Monday, October 1, 2012

Trying to Find My Way

The last week (or so) has been mentally rough on me (as is evidenced by my incredibly ranting posts). I've been doubting everything and trying to figure out why I can't just exist in a day without drama. I'm slowly working through all of it, thankfully, but it's been an excellent reminder that losing weight isn't really about losing weight. Of course, it is about losing weight in that the whole reason for setting about this journey is to see the scale dropping, but the reality is that there is so much more to uncover about myself that has nothing to do with the weight.

I was speaking with a friend the other day and she made a comment that brought some things to light. I realized that I do focus entirely too much (despite what I want to believe) on the weight loss itself and not on what I should be focused on... figuring out why the weight came on in the first place. Mind you, I've never been a small person, even as a child, and I realize that I will not ever be; however, there must be some kind of reason that as an adult I would allow myself to get to this point.
*Image here
My dream was far less human-dominant, and much more bear-winning-the-fight
No answers have made themselves apparent to me as of yet, but I know that it's far more important to be aware of the "why am I doing this," than the "why isn't the weight coming off faster" question. I am definitely fighting something, or there is a moment of clarity about to happen because I've found myself in several emotional moments over the last few days during which I cannot stop crying. That has been followed for the last two evenings by the craziest dreams... last night, included fighting (by hand) with a giant bear. Gotta love dreams and there very easy to interpret meanings.

In the meantime, I am attempting to keep some perspective on life and this journey.  I have too many other things to focus on to get so absorbed in what is or isn't happening with my body.

**Edited to add: I looked up "dreaming about fighting with a bear" just to see what would come up, and this is what I found: "Dreaming about bears is fairly uncommon. To see a bear in your dream symbolizes independence, the cycle of life, death and renewal. You are undergoing a period of introspection and thinking. To dream that you are being pursued or attacked by a bear, denotes aggression, overwhelming obstacles, and competition." - Source here

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