up going through several different jobs (and careers) because I was never truly fulfilled by what I was doing. I worked hard no matter what job I had (even as a teenager), but I always believed that what I do for a living reflects who I am. My jobs have always been all-encompassing and no matter what I was doing I found myself drawn to aspects of the positions that allowed me to be with people, be creative, and/or to write. It's actually surprising within the vast array of jobs I've held how often I was able to work within these areas. People were often draining to my reserves, but I still enjoyed being able to help them in whatever form that took in a particular occupation.

Trying to figure out who I am (and therefore what I should be doing career-wise) has always led me down the path of personality examination. It has come in the form of books, tests, long talks with those who know me well (and sometimes not so well). I can get so wrapped up in discovery that I lose track of everything else taking place around me. In other words, I become entirely self-absorbed - and, I would like to point out, precisely the exact opposite of being helpful to other people.
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Deep down, I suppose I really do have an odd personality. On the surface (which is how most people I'm acquainted with know me), I have no doubt that I can sometimes seem cold or uncaring. I may seem aloof or perhaps even hardened. I tend not to share a lot of information about myself, and even though to others I seem to be providing a lot of details as I (sometimes overly enthusiastically) appear to be sharing quite a bit, I am actually adept (without really trying) at saving the important information for the few I hold dear or who I trust. I often have sarcastic thoughts (which more often than not leave the confines of my brain and become released forever into the universe, as I seem to frequently find myself devoid of a proper vocal filter - later regretting and over-thinking what came out of my mouth). I try to play things off as though I'm tough and can take whatever comes at me, but in reality I am affected (often both physically and emotionally) by not only my own erratic emotions, but by those feelings and experiences of folks around me as well. To this day, it is extremely difficult for me to watch someone else cry and not begin crying myself - even when I have little to no attachment to the person or the situation. I guess it could be said that I feel my way through life, rather than always thinking (though I do a lot of thinking and analyzing as well). I believe the appearance of the "hard" exterior comes from knowing that I wear my heart on my sleeve and that I am often deeply affected by the emotions or situations others experience. If I have the appearance of not caring though, people will go about their business and not attempt to interact with me. Sometimes, there just has to be a barrier of protection, especially for someone who seems to go through such an array of emotions on a regular basis.

This is why it never ceases to amaze me when a complete stranger walks up to me and starts to speak (Apparently, my hardened shell isn't as impenetrable as I believe). It happens more often than I would expect, and it always catches me off guard. It also seems to happen just about the time I need to be reminded that I am not the faux-exterior I most often show to the world. These random strangers appear as - for lack of a better term - little guardian angels, offering up words that they couldn't possibly know affect me as deeply as they do.  These unknowns always have the same type of message though. They are quick and exact (as if they know they won't have long to interact with me), and the words are always in regard to a light or an aura that radiates from me. Then, they return to their business as quickly as they appeared, and I am left to wonder why a random individual would approach me to say such a thing.


Just when I think I am devolving into the shell I have created for the world, I am reminded that I cannot hide who I am. Whatever religious (or not) beliefs you may hold, I believe there is an energy that binds us together - that we are, in all reality, that energy - and we cannot escape the tie that links us all as beings on this planet. I think there are some individuals who are more attune to this energy and that for some it takes on a visual form; and thus, I have run-ins with strangers who relay to me a much needed message when I seem to be sinking into my very own personal abyss. I am not a black hole. I am not evil or a bitch (okay, sometimes I am - but, really, don't we all have these moments?) In reality, this is not the time of year to be living in depression because the truth is I am living the life I am supposed to live (even when I make mistakes or bad choices along the way).
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In my typical meandering manner, I am attempting to share that I am not ready to give up on this blog (even if I seem to disappear for a time - or even a more extended time). This is my truth space. This is where I get to be me and say whatever comes to mind. Sure, I may get backlash for it (depending on the topic), but it's my space to share thoughts in written form. Not everything appeals to everyone, and sometimes the content is a bit on the light side, but sometimes frivolity is just what is needed. Sometimes the subject is heavy and hard to talk about, but those are important to me as well. Frankly, if I'm going with my theory about us all being the energy of this world, if I'm feeling as though light-heartedness or even a serious talk is needed, perhaps someone else is feeling that as well. I enjoy the conversations I have with people who share similar (or sometimes not-at-all-alike) philosophies, thoughts, values, etc.  I like to chat about others' experiences, and even like to hear from those who think I am way off base because I often find myself struggling, internally battling out two (or more) sides to a problem, question, etc. It's not always easy to pick a side for me (for many reasons). I have strong opinions about certain topics, but I am always willing to listen to someone else's thoughts (even if they sometimes make no sense to me at all).  
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I want to have a more regular schedule that doesn't seem so haphazard all the time (hell, I want that in my everyday life, but it ain't happenin'), so I can't promise that is going to take place. The reality is that there is so much going on in life that the blog sometimes has to take a back seat. There simply aren't enough hours in the day (and I am very easily distracted, which doesn't help matters). Rather than making a resolution to write more here, I am just going to say that I will always do my best to be who I am. Sometimes that's cranky, bitchy, slacking off, annoying G.E., and sometimes that is laughing-hysterically-about-nothing, ready-for-fun, sharing a strange anecdote G.E. I am who I am, and while I'm willing to work on things that I know need to evolve, I don't want to lose the core of who I am in the process.
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To all of you who read here regularly (or even not so regularly), I appreciate you very much. I feel very fortunate to have a means to communicate with people near and far, and many of you have helped me with my own questions or conundrums along the way. It's not always an easy task to write on a regular basis, but I am grateful for the opportunity to share my thoughts and experiences with others (and to have those thoughts reciprocated as well). So, a big thanks to all, as well as a very big wish to you and yours for a happy, prosperous, fabulous, biking new year. May it be a wonderful year full of positive change. Happy New Year!

6 comments:

  1. As always, Gen, I "hear" the words you pen coming from your heart - they help me search my own heart and soul, which I have a tendency to avoid doing. Your words help me think beyond myself and I thank you for taking the time to share.

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    1. Thanks Pati... always love riding with you, and of course, hearing from you here too. :O)

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  2. Good post. May the road rise with you.

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  3. I'm grateful for your voice and very glad to know that you will keep on sharing yourself with us here.

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    1. Thank you, Kendra. Looking forward to a great 2014!

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