Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Whiny Wednesday

I'm having one of those days... okay, weeks actually, during which I just feel as though everything is pointless. I hate feeling this way because it just seems to cause a downward spiral of depression. I don't want to go to class anymore, but I can't stop going because if I don't finish this, how on earth would I explain to an employer being out of work for so long and not doing anything with that time. I guess the biggest thing is that I truly expected that this art degree was going to take me in a new direction, and I'm having a difficult time understanding what exactly it's going to do for me. The reality is, I'm going to end up with the same kind of job I had prior to going to school, I'll end up not ever doing art because I'll be exhausted from working 40-60 hours a week at a job I can't stand, and so goes life. I wish I could have that innocent outlook of believing that there's something better on the other side, but I know the reality, and I think the closer it gets to having to deal with that reality, the less I want to continue on. I'm going in to debt for what? To say that I have a piece of paper? I feel like Chandler from Friends in the episode where he says, "Don't I seem like someone who should have a cool job?" and they all stare, thinking that he's not really that cool and he belongs doing his statistical analysis job. While I know I won't be doing statistical analysis, it's the same type of work - boring, dull, monotonous - all of the things I was trying desperately to avoid. There has to be more than this, doesn't there? I know plenty of people who don't HATE their jobs. I mean, they may not love it, but quite honestly, I think I'd be satisfied to just not hate where I have to go every day, and that's ultimately what happens. I realize that the company could care less about the employees, have zero ethical responsibility, they want blood from everyone, or some combination thereof.

So, today is the decision of whether or not to actually go to my morning class. Since dropping ceramics over the weekend, I now have a nearly 5 hour gap of time between the morning class and afternoon one, so it's very un/de-motivating, particularly when you already don't want to be there. This has been such a rough semester. I really feel trapped, which is horrible. I knew this was going to be a process, but my word, I just feel that this is so pointless. I suppose there is some part of me that still holds out hope that there is a chance of doing something non-sucky at the end of all of this, but it doesn't seem to be enough, quite honestly.

Hopefully, I can get myself out of this and find some glimmer of hope for the future.

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